I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m out of a job at the moment – bloody disgrace it is, too – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads!

Saturday

Norwich City v West Ham United, 12:45

The Canaries will have been flying after knicking a late one at Tottenham a couple of weeks back, so the international break will have been about as welcome as one of the mother-in-law’s unannounced pop-rounds – and I’m not talking about a round in a pub quiz. Keeping Norwich at the top table for another season looks to be no small order, so Chris Hughton is faced with a haunting task. If he can constipire to keep them clear of the relegation dogbite it would be literally magic, but ultimately I fear the doubtfires will be proved right. If only they still had me playing for them.

The Irons will have been flying after beating Fulham 3-0 at Upton Park, so…well, you know the rest. Andy Carroll tore the backside out of the Cottagers’ rearguard with a dominos first-half display, so the injury he then picked up must have been a bitter phil to swallow. Big Sam Allardyce has put a decent squad together, though, so I wouldn’t dismiss their chances of a top-half finish out of pocket.

Mystic Megson says: Those happy Hammers will be blowing more bubbles as goals a priest from Kevin Nolan and Keith Vaz Tea condemn Norwich to an antagonising home defeat. You can put your balls on it!

Arsenal v Southampton, 15:00

The Gunners looked in fine kettle at Liverpool last time out, and if they can keep that Shanty lad fit and fiery then there’s no reason why they can’t be up there challenging for the topshops at the end of the season. The lad Abou Dhabi looked revitalite in midfield, while three clean seats out of three suggests that Steve Bould has been importing his wisdom all over Arsene Wenger’s backline. It’s literally mind-blowing, and I’m not one to exjaggerate.

Nigel Adkins’s Saints only have themselves to blame for allowing a 2-1 lead over Manchester United to blip through their fingertops, but at the same time they can take a lot of encouragement from the start they’ve made, which has been poor to be honest. Richie Lambert is my kind of player, and I like the look of young Lala, but if they’re to avoid the relegation flap door then they’ve got to tighten up at the back. They’ve got a strong defence, so I wouldn’t pull it out just yet.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Arsenal, goals from Giro and Shanty putting the balls on an early Lambert shocker. You can wash your face with that one, lads!

Aston Villa v Swansea City, 15:00

What had been a right old fiery baptist for Paul Lambert took a turn for the better with a 1-1 draw at Newcastle last time out, and if he can keep his senior players flaming then anything is plausible. Villa’s youthful squad will be reliant on Darren Bent filling his boots, ideally with goals, while in Irish Steve and Charles N’somnia they have the quality to, you know, score and that – but there’s a lot resting on Bent’s shoulders, and I mean that even more now than when I said it a few seconds ago.

Michael Laudrup’s Swans go into this game still unbeaten, and if they can come through this one unbathed then you might have to start wondering about their European prudentials. The new lad what keeps scoring (Mikey?) looks like a prude bit of business, while they’ve got Wayne Routledge firing on all cillit bang for probably the first time at the table top, so they’ll always be a threat – if they can keep their defence as tight as the mother-in-law at Christmas then it’ll be party time wherever in Wales Swansea is.

Mystic Megson says: Both sides to go away satisfied with a 2-2 draw, Bent double for Villa, Mikey and Nathan Dyer for Swansea. You can balance a pencil on it!

Fulham v West Bromwich Albion, 15:00

Martin Jol’s Cottagers were poundly beaten by an on-suite West Ham side in their last routing, so bringing in Georgey Katarac Kagson the Greek lad seems like a good bit of business. Losing Dumbelly and the lad Dumpsey in quick recession was a kick in the balls, but if Berbatoff can resnapture the form of his Spurs playday then they could yet be a surprise packaging.

West Brom have started like a right hold housefire so you’ve got to scoff your cap at Steve Clarke. However, I’m not convicted that the Baggies will be able to keep the plaice, but if they can keep the lads in midfield – Yocky and Yoo Yah? – fit then I could see my old side terminating at a European stop.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, Berbatoff for the hosts and a late screamer from Yoo Yah for the visitors. You can take out a contract out on it!

Manchester United v Wigan Athletic, 15:00

The Red Devils have been far from convicting so far but if Robbie van Persie’s injury isn’t too serious then they’ve got someone who score a goal out of something, and that’s important when you’re trying to score goals in a football match. The Japanese lad Kajagoogoo looks like he’s got some creativoli about him, but Tom Cleverson has a lot to learn at this level if this week’s plate of newspaper articles is anything to go by. Can Sir Alex get his lads all flamed up for a title shove? I wouldn’t put the balls on it just yet.

Wigan will be disappointed at only managering a point at home to Stoke last time out, but Martin Roberts has got them playing some decent stuff so it’s not beyond the elms of possibility that they could claim their steak for a top ten finish. Frank Santos is a world class centre-forward on his day, while in the Geordie, Gomez, they’ve got someone who can carve open defences like the wife carves open avocados – and I didn’t even know what an avocado was until she bought that Jamie Oliver whatnot recently. I have to say, I’m not convicted.

Mystic Megson says: The Latics to get a reality TV cheque as United run out 4-0 winners thanks to goals from Scholes, van Persie, Kajagoogoo and Naan. You can clone a sheep with it!

Queens Park Rangers v Chelsea, 15:00

With just one point from their opening three games, QPR’s start to the season has been something of a damp squid, but they’ve for the pie flour up front to cause anyone problematicals. If Mark Hughes can jangle his resources something effective then this could yet prove to be a memorable champagne at Loftus Road, especially if Kieron Dyer and Sean Wright-Phillips can resnapture their form of ten years ago. That John Andrews up front is worth keeping an eye on too – he was devastately for Crystal Palace a few years back.

European Super Cup humping aside, Chelsea have been the early plaice-setters with nine points out of nine, and if they can keep winning every game then I don’t see any reason why they can’t claim their steak for a Champions League plaice. In Micky Hazard they look to have unbirthed a real Jen, while Daniel Burridge and Bert Ryanair both impressed for England the other night, indicating that Chelsea’s future lies in a right old handy safe. Combine that with the everglade talents of John Terry and Frank Lampard, and it’s clear that Matt Roberts could yet add the Premier League title to his already impressive trophy hull.

Mystic Megson says: 1-1, Zamorish and Torres for either side, Terry to shake Ferdinand’s hand but Ferdinand not to shake Terry’s. You can calculate your outstanding bills on that one, lads!

Stoke City v Manchester City, 15:00

Tony Pulis’s men look to be this season’s draw specialties, and if he can keep the Potters going in this vein until May then we could yet be looking at a truly remarkable relegation. With Owen and Crouch dovewailing up front Stoke should have too much for the Jamaicas and Macedonias of this league, while Charlie Adam’s hairpieces are truly a wonder to be told.

City may have knicked the title last time out but I can’t see them doing it again – there’s something about Robbie Mancini that doesn’t sit queasily with me, but then I’ve always been suspicious of these continental types. What’s Wenger even won, eh? Well, recently, anyway. Sergio Silvatelli’s return from injury provides a boostly time, but overall I feel City’s squad lacks length.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 City, a Silvatelli double putting the balls on an early Owen opener. You can scratch your balls with it!

Sunderland v Liverpool, 17:30

Two points out of two makes it a solid start from Martin O’Neill’s Black Hatters, and with Johnny Adams on loan from City and Stephane Sesspit Snegson the Beninese lad in midfield, the supply line to Steven Fletcher should prove to be a fruity one. I’ve a sneaky suspension that there are good times ahead at Roker Park, and I don’t say that slightly.

It’s been a right old fiery baptist at Anfield for Brendan Rodgers but it was always going to take time for him to inclement his style of play so we’ll just have to see what churchspires from heron in. The Welsh lad’s made a strong start in midfield and Louis Swales can always knick a goal, so I don’t see why the Reds can’t consoliday their top-eight prudentials this year.

Mystic Megson says: 0-0, Cattermole to pick up a booking for a 37th-minute lunge at Downing. You can carve open an avocado on that lot, lads!

Sunday

Reading v Tottenham Hotspur, 16:00

Brian McDermott’s done a remarkable job at the Majesty Madkins Megjson Reading Stadium but one point from their first two will have come as a ruud awaking. Steve Coppello’s 8th place finish in 2007 is a rough act to swallow, but if Pavel Progrock Progregson oh forget it.

In AVB we have another manager who’s had a right old fiery baptist, and already the pressure is on for the bloke what got sacked by Chelsea last year. In Dumbelly and Dumpsey they’ve signed two world class players, so I don’t see them missing Luco Mudrick as much as what everyone was saying.

Mystic Megson says: Reading to domino proceedings but Spurs to knick it 1-0 with a late own goal, Gorkss inadvertly deflecking it past Fredricks in the Royals goal. You can shove that one right up there, lads!

Monday

Everton v Newcastle United

The Toffees’ great start came crashing to a Holt at my old club West Brom last time out, but when Felony, Peano and Jelo Jegso the Croatian lad are all fit and fiery, they’re a force to be beckoned with. David Moyes has done a great job on limited resorts, so there’s no reason why they can’t go on to claim their steak for a European plaice – and, truth be told, that would make for a statisfactory outcomb.

Alan Pardew has second season sindrobe to contend with but there’s certainly no shortage of jollity in the Magsons’ squad – Artem Ben Hatter, Djibril Cisse and Ibrahim Ba are gleeful finishers, while the lad John Cabbage in midfield can open up defences like the wife opens cans of worms. Another top half finish reckons, although I’m not convicted about their European prudentials.

Mystic Megson says: Both sides to come away disappointing from a reocoker 2-2 draw, Osman and the Croatian lad for Everton, Cisse and Ben Hatter for the visitors. You can park a tank on it!

If I’m wrong about any of these then there must have been a spot of dust on the old crystal ball. Enjoy the footy, lads!