This week, Jonny Forumer takes on Paul Hayward, David Jones, Neil Custis, Phil McNulty, Ian Abrahams, Ian Darke, Tom Dart and Matt Law…

Allow me to introduce myself – I’m Jonny Forumer, Internet Hard Man, and I’ve just about had it up to here with football writers on twitter tweeting absolute twaddle. I’m sure to always give the bone-idle blerts a piece of my mind, which has proved instrumental in my retention of the Keyboard Warrior world title from 1998 through to the present day. Basically, you’d have to be a sodding lunatic to take me on.

In the mean time, yelp with affright as I lay siege to the following journalists…

Paul Hayward, Chief Sports Writer at The Daily Telegraph

If there’s hope for Arsenal it’s that Chelsea surrendered a 2-0 lead against Southampton in mid-week and were out-played after the break.

— Paul Hayward (@_PaulHayward) January 20, 2013

Really, Paul? You can remember a whole FOUR DAYS back in time? Do we attribute this astounding insight to photographic memory or meticulous research? Or perhaps you consider your audience to be comprised largely of people who, at any given time, had never watched or even heard of a football match before?

Four days, Paul? That’s incredible.

You total berk.

David Jones, Sky Sports presenter

Southampton have to score here.

— DAVID JONES (@DavidJonesSky) January 21, 2013

Oh look, another genius. Yes David, Southampton had to score – that, after all, is the WHOLE POINT OF ASSOCIATION FOOTBALL.

You blithering pilchard.

Neil Custis, The S*n

Why r u all comparing him to Hart this season, the standard is a MU goalkeeper and he’s not good enough for me

— Neil Custis (@ncustisTheSun) January 21, 2013

Why r u resorting to text speak when you’re a professional journalist? Oh, that’s right, you write for The S*n – yes, that should grant you just about enough authority to declare a player “not good enough for me” when they are evidently good enough to be selected regularly by the most successful manager in history.

Couldn’t you find a picture of yourself where you don’t look on the verge of tears? Crack a smile!

You tremendous twazzock.

Phil McNulty, Chief football writer, BBC Sport website

Spurs have not made any move for Crystal Palace’s Wilfried Zaha as yet – so interesting to see where this hot property ends up.

— Phil McNulty (@philmcnulty) January 8, 2013

Has the possibility of him remaining at Crystal Palace for at least the next few months even registered with you people? Can a talented youngster at a Championship club be given two flipping seconds these days before twonks like you are pimping him hither and thither like the slavering dogs that you are? You’re at the BBC – maybe you could pull some strings and get a one-off programme commissioned titled What Next For Wilfried Zaha?, like that one about Wayne Rooney that came out after Euro 2004 while he was still at Everton.

Are you really so desperate for things to write about? Hmm?

Tosser.

Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT

My Prem XI to face FIFA XI: 4-3-3; Hart, Walker, Kompany, Terry, A Cole; Silva Gerrard, Lampard; Bale, RVP & Drogba

— Ian Abrahams (@BroadcastMoose) January 8, 2013

Real brains trust today, isn’t it? You are aware, Ian, that Didier Drogba no longer ‘plies his trade’ in the Premier League? And that Gerrard and Lampard have played together about a million times under a million different England managers and never even come close to looking like forging an understanding?

As for your selection of Kyle Walker at right-back – well, I can only assume that either you’ve not watched any football at all this season, or that you have dog sick for brains.

Yes. Dog sick for brains. That’s you, that is.

Ian Darke, ESPN commentator

Rodgers must be tempted to use Sturridge at half time

— Ian Darke (@IanDarkeESPN) January 13, 2013

I dare say so, seeing as he’d just paid £12m for him.

You total biohazard.

Jonathan Northcroft

If Jose had any sense of humour he’d take the Dortmund job.

— Jonathan Northcroft (@JNorthcroft) January 16, 2013

Good one! All they have to do now is sack Jürgen Klopp, who’s got them sitting pretty in 3rd.

Auf wiedersehen Kloppy, eh?

Klipp Klopp, Klipp Klopp!

Er…you cretinous creep.

Ian Abrahams, talkSPORT

Martin Olsson is said to want to leave Ewood Park this month, so I’d reckon a transfer does seem likely eventually

— Ian Abrahams (@BroadcastMoose) January 17, 2013

Heavens be praised, it’s the wit and wisdom of Ian Abrahams!

While you are technically correct in your assertion that a player expressing his desire to leave a club will likely result in a transfer “eventually”, this doesn’t stop you from being – quite resoundingly, I might add – a queg.

Tom Dart, former Times staff sportswriter

Why the Suarez fuss? These days it would be more noteworthy if a top player claimed that he DIDN’T sometimes try to manipulate the ref

— Tom Dart (@Tom_Dart) January 17, 2013

No it wouldn’t be.

Next.

Matt Law, Sunday Mirror

Gibbsinho

— Matt Law (@Matt_Law_SM) January 6, 2013

Player scores cracking volley, cue some total spoon tacking the suffix ‘-inho’ clumsily onto his surname, as if he’s the only person to have ever done so and is therefore worthy of all the adulation you can muster.

Do you laugh when people shout things like “should have gone to Specsavers” at the referee? I bet you do.

You complete and utter pissfart.

Now sod off, the lot of you.

Tune in every Thursday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jonny Forumer, Internet Hard Man!