Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: van Persie, Cole, Barton, Dempsey, de Jong, Riise

Neil Warnock

Welcome back, folks! What a season it’s shaping up to be, eh? Already there have been many highs and loads – not least during my Leeds United side’s 3-3 draw with Blackburn Rovers on Saturday – and my heart goes out to the son of former Middlesbrough and Swindon Town striker Jan Aage Fjortoft…

Great day for gooner-son @markusfjortoft.Not a only a van Persie goal can ruin that…#AFC

— Jan Aage Fjortoft (@JanAageFjortoft) September 2, 2012

How about three of the buggers, eh? Now, young Markus wasn’t alone in bearing a grudge – check out the reactions of Arsenal youngster Austin Lipman and much-travelled former Jamaica international Darren Byfield to van Persie’s penalty miss…

Hahaha Van Persie

— Austin Lipman (@Austinlipman) September 2, 2012

Hey RVP hope you’re ready 4 your first hair Dryer treatment from Fergie hahaha you don’t score when u want #Twit

— darrenbyfield (@darrenbyfield) September 2, 2012

It’s fair to say that Robin van Persie is now about as popular with the Gunners faithful as a colonoscopy carried out by tarantulas singing a medley of Celine Dion hits!

Sorry folks, didn’t mean to startle you. Of course, Robin hit back with two late goals to complete a match-winning hat-trick, prompting this expert slice of punditry from Robbie ‘Everywhere’ Savage…

What a header van persie is incredible , told you he was confident

— Robbie Savage (@RobbieSavage8) September 2, 2012

Van Persie’s confident, eh Robbie? Perhaps next week you could let us all know what colour grass is, and whether or not you should stick to promoting betting shops in your swimming trunks.

Sorry again folks, I’ll stop with the disturbing imagery now! Now, how about that transfer deadline day, eh? It was as action-packed as a particularly tense promotion tussle, and every bit as elating or frustrating depending on who you ask. There was a spot of Team US camaraderie…

What’s best way to follow all the transfer hoo ha today?? Pure madness always seems to ensue.Hope my buddy @clint_dempsey ends up happy!

— Stuart Holden (@stuholden) August 31, 2012

As we all know now, Clint’s happy ending was not forthcoming: he signed for Spurs!

Hmmm, seems to have polarised opinion, that one. On the subject of splitting people in two, Nigel de Jong left Manchester City for AC Milan…

It’s official @acmilan #Milanisti #Rossoneri twitter.com/NDJ_Official/s…

— Nigel de Jong (@NDJ_Official) August 31, 2012

What’s official? That you’re a berk?

Thank you, thank you. Another to leave these shores was Queens Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton, who signed for French giants Marseille…

Beats the rain, “excuse moi, café au lait s’il vous plaît?” twitter.com/Joey7Barton/st…

— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) August 31, 2012

Never mind beating the rain – I’m more worried about you beating the waiter should he mess up your order!

Too kind, folks, too kind.

Hopefully, once the ink is dry. I can immerse myself in the culture, learn the language and just play football. That is my dream…

— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) August 31, 2012

Seriously, Joey lad – I give it three months.

No, really, that wasn’t a gag – I give it three months before he’s back in Blighty blaming various Frenchmen on Twitter for using their faces and midriffs to attract his fists.

Je suis maintenant un joueur de l’OM. Quel cadeau d’anniversaire! Ne peut pas attendre pour y aller. #AllezL‘OM

— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) August 31, 2012

Eh, Joey – à bientôt, lad!

Er…yeah. Anyway, Ashley Cole was bitterly disappointed with Chelsea’s Super Cup hammering at the hands of Atletico Madrid…

Wellll that was a lesson, absolute joke no fight, desire, passion, and a big reality check!!!!!! #sorrycfcfans

— Ashley Cole (@TheRealAC3) August 31, 2012

No fight, eh? You should think about giving your Cheryl a role in the side!

Eh? Just because they’re not together any more, doesn’t make the joke any less funny!

Whatever – it had the wife in stitches, y’know. As did my quip in response to this tweet from Fulham’s John Arne Riise…

Welcome to our new number 9, Berbatov.. What a player.. Excited to play with him

— John Arne Riise (@RealJohnARiise3) August 31, 2012

‘Ere, John – what about Kieron Richardson?

So many idiots on here now.. Wow!!!! Makes me laugh though so keep it up;)

— John Arne Riise (@RealJohnARiise3) August 31, 2012

Now look here, John, I don’t appreciate you talking about my audience like that. They may be slow, moody, impatient, ugly and ill-informed, but they’re…er…

Only joking, folks! Neil Warnock loves each and every one of you!

Now bugger off! Aha!

Banter – love it. And, by the looks of it, so does Celtic boss Neil Lennon…

Just bumped into 2 lads outside the door…one was called Lionel the other Ya Ya..seemed nice enough..lol

— Neil Lennon (@OfficialNeil) August 31, 2012

Good one, Neil. If you really wanted to wind folk up, though, you should have chosen someone more believable – someone like…

Would you have Michael Owen back at #LFC now with minimal movement in the markets on the final day!?I would have to say yes!!! #YNWA

— Darren Tyson White (@DarrenTysWhite) August 31, 2012

I think they key phrase here is ‘minimal movement’.

‘Ere, Darren may have been an actor on Sky 1 show Dream Team, but he’s still more of a real footballer than Michael is now!

You really are a bunch of unpredictable lunatics, y’know. I’m getting out of here. See you next time, folks!

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!