Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
Robert Snodgrass
The Norwich City winger was watching the League Cup final…
Bradford team of the tournament entertained us all and Swansea where just far too good on the day fair play to both teams #CapitalOneCup
— Robert snodgrass (@robsnodgrass7) February 24, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… You’re lucky to have been blessed with a knack for silky wing play, Robert, because if you can’t distinguish between the past indicative ‘were’ and the adverb/conjunction/noun ‘where’ then I wouldn’t much fancy your chances in most other walks of life.
Incidentally, should you seek from Google a definition of the word ‘where’, you shall be presented with the following example sentence in which it is deployed as an adjective:
“I see where the hotel has changed hands again.”
It is a rare occasion that yours truly is rendered speechless, I tell you. A rare occasion indeed.
FAO whosoever penned the abomination above: see me.
Chris Samba
The Queens Park Rangers defender was also watching the League Cup final…
I’m really shock Nathan dyer never tookthat
— Samba Christopher (@cs4christsamba1) February 24, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… …whereas I, Christopher, am shocked by your inability – or, arguably more shockingly, reluctance – to use a past participle where and when it is required.
I accept that English is not your native tongue, but you are sufficiently remunerated to be privy to the very best that private tuition has to offer. As I am currently out of favour at Stoke City, may I be so bold as to offer my services? My rates are most reasonable, I assure you.
Either way, see me.
Adam Morgan
The Liverpool youngster was another to have been watching the match in question…
@robbie9fowler I agree but to score a wembley hatrick would of been special.
— adam morgan (@AMorgan94) February 24, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… It would have been special if you’d used the correct auxiliary verb, Adam.
Furthermore, there are two t’s in ‘hattrick’ or ‘hat-trick’, howsoever you choose to write it. Personally speaking, I would accept either.
Sam Kelly
The Everton youngster…yes, you guessed it…
Should of let him complete the hat-trick.. Poor from him.
— Sk (@SamKelly39) February 24, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Please listen to everything I say in future, rather than zone in and out.
Adam Matthews
The Celtic right-back yadda yadda yadda…
Swansea have been to good today!
— Adam Matthews (@Adam2Matthews) February 24, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… “Swansea have been to good as Bradford have been to bad”: is that what you meant to write? If not, then I regret to inform you, young Adam, that you have been made to look foolish by perhaps the most basic homonym there is.
It would be too bad if you had to stay behind for two hours’ detention on Friday, not to make too fine a point of it.
Stan Collymore
The talkSPORT presenter was asking questions before the game…
Can Bradford deny Swansea space between MF/DF lines?Can Bradford get offensive set pieces regularly?Can Swansea deal with favouritism?
— Stan Collymore (@StanCollymore) February 24, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Please look up the word ‘favouritism’, Stanley.
For all that you ‘talk sport’ these days, know that I will always be on hand to correct it!
Nolberto Solano
The former Newcastle United midfielder had been painting the town red…
Great night out in Toon last night. Sunday night crakin night, plenty of luaghs !!
— Nolberto Solano (@NolbertoSolano) February 18, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Were you by any chance out with your erstwhile Newcastle United teammate Lomana LuaLua? Or has his (admittedly fabulous) surname distorted your perception of how to spell the word ‘laugh’?
It was noted on the most recent episode of the Match of the Day 2 televisual strand that you, Nolberto, are the most substituted player of the Premier League era. If I had a spare pupil waiting outside, I should be beckoning him over right now with a circular rotation of my index fingers.
John Aldridge
The former Liverpool striker was looking out for his other old sides…
Just waiting for Oxford to get a clean sweep of my ex clubs come on!!Tranmere upNewport. UpSociadad won
— John Aldridge (@Realaldo474) February 23, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… You were at Real Sociedad for two years and you didn’t learn how to spell their name correctly?
For shame, John.
Izzy Iriekpen
The former Swansea City defender was deep in thought…
Why does Batman and Superman always show Mercy to Joker and Luther? For Them to Get Back out and kill again and again!
— Izzy Iriekpen (@Izzyiriekpen) February 22, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… My question is this: why do Batman and Superman constitute a singularity in your mind? If they fought crime together and named their holding company Batman and Superman, you would be correct – this is however not the case, and you must therefore be subjected to my own inimitable brand of justice: namely, two hours’ detention after school on Friday!
Grammar aside, you raise a good point. Perhaps we may discuss it on Friday.
David Davis
The Wolverhampton Wanderers youngster was thrown by the lack of a Saturday fixture…
Feels wierd mo game ona sat
— David Davis (@DavidDavis91) February 23, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… See me.
Now I must take my leave, for Mr Pulis appears to remain nonplussed by my attempts at reconciliation. A nice pair of cufflinks should do the trick, I’ll wager. Class dismissed!