I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace too, that is – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads…

SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 1st

West Ham United v Fulham, 12:45

Sam Allardyce’s side may have looked a bit of a lead rubber at Swansea last week but I wouldn’t rule them out of the roost just yet. The Hammers have got plenty of experience in the likes of Kevin Nolan and Jussi Jaskielka Jagson that goalie what was also at Bolton with Sam, and in Matt Jarvis I think they might have unbirthed a real Jen.

As for Martin Jol’s Cottagers, they’ll be smarting after going out of the League Cup to Sheffield Wednesday, who are of course along with Bolton another team what I should still be managing now if it wasn’t for idiots. They’ll also be sick as a canary after losing Muzzy Djembele-Djembele to Spurs, but at the time of writing no-one’s had Clint Dempsey off them. I do write these before Friday, you know.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, Irons to take the lead through a speculative Mark Noble shot, later cancelled out by a scorching volley curtsy of an en-suite Damien Duff. You can build your house on it, lads!

Swansea City v Sunderland, 15:00

Hats off to Michael Laudrup’s Swans, they’ve really put the balls on everyone by starting the season with back-to-back 5-0 and 3-0 wins. That Michu looks like a contender for signing of the season, and even if they lose Scotty Sinclair to Chelsea they’ve got Wayne Routledge firing on all cillit bang for arguably the first time at the table top. Brendan who? Ha! Ha!

Martin O’Neill’s a clever chap – you can tell by his glasses. By the time this goes live he may well have added Clint Dempsey to his arsenal, and if the American lad can strike up an understanding with Steven Fletcher and Stephane Sesspi Snegson the Beninese lad then the Black Hats could be a force to be beckoned with.

Mystic Megson says: Swansea to hit their first bluffer of the season as Sunderland recover from an early Michu strike to win 2-1 thanks to goals from Craig Gardner and Seb Larsson. You can put your balls on that one!

Tottenham Hotspur v Norwich City, 15:00

Can Muzzy Djembele-Djembele fill Luka Mudrick’s boots? I’m not convicted. Without wanting to put the balls on it, I don’t think that Villas-Boas is cut out of English football, but Spurs should have enough quality to ensure that they’re at least in the pick ‘n’ mix when it comes to doling out the topshops at season’s end.

What can you say about Chris Hughton’s Norwich that hasn’t been said already? I have to say I’m not especially optistic about the Canaries’ chances of staying at the table top, especially if Grant Holt is unable to repeat his hysterics of last season. A relegation dogbite beckons.

Mystic Megson says: 3-1 Tottenham, goals from Defoe, Bale and Adebayor putting the balls on Jonny Howson’s opener. You can wipe your face on it!

West Bromwich Albion v Everton, 15:00

The Baggies continued their fine start to life under Steve Clarke with a 4-2 League Cup win at Yeovil Town last night, so they’ll be going into this match with no shortage of balls. In Long, Lukaku and Odemwingie they carry a pungent attacking threat, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see my former side upsetting the apple cartridge this year.

As for the Toffees, well, they’ve looked nothing short of revitalite since good old David Moyes did his business back in January. Pienaar, Fellaini and Jelavic are humming, and the defence is looking tighter than the mother-in-law at Christmas.

Mystic Megson says: 2-3 Everton in a right old ping-pong, Odemwingie and Long bagging for the Baggies and Osman, Jelavic and Gibson for Everton. You can wash yer dishes with that lot, lads!

Wigan Athletic v Stoke City, 15:00

Roberto Martinez’s Latics side look to be flicking into gear more earlier than what they usually, picking up in fact from where they leftovers the end of last season. Losing Victor Moses will have come as a kick in the balls but if they keep scoring worldies at the same rate as they were against Nottingham Forest the other night then Wigan could well be this season’s surprise packaging.

I love watching Stoke City play as much as the next man – they’re like a slightly less stylish version of my old Bolton Wanderers sides – but I do worry for them this time around as they’ve not been making their usual murky signings. Or is it marky? Whatever Tuncay and Eidur Gudja Gegso the Icelandic lad were. If they sign Charlie Adam, as is being taunted, a European spot beckons I reckon.

Mystic Megson says: 2-0 Wigan, goals from Di Santo and the Geordie, Gomez, to secure a convicting home win at the DW.

Manchester City v Queens Park Rangers, 17:30

That Sergio Silvatelli looks a bright spark, doesn’t he? I’m not a fan of Roberto Mancini – something about his continental style doesn’t sit well with old Meggo – but I reckon they’ve got a good one in Richard Wright, who’s impressed me in the past not only as goalkeeper of Ipswich Town but also as keyboardist of Pink Floyd. They did muck about a bit, the Floyd, but I do love “How Deep is Your Love?” after a few sherries at Christmas. That was them, wasn’t it?

Mark Hughes has got a real uphill garden if he’s going to keep QPR at the table top after the start they’ve had, but the gut of defensive signings he’s been making should stand them in Jon Stead. If Djovril Cisse and Bobby Zamorish can get into a groove then they could yet pull away from the relegation flap door.

Mystic Megson says: 3-0 City, Tevez, Silvatelli and Toure putting the balls on an early spell of QPR pressure. You can sweep your rug with it!

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 2nd

Liverpool v Arsenal, 13:30

Brendan Rodgers will be satisfied with getting a point off an in-form Hearts side, but he’ll be bitterly disappointed at losing Carroll to Big Sam’s Hammers. That’s a kick in the balls and no mistake, but if the lad who’s just come in on loan can link up with the racism lad then there’s no telly how far they can go. Downing to left-back is a good call in my book.

It’s two draws in two for Arsene Wenger’s Gunners and I can tell you the French lad won’t be happy with that. I reckon he’ll still be wheeling at the loss of Robin van Persie, ’cause I don’t think any of the new lads are fit to grace the Dutchman’s boots. I like the young lad in goal – does his name mean ‘man on’ in Italian? I reckon he’s got a right future on him.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 Liverpool, a right old screamer from Henderson to silence the doubtfires. You can balance a teaspoon on that one, lads!

Newcastle United v Aston Villa, 16:00

Alan Pardew will be delighted at taking all three points against a workharding Atromitos side, and young Harry Vuski Vegson young Harry will be made up with that strike. Can the Magpies replica their sussex of last season? Only Tyne will tell.

Paul Lambert’s Villa side were comprehensively disgruntled by an on-suite Everton last weekend, but then they played Tranmere Rovers off Villa Park the other night so there’s no knowing which Villa might throw up. One thing’s for sure: they’re in for a reocoker ride this season.

Mystic Megson says: 3-2 Newcastle, Cisse and Ba sparing the soils for the home side, Bent and Almo the Moroccan lad to notch consolo strikes for Villareal.

Southampton v Manchester United, 16:00

Nigel Adkins’ Saints got their season up and humming with a magnificent 4-1 win at Stevenage Borough and he’s been out there doing more shopping than the missus on pay day, so if they can keep the likes of Rickie Lambert, Billy Sharp and Jason Puncheon fit and fiery then there’s no reason why they can’t finish right in the middle of the table, right in between the salt and pepper, just behind the chasing pack and right next to the Lurpak.

That was a nasty gash on Rooney, and I’m not talking about Auld Whatsherface! The Japanese lad looks a bit handy though so if Sir Alex can get him working in Tandy with Robin van Persie then I’d half expect the Red Devils to claim a real steak for the top doggers this season. Remember where you heard it first.

Mystic Megson says: 1-3 United, Lambert with a conservatory for Saints in response to goals from the three V’s, van Persie, Valencia and Vidic.

Enjoy the footy, lads!