Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Luiz, Bendtner, Pienaar, Saha, Pacheco, Ameobi, Jerome

Neil Warnock

Hello again, folks. Are you enjoying the Olympics? Former Swindon Town and Middlesbrough striker Jan Aage Fjortoft’s been keeping a keen eye on developments…

McCartney loves Beckham, yeah, yeah, yeahbit.ly/PZrxJX

— Jan Aage Fjortoft (@JanAageFjortoft) July 25, 2012

I’ve got “No Reply” to that one!

Thank you, thank you. You know, building a whole new stadium for the Olympics seems like a bit of a waste to me. I mean, “Why Don’t We Do It in the Road?”

You’re too kind! Tell you what, I was gutted when Stuart Pearce got the gig managing the Great Britain team. When they sent out the email asking for applicants, I replied saying “Please Please Me”!

Oh, you “Love Me Do”! “P.S. I Love You” too. In fact, you’re such a lovely audience, I’d love to take you home with me.

I’d love to take you home!

Thank you, thank you. To be fair to Pearcey, I thought he selected Cleverley.

Hmm. Quit while you’re ahead, eh? Should have remembered that when I got Sheffield United and Queens Park Rangers promoted.

Oi, you weren’t supposed to laugh at that! I don’t know, I really don’t. At least former Watford, Crystal Palace and Barnsley striker Bruce Dyer’s on good form…

Just got in from church , I’ve had such a blessed day #ThankUJesus#Hat-Trick #LegendsMatch

— Bruce Dyer (@Bruce10Dyer) July 29, 2012

Why are you thanking Jesus, Bruce? Did he supply you with the crosses?

BAM, back onside! That’s showmanship for you, folks. Know your lines inside out – don’t get caught out like West Bromwich Albion defender Steven Reid…

Must be a few scouts impressesd with Racman for UAE (if that’s how u spell it) he looks class.

— STEVEN REID (@stevenreid12) July 29, 2012

I’ve checked and that is indeed how you spell UAE!

Thank you ladies and gents, you’re too kind. You know, I’m really starting to like you lot – but Newcastle United starlet Samuel Ameobi likes you more…

Good win tonight…everyone’s getting fitter! #nufc

— Samuel Ameobi (@Sammy_Ameobi) July 16, 2012

Must be that viagra I slipped into your Lucozade!

Not up for a bit of smut, eh? Come on, it wasn’t that bad. I’ll admit I can be a bit inconsistent though – what do you think, Nile Ranger?

People change like seasons, and so do feelings

— Nile ranger (@NilePowerRanger) July 10, 2012

The wife says I change like seasons, but that’s because I only switch pants every three months!

You like the self-deprecating material, eh?

Well tough, I’ve got my pride, you know. I may be a bit rough around the edges but there’s nowt wrong with a bit of earthy charm, I say. If you want a bit of culture, film recommendations and whatnot, you should ask Welling United striker Kiernan Hughes-Mason – he’s a bit of a film buff. Seen anything good lately, Kiernan?

Oiiiii batman is sick!!!!!!!!

— Kiernan Hughes-Mason (@K_HughesMason) July 29, 2012

Sorry to hear that, give him my regards.

Waheeeey! Seen anything good yourself, Stoke City forward Cameron Jerome?

Family guy in bed #decentbanter

— cameron jerome (@camjerome10) July 31, 2012

Cameron lad, if you’re trying to engage a cartoon in banter than you’ve as much chance of success as your lot have of finishing top half this season!

Er…unless of course you’re exchanging playful put-downs with some bloke in your bed, although I’d question his ‘family guy’ credentials if he’s snuggled up with a Premier League forward.

Okay, let’s leave that one. I can feel the self-doubt creeping in. I’ll tell you who doesn’t lack for confidence though – Arsenal forward Nicklas Bendtner…

Eks? Må have misforstået noget da “personen” solgte jer historien

— Nicklas Bendtner (@bendtnerb52) July 10, 2012

Hurdy gurdy shmurdy bork bork bork!

What, that’s not funny anymore? Come on folks, that one used to raise the roof before the PC brigade had their way!

Fine, fine. Wonder what Louis Saha’s up to now he’s been released by Tottenham Hotspur…

#collateraldamage French-English. Today my son asked me if we gonna put some chicken in the pool(chicken) house. I say no. Then (suite)

— louis saha (@louissaha08) July 29, 2012

Eh Louis, have you ever noticed how the French word for chicken comprises of the two things it does with its arse? Poo, lay!


You know, it’s easy to criticise, but you’re not the one on stage here. I’m working the big time here, you’re just another crowd to me. In other words…

You talk it, I live it.

— Luke J Dobie (@LukeJDobie) July 12, 2012

Funny you should say that, Luke – just the other day I was indeed talking about being a youth team player at Middlesbrough!

Google him, folks. But like I was saying, I work bloody hard up here. You’ve no idea of the hours I put in trying to be a top-class entertainer. It’s a hard slog – isn’t that right, Barnet defender Jack Saville?

There are no shortcuts to any place worth going..

— Jack Saville (@JackSaville) July 10, 2012

Except for…ah, what’s the name of that back alley leading to that whatsitcalled, where the young ladies remove their thingies…

Eh? Why are you laughing? I botched that one all ends up.

Oh, I see, I get it now. You were laughing at ‘back alley’.

And ‘all ends up’.

See, I’m funny without even realising it! It’s good to be back – a sentiment I know Chelsea defender David Luiz can relate to…

Home sweet homeinstagr.am/p/M6FuA7DHfG/

— David Luiz (@DavidLuiz_4) July 10, 2012

You live on a bridge? Or did you wander too far out of the back four again?

Thank you, thank you. Right, any questions?

Any ideas how 2 lose weight in 4 days

— Steven Pienaar (@therealstevenpi) July 10, 2012

Aye, cut those bloody corn rows off!

You’re a funny lot, you know that? Anyway, it’s time to round up this week’s funniest footballers, starting with Peterborough United defender Gabriel Zakuani…

This Mark Wright show is atrocious!!!! I seriously would rather teabag a mouse trap than watch another minute of this garbage….

— Gabriel Zakuani (@Gabs50Zakuani) July 10, 2012

Ha! Ha! Now for Stockport County youngster Jon Nolan…

‘the jeremy kyle show usa’ as if this bellend is trying to crack america! if I was jerry springer I’d send him threatening emails

— Jon Nolan (@jonnolan_92) July 10, 2012

Ha! Ha! Ha! As would we all, Jon. Give us what you’ve got, former Leeds United and England full-back Tony Dorigo…

Wrong flag, an Olympic bus catches fire, traffic chaos and a drug cheat sent home. Can’t wait for the Olympics to actually start.

— Tony Dorigo (@tonydorigo) July 25, 2012

That’s chucklesome, Tony. Now for my own personal turn of phrase of the week, courtesy of Bruce Dyer…

Just arrived at the secret place , 10mins early LOL . Where u @guvnab@lz7 . I am hungry been in jail all day belly is talking in tongues

— Bruce Dyer (@Bruce10Dyer) July 12, 2012

Talking in tongues! We’ve all been there, haven’t we folks? I’ll leave you with this week’s most schizophrenic footballer, Liverpool’s Spanish youngster Daniel Pacheco…

buenos días. Good morning !!!

— Daniel Pacheco(@dani37pacheco) July 31, 2012

That’s yer lot, folks! Goodnight!

Tune in every now and then for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!