Queens Park Rangers v Everton, Saturday 3pm

Not been the best of starts for Sparky at QPR, has it? A right old baptist of fire and no mistake. On paper, you’d think they’d have a better side than Norwich and Swansea, but as the saying goes – football isn’t played on paper, it’s played at many different stadia around the world. Bobby Zamora might not have hit the cow’s arse running, but I’m backing him to fire the R’s to safeway starting here.

Everton, eh? Every year they start slower than the missus walking past an Ernest Jones display window, and then from January to May they’re virtually undroppable. I agree with Sir Alex when he says that David Moyes has done a miraculous job at Goodison – he’s done so much to promote the cause of managerial redheads, and I’d like to remind him that I am now free to take a coaching role following my untimely dismissal as Sheffield Wednesday boss. How about it, Dave? I’ll have Hibbert and Neville pinging it around like old Meggo in his pomp.

Mystic Megson says: 1-0 QPR, Zamora with a screamer to make up for the open goal he missed against the Toffees for Fulham a few months ago. Decant your liquids into that one, lads!