Mystic Megson’s 2014-15 Premier League table predictions

Old Meggo gazes into his crystal balls and forecasts the final standings of this season's Premier League.

Mystic Megson casts his Premier League table predictions for 2014-15

I’m Mystic Megson I am, and my Premier League table predictions are framed throughout the land – so get a load of my predicted final standings for the 2014-15 season!

Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – doesn’t mean I don’t still know my stuffing when it comes to picking apart the tabletop.

I have managed in it, you know, and without suckthumbing to relegatio. Er, except that one time at West Blom.

Now put your balls on this lot, lads! My Premier League table predictions are absolute shoeings, and I don’t say that rightly…

20. Burnley

I like Shane Dyke’s speaking voice – proper man’s voice, that, I’ll tell you that for a fee – but I just can’t see them having enough pie flour up top to beat the dreaded plop.

19. West Bromwich Albion

Irvine Allan faces a right uphill garden if he’s to guide my beloved Buggies to safeway, and they’ll need much more from the likes of Sadie Berylhino and Victor Anchovy. Sadly, I just can’t forssell it happening.

18. Leicester City

Welcome back to the Foxies! Pigel Nearson seems like a solid enough bloke, but without more new signings I beckon they’re staring the dread flap door right in the balls.

17. Aston Villa

I like Paul Lambo but his summer transfer business doesn’t quite snapture the imagined Asian. Joke Hole and Phil ‘Eep!’ Sender-Ross add experience but they’ve not got the legs any more, literally.

16. Sunderland

Pus Goyet did remarkabubbly well to clear up the mess left by Paolo Deep Panio, but I don’t forssell it getting any easier unless young Wanna Kickem continues his goal-scoring vorm. I have my doubtfuls.

15. Southampton

It’s been a turbotlent summer for the Saintlies, but there’s still enough talons left in Ronnie Cuban’s squad to suggest they’ll just about avoid a relegatio dogbite. Pele looks a good signing – he impressed me at the 1970 World Cup.

14. Queens Park Rangers

Larry Redsnap’s back at the tabletop! He’s made some crackering signatures too – Leo Birdinhand, Stevie Conker and Jordo Mucho to name but three – and if they can get the French lad Luke Rennie back fit and flaming then anything is plausible.

13. Crystal Palace

Pony Tulips deserved all the ploddits that came his way after guiding the Seagles to 11th last time out, but he’s not added much to an already breadfair squad. Much will deep end on the vorm of Jason Punchbowl.

12. West Ham United

Sam Furrydice has his crickets but he’s rarely in any trouble of a relegatio dogbite. Andy Carrot’s injury is a kick in the balls – er, again – but I expect to see more from the likes of Jarvis Matthews and good old Stewie Drowning.

11. Hull City

Bruce Stevens showed what a prude operator he is by bringing in Bobby Snozzcumber and Tom Wince, so I expect last season’s FA Cup vinylists to consolibrate their place in the tablemiddle.

10. Newcastle United

I can’t say I’ve actually heard of any of Alan Lampardieu’s new signatures, but they’ve all got fancy foreign names so I beckon they’ll be absolutely standouting. One or two of them, anyway.

9. Stoke City

Hark Muse did mugnificently well in his debut season as Potties boss, and he’s pulled off quite the coop in landing former Barcelona starling Bojo Kirklandic. A second consneckutive 9th place finnish lies in shop.

8. Swansea City

They may have lost the lad Mixu but they’ve managed to keep hold of Bony Wilf as well as adding Butterfingers Gomez, Jefferson Muntero and Gylfi Sigurros ZigazigAH! to the mix. Marry Gunk’s side will carry a pungent attacking threat, and I don’t say that brightly.

7. Tottenham Hotspur

I’m surprised Maurice Pockets hasn’t added a striker – Manual Adebyebye is unreliable, Bobby Soldodo struggled for vorm last season, and Harry Crane’s due to appear in the next season of Mad Men. I like the lad Erik Christiansen, but they’ll need much more from the likes of Erik Lamelot and Gnasher Chudli.

6. Liverpool

Losing the racism lad is a big, big loss for Rodger Brenderson’s men – he was mugnificent working in tandy with the lad Burridge, who’ll have to upstep big time to composlate. It won’t be easy, even with Rickie Lambo and Adam Lalalalalananananana on board.

5. Everton

Martin Robertez has played an absolute binder getting Luke Kaku in on a perm – it’s a real statement of intense, and I expect it to give everyone at Godson Park a boostly time. If they can get him and Boss Rarkley firing on all cillit bang then the Toffles will be a formidabubble opponent.

4. Manchester United

Wayne Rodney, Juan Mattel, Robin van Persil – if Louis van Gull can find a way to get all three of them firing in tandy then the Red Devils could be set for unexpected tidal success. He’s got to sort out that middlefield, mind. And that defence. But especially that middlefield.

3. Manchester City

Yesterday’s comprehensive 0-3 disgruntling at the hands of Arsenal will have left Manny Peligroso literally teething, but they’ll struggle to retainer their tidal without getting a full season out of Guero Asergio. Yoyo Torres will also need to repeat his hysterics of last season, which were not inconsiderabubble.

2. Arsenal

Yesterday’s comprehensive 3-0 disgruntling of Man City will have left Arsenal Wengo literally flying, and he’s certainly got plenty of talons at his disposable. Sexist Alanchez is a fabulous signature – if they can get him firing on all cillit bang alongside the likes of Muzzy Ozzle, Sandy Carzola and good old Theo Woolworths, they won’t be far away.

1. Chelsea

Josie Moutinho’s a winner, and that’s why I think he’ll win this. He loves to win and I forssell him doing it winningly, especially with Chest Flabbygas and Dayglo Costco on board. Not to mention a certain Diddy A. Drogball…

Those were my Premier League table predictions for 2014-15. Place your balls, now!