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Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Pennant, Graham, Cleverley, Sordell, Townsend, Boateng

Neil Warnock“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…

…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, settle down. We’ve got quite a show for you this week – we’ve got remarkable feats of Stating the Bleedin’ Obvious…

I can’t believe the score coming from Manchester,well done to spurs but this can’t be good to man u if they want to win the league

— George Boateng(@george1boateng) September 29, 2012

Some people in this world make me laugh!

— Lewis Dunk (@lewisdunk) October 1, 2012

…subtle smackdowns…

“@alexdonghi: @marvinsordell why do you play for england then……” Because i was born and raised in england -_-

— Marvin Sordell (@MarvinSordell) October 1, 2012

…players lying about their age…

Liverpool 21s 3up with 10mins left against fulham. Joe cole, Adam Morgan and an own goal on @lfctv

— Neil Mellor (@NeilMellor33) October 1, 2012

…and even that most testing of male challenges – successfully knocking one out to the golf…

Looking forward to the Ryder cup later house all to myself ??

— jermaine pennant (@j_pennant) September 28, 2012

‘Ere, Jermaine lad – will you be gripping the Claret Jug?

Thank you, thank you. I’d be teeing off myself tonight, but the missus walked in on me last time and now I’ve got the yips!

Sorry, that was below par! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! I’ve got some others you might enjoy, though, starting with my rapier-like response to this tweet from Manchester City legend/villain Franny Lee…

How many times are we going to hear the daft American fans shout “IN THE HOLE!!!!” at the #RyderCup this week!? Too many I imagine!! #plebs

— Franny Lee (@FrannyLee7) September 28, 2012

Eh, Franny lad…

I am trusting my followers not to make any crude references to my last tweet! I know what some of you lot are like!

— Franny Lee (@FrannyLee7) September 28, 2012

Oh. Er…hmmm. Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Let’s talk to the audience – what are you up to, Andros Townsend?

Kiss 100 playin the old skool bangers this afternoon while I’m driving in training! #tunness

— andros townsend(@andros_townsend) September 28, 2012

‘Ere, Andros – you shouldn’t be driving during training, not least an old school banger. What is it, an Audi Q5? A Ford Thunderbird?

Thank you, too kind. Any Arsenal youngsters in the audience got some helpful advice for our Andros?

“Go in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. ” my language

— Chuba Akpom (@Chuba10) September 30, 2012

Remind me, Chuba lad – which country is it that speaks Bullsh*t?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Thanks folks, you’re grand. Well, there’s bound to be some twazzocks amongst you, ladies and gents, but rest assured you will never have as bad a taste in television as Everton starlet Luke Garbutt…

Bagel nash and car wash on the agenda today can’t wait for later ryder cup xfactor and towie #tvgold

— Luke Garbutt (@luke_garbutt) September 30, 2012

‘Ere, Garbutt – if I were you, I’d watch the golf, then drive your telly deep into the woods and leave it there!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Too kind, folks. Tell you what, Chelsea are looking a bit handy this season. They’ve got so many match-winners in their squad – haven’t they, Luke Dobie?

Eden Hazard is a problem.

— Luke Dobie (@LukeJDobie) September 29, 2012

You’re not wrong there, lad – and that Eden Problem is a hazard and all!

Ouch…that always stings. At least I can sleep safe in the knowledge that I’ll never be as pointless as Tim Lovejoy…

Who thinks Spurs are going to win this?

— Tim Lovejoy (@timlovejoy) September 29, 2012

I daresay some people did. I daresay some people didn’t. And I daresay it didn’t make the blindest bit of difference either way.

Who thinks Europe can win #rydercup2012 ?

— Tim Lovejoy (@timlovejoy) September 30, 2012

Eh, Tim – stop demanding total guesses and/or meaningless hunches, and just give us your own utterly worthless opinion on who may or may not win a particular two-sided contest!

What? You’re not all Lovejoy fans, are youse?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! You’re having me on!

Er…yeah. Moving swiftly on, it’s time for this week’s least imaginative footballer…

“@tomclevz23: Thrilled to score my first goal for the club hopefully first of many. Thanx for the messages #mufc” congrats lad 1st of many

— Danny Graham (@DannyGraham10) September 28, 2012

…this week’s least convincing footballer…

Im not sad ….

— mehdi abeid (@reelM_abeid) September 28, 2012

Im really happy at newcastle

— mehdi abeid (@reelM_abeid) September 28, 2012

…and, finally, this week’s best internal rhyming scheme…

Rain again in Spain, watching footy. Bet Down already !

— Peter Reid(@reid6peter) September 29, 2012

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! See you next week, ladies and gents!

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!