Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Southall, Cahill, Savage, Barton, James, Lee

Neil Warnock“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…

…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!

Okay, ladies and gents, settle down. Have we got a show for you this week! We’ve got a Leicester City full-back admitting that he and his teammates are advanced cyborgs…

Well done to the bots! Great performance! Great result time to kick on again #LCFCFAMILY

— Paul konchesky (@konch3) November 17, 2012

…a Manchester City legend ‘milking’ a gag at Per Mertesacker’s expense…

RT “@stephenrmoulton: @frannylee7 compensates for his defending short-comings!”> Agreed, milk turns quicker than him!

— Franny Lee (@FrannyLee7) November 17, 2012

@rodneymarsh10 I’d love to have played against Mertesacker Marshy, milk turns quicker!

— Franny Lee (@FrannyLee7) November 17, 2012

…Peterborough United’s most easily pleased player…

AVB Andre’s Very Bad lol #Nevergetsold

— Gabriel Zakuani (@Gabs50Zakuani) November 17, 2012

…a former Wales midfielder revealing his dream dinner party line-up…

Mickey Thomas,Aidy bothroyd, possibly robbie Williams ,Stephen Bywater ,James phelps

— Robbie Savage (@RobbieSavage8) November 15, 2012

gethin jones,stavros flatly,Chappers , me,Ricky whittle,mark wright , Michael Vaughan, vernon Kay,j Hartson,Kelly smith,max rushden

— Robbie Savage (@RobbieSavage8) November 15, 2012

…an Everton legend struggling to get to grips with tweeting…

Hi mate hope your well

— Neville Southall (@NevilleSouthall) November 17, 2012

@lu1820 Thanks cack at this

— Neville Southall (@NevilleSouthall) November 17, 2012

…not to mention predictive text…

Shocking decision ref decimate pen for deal

— Neville Southall (@NevilleSouthall) November 17, 2012

‘Ere, Nev lad – have you still got your gloves on? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! If you’re looking for a crash course in how to navigate Twitter, you could do worse than consult the medium’s most eminent maniac, Joey Barton…

Just driving home, Ludwig van’s Symphony No.5 on full blast. So apt right now. What a place this is… #allezmarseille

— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) November 17, 2012

‘Ere, Joey lad – is this you?

Joey Barton in a tank
Img: Paul Hermans

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Too kind, folks, too kind. ‘Ere, has anyone been doing Movember? I thought about it, but the missus has me beat hands down.

Thank you, thank you. Speaking of Movember, it seems former England goalkeeper David James is a keen advocate – depending on how you read this appraisal, that is…

“@slackass82: #movember any chance of a RT @jamosfoundation twitter.com/slackass82/sta…”Nice length!

— David James djf (@jamosfoundation) November 14, 2012

‘Ere, Jamo lad – how can you tell when it’s not in the picture? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Bit of smut for you there, folks. ‘Ere, have you seen this lass?

Went to a party as England’s Number 1 last night @thedavidseaman twitter.com/alison5809/sta…

— Alison Range (@alison5809) November 18, 2012

Gotta feel pleased for whoever her fella is – I reckon she’s a keeper!

You like that one eh, ladies and gents? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! It’s how you tell ’em – if you get the timing wrong, you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

Speaking of setting yourself up for a fall, have a look at this tweet from Crystal Palace defender Peter Ramage talking about his teammate Wilfried Zaha…

So Swedish coach has never heard of @yungzaha ? He might jst know who he is after tonight! All the best wor kid! #bleeedin (in wilfs words)

— Peter Ramage (@peterramage83) November 14, 2012

‘Ere, Pete lad – I reckon he’s still none the wiser! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! ‘Ere, how about this shocker of a rumour from former Norway striker Jan Aage Fjortoft?

More bad news for Tottenham:”Bendtner wont rule out a move to Tottenham.”

— Jan Aage Fjortoft (@JanAageFjortoft) November 18, 2012

‘Ere, Jan lad – I’ve asked the mother-in-law, and she won’t rule out signing for Spurs either!

She’s got dementia, dodgy knees and a bad back, but I’ve definitely seen Bendtner miss chances that she’d have put away no problem. Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Thanks folks, too kind. You know, I think up all my jokes myself – I’m not like that Guillem Balague, taking the credit for other people’s work…

The thing am most proud of from the Guardiola biography that comes out on Thursday-sir Alex Ferguson wrote the prologue tinyurl.com/dyjw3ds

— Guillem Balague (@GuillemBalague) November 12, 2012

‘Ere, Guillem lad – that’s like saying you’re proud of Tim Cahill getting Matt Lucas’s autograph!

What a great game to watch at the Emirates. Really enjoyed seeing Arteta play #bigwin twitter.com/Tim_Cahill/sta…

— Tim Cahill (@Tim_Cahill) November 17, 2012

See? We’ve all got our heroes, don’t we ladies and gentlemen? Just ask veteran Stoke City goalie Carlo Nash…

Lionel Ritchie was fantastic tonight! #absolutelegend twitter.com/carlonash1973/…

— Carlo Nash (@carlonash1973) November 11, 2012

‘Ere, Carlo lad – how long did he play for, “All Night Long”?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has he “Still” got it, then?

I can’t move on here, Carlo lad – looks like I’m “Stuck on You”!


Hmmm…once, twice, four times a failure! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! ‘Ere, did you know that Roberto Martinez thinks his Wigan Athletic side is a PlayStation game?

All over at Anfield. 3-0 reflects @lfc‘s 2nd half dominance; @laticsofficial collapsed after playing with control. Suarez & Enrique terrific

— Dominic King (@DominicKing_DM) November 17, 2012

‘Ere, Roberto lad – is it the Y button to play a through ball?

Back in the game! What do I win?

Have the best Mum in the world! :D <3

— Conor Henderson (@Henderson_91) November 14, 2012

Cheers, fella. Where should I pick her up from? Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Speaking of family, I see the Dalglishes had a get together…

Who’s the King of the castle? twitter.com/pauldalglish/s…

— Paul Dalglish (@pauldalglish) November 14, 2012

Careful, Kenny lad – that’s a slippery slope! Speaking of slippery slopes, did you see Michael Owen launching his new career as a Match of the Day pundit?

Owen has football and his horses, he doesn’t need #motd #painful

— Marco Gabbiadini (@marco_ten) November 11, 2012

Painful enough to keep him sidelined for another month, I’d wager!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Hang about, Soccer AM have a question for us…

This week @rocketsocceram wants to know the most embarrassing thing your partner’s ever done. Let us know and he’ll read the best ones.

— SoccerAM (@SoccerAM) November 14, 2012

‘Ere, Soccer AM – I once caught her watching your show!

Dear oh dear oh dear!!!!!

— Rodney Marsh (@RodneyMarsh10) November 18, 2012

Tell me about it, Rodders! ‘Ere, how was the City match?

H-T City 1 Villa 0 : If there was a score less than nil Villa would have it….

— Rodney Marsh (@RodneyMarsh10) November 17, 2012

Don’t say that, Rodders – most of the Villa side are only little ‘uns, you’ll hurt their feelings.


— Gary Gardner (@Gards38) November 17, 2012

See? Now that Lineker, he’s got jokes that all the family can enjoy…

RT @caitlinmoran If I had to decide which was the best tree out there, it would probably have to go to penalties < English oak loses then?

— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) November 12, 2012

‘Ere, Gary lad – did they hit the woodwork?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! See you next week, folk!

What the hell was that??

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!