I’m Mystic Megson, I am, and when I predict the weekend’s Premier League results, people listen. Just because I’m currently battling for promotion to the Championship with Sheffield Wednesday – and doing a bloody good job of it too, thank you very much – it doesn’t mean that I don’t still know my onions when it comes to picking apart the greatest league in the world. I have managed in it, you know, and on more than one occasion. Now hang your hat on this lot, lads…

Arsenal v Manchester United, Sunday 4pm

The missus has threated to have Brian and Susie from next door round for tea on Sunday afternoon. If she wants me to be in a sulk all week then she can go ahead. I was going to invite Neil Warnock round to watch this one over a few tinnies, so I’ll be livid if I have to spend my Sunday listening to one of Susie’s interminable anecdotes about her toenail fungus. Put me right off my Yorkie puds last time, I’ll tell you that. Oh aye – Arsenal struggled badly at Swansea City last weekend but a big game like this is the perfect opportunity for Arsene Wenger and his team to ram a few choice words back in the faces of their crickets. And they don’t come much big gamer than this.

Last week, I backed Arsenal to stroll to a 3-0 victory at Swansea. To be fair, my usually reliable crystal football was a little dusty that day, so we’ll let that one slide, eh?

Honestly, though, that Brian’s no better. He always thinks he’s got to engage me in football chat just because I’m a manager, but he hasn’t got a scuba of what he’s talking about. He thought Marcus Tudgay was still with us, for crying out loud. Us meaning Sheffield Wednesday, that is, not the living. Good grief, my train of thought’s been derailed again. I know I keep saying it but I really must stay out the whiskey cabinet of a Friday – it’s playing havoc with my predictions, as well as my movements. Anyway, United at the moment are harder to predict than the results of my wife’s egg-poaching technique. ‘Ave that, Mrs Megson!

Last week, I said United’d demolish my old side Bolton Wanderers 10-0. They only got three in the end but I was basically right.

Mystic Megson says: 2-1 Arsenal, van Persie double, Rooney with United’s. Sticking my neck out a bit with the goalscorers there. Enjoy the game, lads!