Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Cuellar, Rossi, Ranger, Le Tissier, Barnes, Hammann

Neil Warnock“Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for a man who needs no introduction – unless you haven’t heard of him, in which case he’s an old-school stand-up comedian who manages Leeds United in his spare time – it’s…

…Neil Warnock, and his Comedy Corner!”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Has everyone washed behind their ears? I know I haven’t!

Okay, ladies and gents, settle down. We’ve got quite a show lined up for you this week – we’ve got a Manchester City defender in bad need of new representation…

Update on Micah – his agent said he had an op this afternoon, but we understand he has not yet had an op, and is seeing specialist tonight

— Stuart Brennan (@StuBrennanMEN) October 29, 2012

…a dire warning from a Bolton Wanderers youngster concerning a certain Chelsea winger’s effect on society…


— Sanmi Odelusi (@SanmiOdelusi) October 31, 2012

…the world’s most delayed flatulence…

After 2h 30m in line, i finally got gas. Why do I feel so excited!!!

— GIUSEPPE ROSSI (@GiuseppeRossi22) November 3, 2012

…and even the gayest tweet ever…

Nothing better than walking into your changing room at football, seeing ur team mates, smelling deep heat & getting ready 4 90 mins of fun!!

— Mark Wright (@MarkWright_) November 3, 2012

Oh, hang about, we have another contender…

Thanx for all replies and discussions with Blackburn Rovers fans today. Say hello to Tim Flowers. The best kisser ever at your club!#brfc

— Jan Aage Fjortoft (@JanAageFjortoft) October 31, 2012

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! How was your Halloween, ladies and gentlemen?

Happy Halloween ???? twitter.com/Cuellar24/stat…

— Carlos Cuellar (@Cuellar24) October 31, 2012

‘Ere, Carlos lad – maybe you should change your name to Cuell-AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Thank you, thank you. Tell you what, folks, I spent Halloween wondering where the wife had gone, at least until the neighbours told me she was on her way round to Manchester City youngster Reece Wabara’s gaff. Is this true, Reece?

Now for a horror in bed to match the occasion! #haloween goodnight

— Reece Wabara (@ReeceWabara) October 31, 2012

‘Ere, Reece lad – that’s not fair on Halloween, that!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Too kind, folks! But not as kind as this fan rushing to console one of his out-of-favour heroes…

@nilepowerranger don’t worry you and demba ba are my starting 2 on fifa

— Tom Surgenor (@_Surge) October 29, 2012

What do you reckon to that, Nile lad?

Don’t judge me

— Nile ranger (@NilePowerRanger) October 29, 2012

‘Ere, Nile lad – is that what you said in court after assaulting those coppers?

Thank you, ladies and gents. Thank you. ‘Ere, did you know Tottenham Hotspur right-back Kyle Naughton lives in a train station?

Home sweet home twitter.com/Knaughts88/sta…

— Kyle naughton (@Knaughts88) November 3, 2012

Or that former Swansea City defender Izzy Iriekpen is now a relationship therapist?

Ok Ladies. Am going to tell u a secret about guys. 1 voice mail message is as effective as 5,6,7.

— Izzy Iriekpen (@Izzyiriekpen) October 29, 2012

‘Ere, Izzy lad – tell that to the wife!

Er…I thought you lot liked it when I made fun of the wife. Never mind. Tell you what, Reidy’s a man after my own heart…

“@daveyboycog1878: @reid6peter who was the heaviest drinker 4 everton in the 80s peter ?”team game Davey

— Peter Reid(@reid6peter) November 5, 2012

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! See?

“@joshounslow: @reid6peter did you manage Thailand just for the Thai brides?”I beg your pardon.

— Peter Reid(@reid6peter) November 3, 2012

Oh, well, maybe not then. Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Here’s another man whose style I like…

Who is leaving the x factor this week I don’t give a toss but @lunahamann thinks Rylans time is up any thoughts?

— Didi Hamann (@DietmarHamann) November 3, 2012

You’d never guess he’d spent time in Liverpool, Newcastle and Manchester, eh? Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Anybody tried that CD where a guy reads a story and its meant to calm dogs down when fireworks are on …thought it was rubbish myself

— Didi Hamann (@DietmarHamann) November 3, 2012

Aye, Didi lad. Doesn’t work though, the missus still ran a mile!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Back in the game! Tell you what, folks, some of them ex-pros have been on fire this week – not literally of course…

RT @nramsell: @garylineker You’re a credit to Leicester Gary, but….you’re not Richard III. < No, but I did one on the pitch once.

— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) October 29, 2012

Nice one, Gary lad! Let’s have another look at that one…

Tell you what, folks – or should I say “Italia what, folks”! – nyuk nyuk nyuk! – erm…sorry, I’ve forgotten the punchline.

Oh well, could be worse – I could be daft enough not to understand a Rodney Marsh joke, like this fella…

@rodneymarsh10 neutral being the key word!

— louis fleming (@bluenoselouis) November 3, 2012

…or dangerously unhinged, like this Watford youngster…

Van Persie = Snakes On A Plane!!

— Bernard Mensah (@Mensah_10) November 3, 2012

…or subjected to the kind of burn that came John Barnes’s way…

@officialbarnesy It would make my day to get a rt from an #lfc & #nufc legend. But as Barry venison isn’t on Twitter can you do the honours?

— The Mad Tw*tter-er (@madtwatterer) November 4, 2012

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Tell you what, ladies and gents, there’s only one way to deal with the trolls – and that’s the Matt Le Tissier way…

“@fatboylesg: my grumpy old man,said best footie commentary I’ve heard for years, and he dislikes all commentators! #highpraiseindeed”:-)

— Matt Le Tissier (@mattletiss7) November 4, 2012

“@drs_engineering:anyone tell why @mattletiss7 is commentating on #supersunday ? talks more about himself than the game . #JustSaying”:-(

— Matt Le Tissier (@mattletiss7) November 4, 2012

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! See you next week, folks!

Honestly, what’s wrong with you lot?

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!