Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Cole, Ferdinand, Simpson, Danns, Wood, Davies

Neil Warnock
Hello again, folks! Is it just me or is everyone an expert on swimming and the javelin all of a sudden? Not that there’s anything wrong with trying something new – far from it. Just ask West Ham United centre-forward Carlton Cole…

When i 1st came to the club, i chose my place on the team bus & never sat anywhere else since. the problem is that it is nxt to the toilet.

— Carlton Cole (@CarltonCole1) August 4, 2012

Now now Carlton, that’s not a nice way to refer to Kevin Nolan.

It’s okay folks, Nolan’s not reading this.

Is he?

i think I’m gonna opt for a change this season. i will choose my new seat even though it may upset a few team mates. they’ll get over it.

— Carlton Cole (@CarltonCole1) August 4, 2012

You know who could take your place? Loo-dek Miklosko!

Thank you, thank you. I had a few others lined up too: Daniel Potts, Pee Demel and Winston Weed!

I’ve really got to learn when to stop. Queens Park Rangers defender Anton Ferdinand – how did you bounce back from the embarrassment of this?

Jus giving @hoganephraim & @alefaurlin a music lesson! Straight trigga trey!!

— Anton Ferdinand (@anton_ferdinand) August 6, 2012

That’s nice, Anton. Recorder? Violin? What grades are they on?

Cheers, lads and ladies. It’s how you tell ’em! You know who could really use a music lesson? Yep, you guessed it: Newcastle United full-back Danny Simpson…

Feels good 2 be driving, shock iv got chris brown on again singing away 2 it

— Danny Simpson (@dannysimpson) August 6, 2012

Chris Brown? He’s the one who released that smash hit, isn’t he? Hear he does a bit of music on the side!

What? You like Chris Brown? Or you don’t approve of wife-beating jokes?

You could be a bit more helpful, you know. Like this fella…

U wouldnt though RT @connorbailey87: @dannysimpson He’s fucking shit , I’d rather stick pins in my eyes

— Danny Simpson (@dannysimpson) August 6, 2012

Aye, nothing gets past you, Danny lad. But was Rio Ferdinand making an intentional funny when he came out with this?

RT @chrismason85: #CardiffCity made some decent signings. Hope to push promotion. not happy with the red kit» came out of the blue that 1!

— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) August 6, 2012

Yep. Good one, wasn’t it? If he meant it! I have my doubts. Rio lad, drop me a line at Neil, Leeds United, P/O Box Leeds – I might have a gig for you.

Some sad news now: it seems that bronze-winning Irish boxer Katie Taylor passed away midway through Leicester City midfielder Neil Danns’s tweet to former Crystal Palace, Norwich City and Coventry City forward Leon McKenzie …

@leonmckenzie1 gave it her all bro, katie taylor is a phenomenom tho she really was

— neil danns (@dannzy1) August 6, 2012

Talk about a sudden adjustment – that’s like a newsreader putting a black tie on while announcing that a member of the royal family has just died!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you really are an odd lot. Still not as odd as young West Bromwich Albion striker Chris Wood, mind…

I named my iPod ‘Titanic’, plugged it into the computer, “Titanic is syncing”, pressed cancel, felt like a hero.

— Chris Wood (@officialcwood) August 6, 2012

Alright, steady on folks – it’s not a Woody original! Finally, I give you this week’s Footballer Who Should Probably Never Go to Thailand…

Just watched a whole round of boxing before realising it was 2 women #HandOverFace there were some strong shots from #TeamGB girl

— Curtis Davies (@thecurtisdavies) August 6, 2012

That’s yer lot, folks! Arriveder-see ya!