Neil Warnock’s Comedy Corner: Barton, Bendtner, Routledge, Walker, Reid, Wood

Neil Warnock

The football’s back in full swing, folks, and I’m in a glorious mood this morning having seen my mighty Leeds United side dismantle Oxford United 3-0 in what was a glorious League Cup night at Elland Road. Absolutely nothing could bring me down, not even Joey Barton’s shockingly blatant attempt to brown nose his way back into favour at Queens Park Rangers…

Good luck to QPR tonight. #biggame Another game off the old ban 3 down 9 to go… @tonyfernandes

— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) August 28, 2012

Bloomin’ heck, Joey lad – I got about halfway through reading that before a barbershop quartet knocked on our door with a muffin basket! You’re so far up Tony’s jacksie there it’s not so much PR as PU!

Sorry folks, I know that’s not the nicest image to be getting underway with. Let’s turn our attentions to revitalised Swansea City winger Wayne Routledge, who appears to have an exclusive for us…

Want to know who’s joining Messi on the #FIFA13 cover? Tune in to the@easportsfifa Facebook page at 6pm to find outfacebook.com/easportsfifa

— Wayne Routledge (@WayneRoutledge) August 20, 2012

Is it you, Wayne?

Thank you, thank you – I were up all night thinking of that one, y’know! Now what’s something else you’d stay up all night for, other than comedic brainstorming? That’s right, folks – music festivals! Take it away, Tottenham Hotspur and England right-back Kyle Walker…

Had a great day yesterday at the V festival and meet some really nice fans hope u all had a great time.

— Kyle Walker (@kyle28walker) August 20, 2012

Kyle wasn’t actually meant to be there, folks – he just strayed too far out of position again!

Thank you, you’re too kind…except for that fella I see leaving early! Where do you think you’re going, former Manchester City and Sunderland manager Peter Reid?

Going home to watch the blues, an afternoon with my mum lovely.

— Peter Reid(@reid6peter) August 20, 2012

Your mum’s called Lovely? That’s a pretty weird name!

Come on folks, I weren’t cussing the old girl! I were just riffing on Reidy’s delivery.

Okay, fine, mums are off limits. Have it your way.

Er…yeah. How about other family members?

A bit of father son bonding today!! Little trip around Banks Brewery #DayOut

— Chris Wood (@officialcwood) August 20, 2012

‘Ere, West Bromwich Albion starlet Chris Wood, I hope you’re referring to you and your own father!

‘Cause, you know, you shouldn’t really be taking your nippers to a brewery, an’ that.

Okay, hands up, it just weren’t very funny. It were killing the wife in bed this morning, though, I’m telling thee. What’s been killing you, out-of-favour Arsenal forward Nicklas Bendtner?

M25 is killing me

— Nicklas Bendtner (@bendtnerb52) August 20, 2012

How’s that for road rage, eh?

Bam, back on side! I’ll leave you with a couple of Celebrity Big Brother-related tweets courtesy of West Brom utility man Steven Reid…

Julian Clary… Ouccchhhh hahahaha!! Can’t say that!!

— STEVEN REID (@stevenreid12) August 22, 2012

The joke I thought of after reading the beginning of that tweet…well, it was also followed immediately by the thought “can’t say that!” You can insert your own punchline, as it were.

What’s the number to vote Brian Dowling off #CBB ???

— STEVEN REID (@stevenreid12) August 22, 2012

It’s 0800 WATCH SOMETHING ELSE U NINNY! Have a good one, folks!