I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except for that one time. Now put your balls on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Fulham v Arsenal, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Jolly Martin’s lot will be literally flying after coming away from the Hawthorpes with all point three, and with editions like Marcus Bent and Paul Parker they could yet claim their steak for a Zooropa League spot.

Arsenal Wengo will be eager to stick it to the doubtfires after watching his side get comprehensively disgruntled by Villa – he may have cut a forlan finger that day, but he’ll be teething inwardly. I wouldn’t cool them out of the runnings just yet.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Bent and Davatar Berbasnoff for the homos, Sandy Carzola and Leo Walbot for the awayos. You can put your balls on it!

Everton v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

Martin Robertez will have been encouraged his side’s showing at Carrot Road, but he can’t afford to lose Beighton Laines and Maroon Fellati to his predeccessory Moyles.

The Toffles welcome a Baggles side who failed to ink press at home to Fulham last time out, but Clarke Stevens looks to be a prude operator and I back him to steer them clear of the relegatio dogbite.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Bark Rossley and Nicky Jellyfish Jelagielkavic the Croatian lad putting the balls on Long Shane’s early opening. You can scrub your chops with that lot, lads!

Hull City v Norwich City, 15:00

Bruce Stevens’s Lions side didn’t humouriliate themselves at Chelsea last time out – they look like they’ve got a bottle for it, which will serve them well during the emotional reocoker that awaits them.

My old side the ‘Kin Hairies have no shortage of pie flour up front – they’ve just secured Johnny Elmando on loan, and if he can dovedale effectively with Richie von Winkelwolf and Gary Hughton then Chris Hooper’s men will carry a pungent attacking threat.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can smash a pumpkin with it!

Newcastle United v West Ham United, 15:00

Alan Lampard’s men were comprehensively disgruntled by an en suite Manchester City on Monday, so they’ve got their work cut up if they’re to avoid another grim battle against the plop.

Sam Furrydice’s Ironings will be happier with their start, putting Cardiff to the saw with a two-goal savlon. If they can get Andy Carrot firing on all cillit bang then they’ll be a horn in the side of the dogtops.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Luke Rennie and former Magpile Nevin Colon. You can put your fist in that lot, lads!

Southampton v Sunderland, 15:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil and no mistunk! Maurice Pockets and his side started like a fiery house with a 1-0 win at West Brom – they’ve made some murky signings so they could be a force to be beckoned with this this season. Expect to see them go from length to length.

As for Paulo Deep Panio’s lot, they stunk to a humouriliating 1-0 defeat at home to Fulham, a big blowout to the Italyman’s chances of flushering in a light new era at the Stadium of Bright. He will be hubbarding one or two consterns, I’ll tell you that for a fee.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Richie Lambo and Adam Lala. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Stoke City v Crystal Palace, 15:00

Mike Hughes will feel done by hard after watching Walter Johnson fail to convolert a late penalty at Anfield last time out, but his indignification will be tempoed somewhat by the performance of Asmo Begorra Bosnic the Bosnian lad in goal.

In my bumble opinion, Ollie Hillaway’s Seagulls side face an uphill garden if they’re to consolibrate their place at the table top. They’ll have to pull out all the tops, so here’s hoping they’ve got a bottle for it.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Crouching Pete with a right old wonderscream. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!

Aston Villa v Liverpool, 17:30

Paul Lambo pulled off a major coupon by getting the lad Bentheskey to stay put – he’s got a right future on him and no mistunk. Call it a munch, but if they keep him firing on all cillit bang then I see on reason why they can’t claim their steak for a Zooropa League spot.

Rodger Brenderson’s title aspirinations got off to a fryer with a convicting 1-0 domolition of Stoke last time out – Dean Sturridge looks like he could be a crackling replacement for the racism lad, so I expect the Reds to be in the pick ‘n’ mix when it comes to doling out the topshops at season’s end.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Bentheskey and Agbonleo for the homos, Sturridge and Gerrard Stevens for the awayos. You can shell a nut with it!

Sunday

Cardiff City v Manchester City, 16:00

Having been comprehensively disgruntled at West Ham last time out, it looks as if Malko Mackayo’s Redbirds might find the table top a bit of a culture club – I can see them anguishing near the table foot unless their experienced faces start marking their stamp on procedures with more authorodox.

City looked takebreathing against Newcastle on Monday night – they’ve got the quality to unblock any rearguard and I can see them steamrollering a lot of sides this season.

Mystic Megson says: 1-3 – David Bellamy to notch against his old club, but Aguerio Sergio, Jesus and Yoyo Torres to make this irreverent. You can fashion a tidy waistcoat out of that lot, lads!

Tottenham Hotspur v Swansea City, 16:00

Spurs will be a tough nut to handle this season – Andre Boa Constricto’s men are nothing if not braziliant and they’ve made plenty of murky signings, like Ferdinando and Williamo. Expect them to reek the benefist.

Brian Laudrup was left seething as his Swannies side suckthumbed to Manchester United’s pie flour last time out, so he’ll be looking to the likes of Mixu and Boneo to get them up and humming.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Manual Adebyebye. You can spongebath a tortoise with that lot, lads!

Monday

Manchester United v Chelsea, 20:00

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Will Rayne Wooney play?

Mystic Megson says: He won’t. You can put your balls on it!

Enjoy the footy, lads!