Neil Warnock

Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Dixon, Lineker, Silva, McGrath, Whiteside

Neil Warnock“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…

…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!

Okay, ladies and gents, settle down. We’ve got quite a show for you this week, with former Premier League centre-halfs desperate to get their end away…

I love my wife … She is awesome!Intelligent and cool!

— Spencer Prior (@spencerprior) October 9, 2012

…former Wales centre-forwards on powerful hallucinogens…

Wrexham and Newport County are flying great to see

— Iwan Roberts (@iwanwroberts) October 10, 2012

…Arsenal starlets giving an early hint at problems to come…

The smell of petrol mmmmmm

— Jernade Meade (@Jernade_R_Meade) October 11, 2012

…and even the world’s most boring tweet, ever…

In Manchester city centre doing some shopping

— Reece Wabara (@ReeceWabara) October 11, 2012

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! But even Reece’s tweet was a minefield of useful information compared to this reply from West Ham United co-owner David Gold concerning the club’s contingency plans should the move into the Olympic Stadium fall through…

“@steveheathrow1: @davidgoldwhu if os doesn’t happen david what’s the next step for us?”Remain patient but resolute. dg

— David Gold (@DavidGoldWHU) October 11, 2012

‘Ere, David – have you been writing for The Thick of It?

Thank you, ladies and gents. You know, I sometimes lie awake at night wondering what to do when my gags don’t go down too well with you lot, but then I just remember that it always pays to…

David Gold Remain patient but resolute!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Back to the subject of sportsmen on drugs, I was surprised to see Gary Lineker coming in for questioning on the matter…

RT @11whites: @garylineker did u ever take drugs gary? < No, never, but I do take a lot of sugar in my tea, which is possibly worse.

— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) October 10, 2012

‘Ere, Gary lad – where does ‘daily consumption of crisps’ rank in all of this? Or did all your case studies keel over with heart attacks on their 10th birthdays?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Childhood obesity always raises a chuckle, right folks? Mind you, I’d sooner have a team of fat kids than emulate Preston North End’s recent selection policy…

come on now PNE great chance to go top six in full view of nation,,wont be easy though,,,wounded animals and all that

— Mick Rathbone (@MickRathbone) October 14, 2012

‘Ere, Baz lad – tell Graham Westley our Labrador has a sprained ankle and can play right-back!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! You bunch of softies. I don’t really have a Labrador with a sprained ankle.

But I do have a Brazilian midfielder I’ve been repeatedly forcing to listen to a diabolical Californian pop group.

Good morning all.Preparing to leave home In a few minutes for another session of train. God Bless us all

— GilbertoSilva 3 (@GilbertoSilva15) October 9, 2012

What’s that, ladies and gents? You like Train?

Eh? How could you possibly be fans of Train? They bring about as much to the table as this Q&A with Paul McGrath…

“@markmccullagh84: @paulmcgrath5 do you rate Wayne Rooney?”yes and very highly.

— Paul McGrath(@Paulmcgrath5) October 8, 2012

…or this update from Reece Wabara…

In Manchester city centre doing some shopping

— Reece Wabara (@ReeceWabara) October 11, 2012

…or this stated plan of action from David Gold…

David Gold Remain patient but resolute!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! You love the recurring references stuff, don’t you folks? I’m telling you, I taught that Russell Howard all he knows – and I bet he didn’t even know that Heston Blumenthal is an old mate of Lee Dixon’s…

Off to Heston s for lunch. I wonder what he is going to conjure up!

—Lee Dixon (@LeeDixon2) October 14, 2012

…or that, not only is there such a thing as an Icelandic lobster party, but that you might find Norman Whiteside and Lionel Messi at one…

Great night last night. Now looking forward to Icelandic lobster party, oh and some Vino. Could get Messi :)

— Norman Whiteside (@NormanWhiteside) October 14, 2012

Thanks folks, too kind. Now, to…eh look, ladies and gents – Gary’s back, and he’s brought back-up!

RT @realaled: With @garylineker twitter.com/realaled/statu… < Good to see you

— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) October 11, 2012

Alright, Aled Jones lad! You know, Gary, you might say…

@garylineker @realaled He’s walking on your eaaaaaaaars.

— Chris Askew (@slightly76) October 11, 2012

Oi, that was my line!

You lot, stop laughing!

Er…yeah. I’ll just be off, then – some of us have Championship clubs to manage, you know.

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! See you next week, folks!

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!