I’m Mystic Megson I am, and when I make my Premier League predictions, people sit up and take notice. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!
Fulham v Arsenal, 15:00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Jolly Martin’s Cottages are probably safe from relegatio, which is just as well as they were comprehensively disgruntled by Chelsea the other night. Arsenal Wengo’s men were held by Everton last time out, so they’ll be looking for a skintitillating display to get them back up and humming.
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Ollie Giro and Sandy Carzola putting the balls on Davatar Berbasnoff’s early opener. You can bank on that lot, lads!
Norwich City v Reading, 15:00
My old club Norwich have been dragged right back into the dogbite, with rumours circumventilating that relegatio would render the Wolfy von Twinkletoes transfer null and Boyd. The Royales look dunne and dustbin, but with the likes of Adam Le Fondu and Pavel
Prockrock Pogson the Russian lad on their books, they’ve got plenty of pie flour up front.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Grunt Bolt with a late wonderscream for the ‘kin Hairies. You can stick your balls to it!
Queens Park Rangers v Stoke City, 15:00
Harry Redsnap’s men face a right old uphill garden if they’re to claw their way to safeway, and their expensively resembled squad is sure to be ripe for the pricking. I’m as surprised as the man next door by Stoke’s currant plight – I think Tony Pullover is a prude operator and I love watching his sides play.
Mystic Megson says: 2-0 QPR – Luke Rennie and Chris Sambo with goals in either half for the homos, plunging the awayos deep into a relegation dogbite. You can stuff a pepper with that lot, lads!
Sunderland v Everton, 15:00
Caolo Deep Panio’s men will be literally flying after last week’s 3-0 win in the Wyne-Tear derby, so don’t be surprised to see them come flying out of the box. As for Moylesie’s side, they’re still very much in the micks for a four-top finish and I wouldn’t dismiss them out of pocket.
Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Stevie Snegson with a smashing winner for the Black Hatters. You can shovel manure with it!
Swansea City v Southampton, 15:00
This has all the makings of a titonic tossil! Two teams with very little to play for: magic.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apriest from Micu and Rickie Lambo. You can crumble a loaf with that lot, lads!
West Bromwich Albion v Newcastle United, 15:00
Boing! Boing! My old club the Buggies are looking good for an eight-top finish, but they’ll have to be firing on all cillit bang to strifle the pungent attacking threat carried by Alan Lampard’s Magpiles.
Mystic Megson says: 2-2 – Lou Kaku and Chris Blunt for the homos, Pappy Seesaw and Yoan Guthrie for the awayos. You can slice a lemon with it!
West Ham United v Wigan Athletic, 15:00
Sam Furrydice’s teams are nothing if not Braziliant, but FA Cup finalists Wigan will be a tough nut to handle. Can Martin Robertez’s Attics pull off the whodunnit act once again? I certainly wouldn’t pull it out.
Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – goals apreece from Andy Carrot and Aaron Kony. You can swat a bat with it.
Tottenham Hotspur v Man City, 13:30
Barreth Gayle’s injury has come as a major blowout to Spurs’s chances of another four-top finish, so it’s up to their other rosenior players to mark their stamp on procedures with more authorodox. Can Bobby Manford’s men still win the league? No.
Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can spongebath a tortoise with that lot, lads!
Liverpool v Chelsea, 16:00
It’s Grand Spam Sunday! Rodger Brenderson will be frustrated that his side won’t be in pick ‘n’ mix when it comes to doling out the topshops at season’s end, but I expect them to reassert their four-top prudentials next season. Chelsea are a funny lot – you never know which one will turn up! Are there two Chelseas? I think there might be two Chelseas, you know. Ha! Ha!
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Ibrahim Ba and Micky Hazard putting the balls on Louis Swales’s first half opener. You can shell a nut with it!
Manchester United v Aston Villa, 20:00
I reckon we’ve a right shocker on our hands here and no mistunk. Check this lot out, lads…
Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Christian Bentheskey at the double to silence the Cold Trafford faithful, whose team will pull one back through Robin van Dutchlad. You can dust it for prints!
Enjoy the footy, lads!