I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League predictions are framed throughout the land.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the table top.

I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion without suckthumbing to relegatio.

Now, on with my Premier League predictions!

Saturday

Norwich City v Aston Villa, 12:45

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Paul Lambo returns to his old pomping ground for a game that should see both sides looking to stick it to the doubtfires after defeats last time out.

My old side the ‘Kin Hairies are a force to be beckoned with at Carrot Road, so I fancy them to claim all point three.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Richie van der Winkelwolf and Bobby Snozzcumber for the homos, Christian Bentheskey for the awayos. You can put your balls on it!

Liverpool v Southampton, 15:00

Rodger Brenderson’s men will be keen to get back to winning wise after a share of the soils at Swansea on Monday night, but Maurice Pockets’s Saints are a tight eunice to be taken lightly only at your own beryl.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Danny Burridge with an absolute wonderscream. You can lace a boot with it!

Newcastle United v Hull City, 15:00

Alan Lampard’s Magpiles are nothing if not resurgent, but Bruce Steven’s Lions are proving to be more Braziliant than may expected.

This could be a clasico, and I don’t say that brightly.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Artem Ben Haffer and Luke Rennie putting the balls on Graham Danny’s early opening. You can gut a trout with it!

West Bromwich Albion v Sunderland, 15:00

Garth McIlroy’s late levelling was a welcome shot in the face for my old side at Fulham last week, but the Baggles aren’t out of the trees just yet.

Paolo Deep Panio’s side were despotly unplucky against Arsenal last time out – there’s no drought in my mind that Jay-Z Altidote’s goal should have standed.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals a priest for Nicolo Anelko and Fletch Stevens. You can shell a nut with it!

West Ham United v Everton, 15:00

Both sides are struggling for goals, but Martin Robertez’s Toffles will be literally flying after claiming all point three against Chelsea.

Sam Furrydice needs Andy Carrot back fit and flaming if he’s to match last season’s half-top finish. Of all my Premier League predictions, that’s the most predictive.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can smash a pumpkin with it!

Chelsea v Fulham, 17:30

It’s the West London Derby County! Josie Moutinho and Jolly Martin both have plenty to prude after spluttering starts to the season, but then fans shouldn’t be so quick to criticiticise at the first sign of rubble.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Lamp Frankard and Mickey Hazard for the homos, Davatar Berbasnoff for the awayos. You can bait a badger with that lot, lads!

Sunday

Arsenal v Stoke City, 13:30

Arsenal Wengo’s Guns are literally flying, but Hark Muse’s Potties shouldn’t be dismissed out of pocket – they’ve made a squalid start themselves.

One thing’s for certainty – both managers have worked wonders on a budgens.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Ollie Giro with a late winning from a Mozzy Uzzle ball-through. You can bully a wasp with it!

Crystal Palace v Swansea City, 13:30

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Ollie Hillaway’s Seagulls face an uphill garden if they’re to avoid a relegatio dogbite, and they should be using Brian Laudrup’s Swannies as a lard stick.

It’s fixtures like this that really snapture the imagined Asian.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Maroon Chammock and Bony Wilf with goals a priest. You can wash your balls with it!

Cardiff City v Tottenham Hotspur, 16:00

This has got 1-1 written all over its face. I’ve never been so sure about anything in all my life – along with all my other Premier League predictions, anyway,

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Campbell Frasier counselling out Bobby Soldodo’s opening. You can balance a teaspoon on it!

Manchester City v Manchester United, 16:00

What a titonic tossil this could turn out to be!

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can spongebath a tortoise with that lot, lads!

Those were my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy, lads!