“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…
…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!
In the queue for a travel card on the london underground + a guy gave me his 1 that he was no longer using…. Thanks fella! #touch
— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) October 25, 2012
‘Ere, Rio lad – was everyone on the train asking you about Roy Hodgson?
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Okay, ladies and gents, settle down. We’ve got quite a show lined up for you this week – we’ve got an out-on-loan Chelsea starlet sleep-tweeting…
Afternoon nap #loveit
— Josh McEachran (@JMcEachran20) October 22, 2012
…a Liverpool youngster time-travelling…
We deserved to win tomorrow. Everybody knows it. Disallowed goal that should been a goal. Good night all. Swansea nxt to think. YNWA
— Daniel Pacheco(@dani37pacheco) October 28, 2012
…another one giving a new meaning to the term ‘Christmas come early’…
— raheem sterling (@sterling31) October 24, 2012
…and even a Tottenham Hotspur prospect speaking unashamedly about the American Psycho-esque narcissistic streak he claims to share with a deceased reggae legend…
Watching Marley and me in the tub
— kenneth Mcevoy (@kennethMcevoy) October 28, 2012
‘Ere, Kenneth lad – get your face out of the bathroom mirror. I thought you were supposed to be the new Gareth Bale, not the new Christian Bale!
Thank you, thank you.
And what’s Bob Marley doing in the bath with you? Is This Love? Or should I not Stir It Up?
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Have you had a good look at his Buffalo Soldier, and if so does it stand up to the right?
Er…I’ve got ones for “Easy Skanking” and “No Woman No Cry” too. Should I not bother?
Okay, on with the show!
That didn’t take long…
— Josh McEachran (@JMcEachran20) October 25, 2012
Quiet, you! Where’s the respect for elders amongst kids these days? They can’t even spell the names of their heroes correctly…
Happy birthday graham Stewart. Always remembered his birthday was same day as mine. Was made up wen I was a kid haha.
— Wayne Rooney (@WayneRooney) October 24, 2012
— Frank Sinclair (@FrankMSinclair) October 24, 2012
‘Ere, Wayne lad – did you mean to name your son Kai, or were you trying to mix Everton blue with Manchester United red and name him after Purple Aki?
Thank you ladies and gents, I were up all night thinking of that one. Trying out some new ‘intellectual’ material, you see – I’ll be on QI yet, just you watch!
Don’t worry, folks – I’ll still be mixing it up with the lowbrow stuff, like what former West Ham United hard man Julian Dicks thinks about prime time telly tripe…
X factor. All 4 judges have no bollocks.
— Julian Dicks (@JULIAN3DICKS) October 28, 2012
Dunno about that, Dicksy lad – have you checked inside Tulisa’s mouth?
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! What about the respective nether regions of Gary Barlow, Louis Walsh and Nicole Scherzinger? Only one way to find out…
— Borja Valero (@bvalero20) October 28, 2012
Nice one, Borja lad! Some frightening imagery wrapped up in all that, though – even more frightening than Sunderland striker Louis Saha in this picture…
— louis saha (@louissaha08) October 25, 2012
‘Ere, Louis lad – I see they’ve finally wrapped you in cotton wool!
Thank you, folks, too kind. Style, eh? Some have it, some don’t. This Swansea City winger reckons he’s a good judge…
Men in Uggs… #EpicFail
— Wayne Routledge (@WayneRoutledge) October 28, 2012
‘Ere, Wayne lad – phrases like ‘epic fail’… #SoddingAnnoying
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! It’s good to have a bit of a laugh given all the serious issues blighting the Premier League at the moment.
Is the Premier League still about football, or just about narratives related to it, a screen on which to project neuroses and prejudice?
— Philippe Auclair (@PhilippeAuclair) October 28, 2012
Er…what he said, folks. Any other philosophers out there?
What has happened to this once beautiful, grey and grizzly land. Britain seems to have gone ‘tits up’ since I left.
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) October 22, 2012
‘Ere, Joey lad – how many people did you punch on your way through the departure lounge?
Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Just kidding, Joey lad – you’re a man after my own heart.
You can’t have it though, even if it did stick in a transfer request after last night’s steak and ale pie supper!
Oh aye, forgot I did that joke during last week’s show. My apologies, folks.
Seminal moment for the game I love.It has given great woes and joys over the course of my life.I will fight for her. Right now, she needs me
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) October 24, 2012
You tell ’em, Joey lad! I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but we’re cut from the same cloth. Have you spoken to Phil about his dive yet?
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) October 28, 2012
It were a cracking dive, too – reminded me of the wife taking a tumble while trying to pick her curlers off the floor!
Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
I apologised after game for my dive got a rollicking off gaffa won’t happen again-end of!!!
— phil neville18 (@fizzer18) October 28, 2012
Alright Phil, I shan’t hold it against you. ‘Ere, you folks seen this?
Brent Hills has urged his squad of England Women’s U23 players to impress at next month’s training camp – bit.ly/SizRsK
— The FA (@FA) October 24, 2012
Low-cut top and a dash of lippy should do the job! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Eh? Are you booing me, ladies and gents?
— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) October 28, 2012
Et tu, Rio? I were only having a laugh. Us old-school comedian types can hit a nerve sometimes but we don’t mean any harm.
You know what, you’re a fickle bunch and all. I wager you’ll be creaming your kecks if I show you Nicklas Bendtner talking about himself in the first person…
3 points, still top of the league.. Strong team performance and a first start for bendtner.. Goals will come, i take my assist;);)
— Nicklas Bendtner (@bendtnerb52) October 28, 2012
…Alexi Lalas cracking wise about £30m Brazilians…
Hulk just hulked in #ZENvAND. Ref says, “there will be no hulking.”
— Alexi Lalas (@AlexiLalas) October 24, 2012
…and Jay Bothroyd taking the formative steps of his new career as a paparazzo…
Just seen Allan from the hangover in meadow hall can’t believe it !!! twitter.com/jaybothroyd/st…
— Jay bothroyd (@jaybothroyd) October 25, 2012
I bloody knew it – back in the game! Well, if there’s one thing I should have done at Sheffield United and QPR, it would be quitting while I was ahead. So that’s precisely what I’ll do now. See you next week, folks!
Seriously, what even is that?