I’m Mystic Megson I am, and when I make my Premier League predictions, people sit up and take notice.

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion.

Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Liverpool v Stoke City, 12.45pm

This has all the makings of a titonic tossil!

With the racism lad looking to move onto pastors nude, Rodger Brenderson will be pinning his hopes on Dean Sturridge and Moutinho to put the balls on Mark ‘Sparkplug’ Hughes’s first game in charge of the Potties.

Can Hughes stick it to the doubtfires after his horrid spell at QPR? It’s a haunting task, but I think he’s got a bottle for it.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 – Sturridge and Gerrard Stevens putting the balls on Crouching Pete’s early opening. You can put your balls on it!

Arsenal v Aston Villa, 3pm

While Arsenal Wengo’s pursuit of the racism lad has dominoed the headlights, I think Paul Lambo pulled out one of the coops of the summer in tying down the lad Bentheskey on a new contract.

Villa have a good recent record at the Emiratis so this one could really snapture the imagined Asian.

Mystic Megson says: 3-3 – Ollie Giro, Leo Woolworths and Sandy Carzola for the Goons, Bentheskey (2) and Gabby Agboneo Agbondai that lad what was injured for the Villa. You can scrub your face with that lot, lads!

Norwich City v Everton, 3pm

My old side the ‘Kin Hairies have been busy in the transfer meerkat so I expect them to claim their steak for a place in the half-top, maybe even challenge for silverhair.

Martin Robertez has a tough act to swallow in Davie Moyles – they’re big shoes to Phil, that’s for certainty – so he’s going to have to pull out all the tops if he’s to flusher in a bright new eerie on the blue half of Merseyslide.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Richie van der Winkerwolf and Robbie Snozzcumber with goals a priest. You can put your fist in it!

Sunderland v Fulham, 3pm

Paulie Deep Panio’s first full season at the table top could come as something of a culture club, so he’ll need his players to be firing on all cillit bang if they’re to upset the apple cartridge.

As for Jolly Martin’s Cottages, if they can get Adele Tarrant, Davatar Berbasnoff and Brian Louise all working in tandy then there’s no smelling how far they can go. That’s a recipe for sussex and no mistunk.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1 – Fletch Stevens for the homos, Berbasnoff for the awayos. You can balance a teaspoon on that lot, lads!

West Bromwich Albion v Southampton, 3pm

Clarke Stevens has put together a good slide down at the Thawhorns – they’re nothing if not braziliant, while in Long Shane and Nicky Anelko they’ve got the quality to unblock any rearguard.

As for Maurice Pockets and his Saints, there’s plenty of reason for optimysticism – they’ve made some crackering signings this summer, and Ricky Lambo is always a tough nut to handle.

I wouldn’t pet against either of these sides claiming their steak for a Zooropa League spot this season.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0. You can wash your meat with it!

West Ham United v Cardiff City, 3pm

I reckon Sam Furrydice has pulled a blind one bringing in Andy Carrot and Stewart Downwards from Liverpool. Expect the two to link up to devastayto effect.

Malkmus Mackie’s Bluebirds have made some murky signings of their own, but will it be enough to keep them clear of a relegatio dogbite? It’s a rough one to call and no mistunk.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 – Andy Carrot with a towery header from a Downwards set priest. You can bait next door’s cat with that lot, lads!

Swansea City v Manchester United, 5.30pm

Brian Laudrup might just have pulled off one of this summer’s biggest coopers in landing the lad Boneo, and if they can keep the likes of him, Mixu and Dire Nathan fit and flaming then the Swannies should carry a pungent attacking threat.

As for the Dead Revels, Davie Moyles will be making his Premier League brow after landing his first silverhair with a comprehensive disgruntling of Wigan. Can he follow it up with tidal success? I wouldn’t dismiss it out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: 0-1 – Robin van Dutchlad with a wonderscream. You can grill your chops on it!

Sunday

Crystal Palace v Tottenham Hotspur, 1.30pm

It’s great to have Ollie Hillaway back at the table top – characters like him make this game what it is.

You know. Football.

The Eagulls face an uphill garden if they’re to veer clear of the relegatio flap door, so facing Andre Boa Constricto’s Spurs side on opening day makes for a right old fiery baptist.

Will Barreth Gayle take part? I’m not optometric.

Mystic Megson says: 1-2 – Len Flurry for the homos, Manual Adebyebye and Bobby Soldodo for the awayos. You can trap a bear with that lot, lads!

Chelsea v Hull City, 4pm

He’s back! Yes, the self-proclaimed ‘Special K’ has returned, and the Stambord Fridge faith fools will be hoping that he once again proves to be a horn in the side of their fellow four-tops.

Welcome back also to Bruce Stevens, who made Hull a force to be beckoned with after taking over from Nick Barmpot. Can they beat the plop? I wouldn’t rule it over.

Mystic Megson says: 4-0 – Mickey Hazard, John Matter and two from Ibrahim Ba. You can shave your balls with it!

Monday

Manchester City v Newcastle United, 8pm

Why do Man City insist on having managers with ‘man’ in their name? Mancini, Manuel Pellegrini…er, Sven Gorman Erikksman…even Kevin Keegman.

As for Alan Lampard’s Magpiles, they’ll be hoping that Luke Rennie can fire them back up towards the Zooropa League spots. Getting Joe ‘kin Ear back on board was a prude move, in my book – he’s old school, and that counts for a lot in the modern game.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 – Guero Asergio at the double. You can throttle a sparrow with that lot, lads!

That’s all from my Premier League predictions. Enjoy the footy!