Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Dzeko, Defoe, Fletcher, Graham, Barkley, Sharp

Neil Warnock

Hello again, folks! Just getting my Leeds United squad up and running for the new season. I’m told the Supporters’ Trust’s deal to buy the club looks to be back on, and thank goodness for that I say – I’ve been trawling through so much small print on their behalf these last few weeks I feel like a bloody barrister.

Get me a coffee!

— Robbie Simpson (@RobbieSimmo) August 14, 2012

Eh, Oldham Athletic striker Robbie Simpson, I said “barrister”!

Thank you, thank you. Robbie and I have been working on a whole routine together – haven’t we, Robbie? How do you feel about how it’s gone so far?


— Robbie Simpson (@RobbieSimmo) August 13, 2012

Oi, show some bloody appreciation, lad. I turned down Noel Fielding to give you this part.

Noel must be devo! :(

— Robbie Simpson (@RobbieSimmo) August 12, 2012

No, that’s this lot:

Quickly now Robbie, before you go, tell us your favourite band and your favourite onomatopeic word!

Oasis! BOOM

— Robbie Simpson (@RobbieSimmo) August 12, 2012

Robbie Simpson, everybody!

So what have you lot been up to this week?

Me and my daughterthinking were in point break lol.lockerz.com/s/232511424

—Harvey(@Harveyofficial) August 8, 2012

That’s nice, So Solid Crew member and former AFC Wimbledon player Michael Harvey. Which one of you is John Virgo?

Love the Asian vibe.

—Harvey(@Harveyofficial) August 12, 2012

Yes, quite. Glad you enjoyed that, folks – I was all set to hail a taxi. Bit like this bloke…

Just handed in a transfer request just to let the fans know where I am at right now…. #headsgone

— steven fletcher (@stevenfletch10) August 8, 2012

Sorry Steven lad, but you won’t be of much use in a Martin O’Neill side if your head’s gone!

Awful. #NotGoodEnough

— Andrew Little (@AndyLittle29) August 11, 2012

Alright, alright, calm down, Reading forward Andrew Little. Yeesh, hecklers, eh? Guess you can’t please everyone. If you like your comedy a little bit ‘edgier’ then there’s always journeyman striker Leon Knight…

Girls please put some roll on in between ur bum crack. We ain’t trying to see no bum sweat marks out here #listen

— Leon Knight(@LeonKnight82) August 11, 2012

The wife’s been putting some rolls on lately, and I’m not talking about deodorant!

Er…you know, like rolls of fat.

Harrumph. Moving on, I see Tottenham Hotspur and England striker Jermain Defoe has been doing a spot of meeting and greeting…

With the legend… twitter.com/IAmJermainDefo…

— Jermain Defoe (@IAmJermainDefoe) August 11, 2012

Eh, Jermaine – that’s the closest you’ll ever get to FIFA World Player of the Year!

Ah, look who’s back onside! Thank you, thank you. Now check out Swansea City striker Danny Graham’s rather curt response to the following critique…

@p10tcn: @dannygraham10 looking sharp fairplay! Wish u wouldnt stutter for your pens though!”why it works

— Danny Graham (@DannyGraham10) August 11, 2012

J-j-just sm-sm-sm-smack it, l-l-lad!

@joshuaqpr: @dannygraham10 @p10tcn . You’ll look a tool when you miss tho !”won’t happen

— Danny Graham (@DannyGraham10) August 11, 2012

Haven’t got a punchline for this one yet of course but, unlike Queens Park Rangers when they traded me in for that Father Ted-looking Welshman last season, I’m willing to be patient.

Women hate so fast #listen

— Leon Knight(@LeonKnight82) August 12, 2012

Alright Leon lad, this is my time now – get off the stage, the crowd are starting to get restless. Or at least young Everton midfielder Ross Barkley is…

Anyone got any jokes to tell me? Gotta be decent ones…

—Ross Barkley (@RBarkley20) August 13, 2012

Why did the cheese maker walk with a limp?

Because he only had one stilton!

Sorry, got that one off an ice lolly stick.

If your a scouser it’s lolly ice, fact like.

—Ross Barkley (@RBarkley20) August 1, 2012

Yeah, well I’m not a Scouser, am I? Cheek toerag. Anyway, Manchester City centre-forward Edin Dzeko was retweeting all over the shop yesterday – some of them were a little bit disconcerting…

@eddzeko I’ve tweeted you about 500 times in the past 2 days, surely I’m all over your mentions? RT me please?

— Tom’s Bitch OK? (@edinsbitch_x) August 13, 2012

…while others were just plain surreal…

@eddzeko think you should retweet this cos I’m a massive city! And thanks for the goal against QPR!! Please

— Dale Rothwell (@DaleRothwell2) August 13, 2012

Massive city, eh? London? Beijing? Delhi?

You’re too kind folks, too kind! I’ll leave you with this open goal left by Southampton Striker Billy Sharp…

I’ve got a bat in the house what do I do?????

— billy sharp (@billysharp10) August 13, 2012

Play cricket!

Or you could trap it and give it to Portsmouth. I hear they could use a winger.

Ha ha had some funny replies.

— billy sharp (@billysharp10) August 13, 2012

You’re not wrong there, Billy lad. See you next week, folks!

Tune in every Tuesday for Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!