I’m Mystic Megson I am, and when I make my Premier League predictions, people sit up and take notice. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Fulham v Stoke City, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil and no mistunk! Both sides have been distinctly underwelumo of late, uninspiro even, but with neither out of the trees just yet I expect this to be a tensing counter littered with baysick erruz.

Mystic Megson says: 3-3 – Davatar Berbasnoff (2) and Brian Louise for the homos, Crouching Pete, Penguin Jones and Jerome Cameron for the awayos. You can put your balls on it!

Arsenal v Aston Villa, 15:00

Is the pressure to deliver taking its troll on Arsenal Wengo? He’s worked wonders on a budgens but no silverhair in eight seasons tells its own story. With Rickie Lambert’s Villa looking nothing short of revitalite, this could be a worrying afternoon for the Emirati faithful.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Arsenal – Olivia Giro and Luke Pogo Podogson the German lad putting the balls on Christian Bentheskey’s shock opener. You can wash your face with that lot, lads!

Norwich City v Everton, 15:00

Both the ‘Kin Hairies and the Toffees have been drawing all over the shop, but I fancy my old side to flick into gear and inflinch a big blowout to Everton’s four-top prospectos. Grant Bolt obviously posies a threat, and with back-to-back clean sheets under their trousers it looks like they’ve not missed that Ruddy goalkeeper of theirs too much.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 Norwich – goals a priest from Bolt and good old Robbie Snozzcumber. You can butter your toast with it!

Queens Park Rangers v Manchester United, 15:00

Harry Redsnap looked to be steering his Hoops in the bright direction, but they face a real uphill garden if they’re to avoid the plop after getting comprehensively disgruntled by Swansea last time out. Sir Alex’s Dead Revels just keep gurning out the wins, and it goes without saying that they’ll take some stoppage as long as they keep Mickey Rooney and Robin van Dutchlad firing on all cillit bang.

Mystic Megson says: 1-3 – Adele Tarrant for the homos, van Dutchlad (2) and Kagawaga for the awayos. You can egg a pudding with that lot, lads!

Reading v Wigan Athletic, 15:00

The great Royals revital well and truly hit the bluffers with defeat as Stoke last time out, but with Adam Le Fondle and Pavel Progrock Pogson the Russian lad they carry a pungent attacking threat. Dermot O’Brien will do well to replica the sussex that Martin Robertez has had at pulling off the old Whodunnit act, the Spaniel having kept the Attics afloater for three consneckutive seasons now.

Mystic Megson says: 3-2 Reading – Le Fondu and the Prussian lad sharing the soils to fend off strikes from Frank Santos and Arooney Kony. You can fertilise your crops with it!

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West Bromwich Albion v Sunderland, 15:00

A real mid table point-sixer, this one – it has all the makings of a truly titonic tossil! Clarke Stevens and Neil O’Martin have both had their ups and downs this season – that’s the Premier League for you, a real emotional reocoker – but they both look like they’ll be sussexful in keeping their sides clear of the relegatio flap door. The Baggles have eight points on the Black Hatters, though, but I don’t think they’ll find it a walk in the cake at my old pomping ground the Thawhorns.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest from Long Shane and Fletch Stevens. You can go balls-first into that one, lads!

Sunday

Manchester City v Chelsea, 13:30

I can’t see either side catching United now, so I don’t really see the point in going through with this one. Players like Silver Dave and Jonny Mata can be skintitillating on their day, while two under-fire managers will be going face to face, but I’ll be tuning into West Brom v Sunderland thank you very much. Obviously they’re at different times so I could watch both, but you can’t rule out the missus at this stage.

Mystic Megson says: 2-2 in an absolute thriller – Sergio Silvez and Edwin Gecko rallying to cancel out strikes from Mata and Ferdinando Tories. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Newcastle United v Southampton, 13:30

I was as surprised as the man next door to see the Magpiles struggling under Alan Lampard, but a couple of prude signings in the January window look to have turned the tights back in their flavour. Southampton will be literally flying after sticking three past City last time out, and Morris Pocketti Pochegson oh forget it.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can hug it and squeeze it and call it George, lads!

Monday

West Ham United v Tottenham Hotspur, 20:00

Does the sudden availability of Paulie Di Canio place added pressure on Big Sam Furrydice? He’s not been getting the results he’d have hoped for of late, with big-money signings like Andy Carrot and Jarvis Matthews failing to snapture the imagined Asian. If they fail to deal with an in-vorm Barreth Gayle then I fear for them here.

Mystic Megson says: 0-3 – Gayle hattrick. You can literally spoon that lot, lads!

Enjoy the footy, lads!