Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Puyol, Pique, McGrath, Bendtner, Holden, Lalas

Neil Warnock

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Morning, folks! Have you all washed behind your ears? I know I haven’t.

It’s been another exciting week of football, albeit some have been getting more worked up than others…

RT @lord_sugar: @garylineker polish your crystal ball < rubbing frantically

— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) September 11, 2012

…it’s still early in the season, when everyone’s still dreaming…

Personally, I hope it comes with flying capabilities and an app to make me better than Messi #iPhone5

— Stuart Holden (@stuholden) September 12, 2012

…while others got so carried away they took to cross-dressing…

Hoy estreno nueva máscara… Nada q ver con la otra

— Carles Puyol(@Carles5puyol) September 12, 2012

‘Ere, Carles lad – slap some lippy on as well and I’d have to say I’ve had worse!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Sorry folks, not the nicest imagery, I’ll grant you – just trying to freshen up my act a bit as a few of you have been writing in to complain about my “rampant stereotyping”, to quote one of you. Well, I’m all about self-improvement, me, so rest assured I’ll not be doing any more stereotyping from now on.

@normanwhiteside ask them can u swop the plate of oysters for an extra 3 pints of Guinness.

— Paul McGrath(@Paulmcgrath5) September 12, 2012

After all, I won’t need to as long as I’ve got retired Irish footballers to do it for me!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Go on lads, let’s have another…

@normanwhiteside in case you didnt know.. It is september .

— Paul McGrath(@Paulmcgrath5) September 16, 2012

Always nice when a player tees you up for an open goal. Get on this one, folks…

Feeling free

— Nicklas Bendtner (@bendtnerb52) September 12, 2012

‘Ere, Nicklas – that’s because that’s how much you’re worth!

Thank you, thank you. I’ve been plying my trade for donkey’s years, from a young age. Not as young as Bruce Dyer’s lad, mind…

It’s was my 2 year olds debut at BFC 2day haaaaa

— Bruce Dyer (@Bruce10Dyer) September 15, 2012

‘Ere, Brucey – how did he play?

Impressive, eh? I reckon the little ‘un deserves rewarding for progress like that, and what better way to combine gift-giving with motivation than with one of these babies?

Taking a drink from my new @tonydorigo mug! Perfect gift from my wife! twitter.com/badhabitmusic/…

— Bad Habit (@badhabitmusic) September 12, 2012

That’s lush that is, lad. Give me an hour or two and I’ll post some snaps of my Brian Deane pencil case, David Batty biscuit tin and John Lukic ironing board!

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Too kind, folks, too kind! That’s some original comedy for you, that is – I don’t just crib catchphrases off adverts like former Chelsea defender Frank Sinclair does…

@jordanstewart3 yh u know this go for the banta init simples!!

— Frank Sinclair (@FrankMSinclair) September 6, 2012

Still scoring own goals I see, Frank! How’s the acid trip going, former US international Alexi Lalas?

Andrea Pirlo’s feathered wings are particularly glorious today. #GENvJUV

— Alexi Lalas (@AlexiLalas) September 16, 2012

Er…right. Things are getting weird now – I’d wonder if Alexi had spiked my Bovril, but I know when I’m tripping because for some reason I always see Spurs players in golf buggies.

With @moussadembele #relaxinstagr.am/p/PmiJdiM7xd/

— Jan Vertonghen (@Jan_Vertonghen) September 15, 2012

Cripes! You saw that too, right? I don’t know what’s real any more.

In studio Abu dhabi. Here we go. twitter.com/reid6peter/sta…

— Peter Reid(@reid6peter) September 12, 2012

‘Ere, Peter – which one’s you?

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Now the LSD’s really starting to kick in, I’ll leave you with this week’s most effeminate footballer…

In touch with my feminine side #SaySomething@ Brick Lane | ????? ??? instagr.am/p/Poc0-uN7rD/

— Zak Ansah (@ZakAnsah) September 16, 2012

‘Ere, Zak lad – it’s in yer jeans!

Thank you folks, too kind. Oh, and here’s this week’s worst score prediction…

Score predications >> @official_cpfcV @cafcofficial. Always a good battle

— Bruce Dyer (@Bruce10Dyer) September 14, 2012

…and, finally, this week’s most curt reply, courtesy of former Manchester City player and chairman Franny Lee…

RT”@mp9899: @frannylee7 are you twelve?” > No.

— Franny Lee (@FrannyLee7) September 16, 2012

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! See you next week, folks!

Tune in every Tuesday for more Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner!