Hello everyone! I’m former Liverpool and West Ham United forward Tweety Camera, and I’m a right nosy so-and-so.

All day every day, you can be sure that I’ll be scouring Twitter, sniffing out the very best of my fellow professionals’ musings like I used to sniff out goal-scoring chances, and presenting them for your delectation with the kind of ruthless efficiency that saw me net 23 times in 38 games for my native Guinea. I do so hope that you enjoy this week’s selections…

Disclaimer: The views expressed by the following Twits do not necessarily reflect my own – signed Tweety Camera, formerly of Liverpool and West Ham United

Hello everyone, it’s me, Tweety Camera! Are you enjoying the hot weather? If you’re reading this then I suppose you aren’t, unless you’re on one of those new-fangled tablet thingamabobs, in which case either look where you’re going or just put it down and relax! I’ll still be here when you get back home later. Isn’t that right, young Chelsea left-back Patrick van Aanholt?

whats everyone been up to today…

— Patrick van aanholt (@PvanAanholt_) June 25, 2012

Ever quick to deflect the attention, Patrick! LOL! Well, today I tried bikram yoga for the first time but it went horribly wrong when I split my boxers open attempting a Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Paschimotthanasana, the shock of which caused me to, er, ‘offer’ some of last night’s beef stew to the young lady behind me. Offered it right in her face, poor sod. They had to evacuate the room after about thirty seconds, so at least that stemmed the awkwardness. I knew I shouldn’t have used three kinds of bean. How do you make yours, young Southampton midfielder Jack Cork?

Thanks for everyone who sent me a happy birthday tweet today! thanks for remembering! #cheers

— Jack Cork (@jackcork1) June 25, 2012

What? Are you trying to make me feel bad? I’m sorry, I forgot. Don’t be fooled by my sterling goal-scoring record for my native Guinea – I am human, you know.

That wasn’t meant as a dig to anyone who forgot if it sounded like that. Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who said it

— Jack Cork (@jackcork1) June 25, 2012

Oh, okay. LOLOL!! Belated happy birthday, Jack! I share my birthday with Danny DeVito, Martin Scorsese, Rupaul and one of Hanson. Which celebrities do you share your birthday with, dear readers?

Great finding “@honigstein: This is fantastic. An Englishman’s effort to distract Diamanti didn’t quite work… twitter.com/JanAageFjortof…

— Jan Aage Fjortoft (@JanAageFjortoft) June 25, 2012

LOL!

The woman on Deal or No Deal had an absolute Rooney lol

— Gabriel Zakuani (@Gabs50Zakuani) June 25, 2012

LOLOL!!

@darrenbyfield @leilanidowding lol lol lol lol lol.

— Jordan Stewart (@jordanstewart3) June 25, 2012

LOLOLOL!!!

There’s no chiropodist would want to look at your feet @SanmiOdelusi just hide it plz twitter.com/fmuamba/status…

— fabrice muamba (@fmuamba) June 25, 2012

LOLOLOLOL!!!!

Trodde ikke det var mulig, men klarte meg godt gjennom en hel kveld uten fotball. Go figure!

— Lars Bohinen (@TV2Lars) June 25, 2012

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! See you next week, everyone!