Jermaine Pedant

Jermaine Pedant’s School of Grammar: Shelvey, Ameobi, McAteer, Dicks, Branston

Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Jonjo Shelvey

The Liverpool midfielder was pointing the finger…

@shelveyj @g_shelvey @hanmcarthy you’ve took me bro away haha

— Jonjo Shelvey (@shelveyJ) March 20, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says…Without knowing where your brother has been taken or what lies behind your apparent lack of concern, I can tell you that the present perfect tense dictates that you should have written “you’ve taken me (sic) bro away”. That may strike as a somewhat ungainly correction, but it’s a small price to pay for having slipped another present perfect construction in there. See if you can spot it.

Regardless of your academic shortcomings, Jonjo, I sincerely hope that your brother is returned unharmed.

Jason McAteer

The former Republic of Ireland midfielder missed the crucial moment…

Didn’t see all of crimewatch to be fair. But we’re the Venkys on it ??

— Jason MCATEER (@MCATEER4) March 20, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Are we, Jason? I don’t recall participating, personally. Perhaps you’re referring to yourself and your fellow McAteers? In which case, I’d be asking some serious questions of the casting director, because I’ve seen the Venkys and you’re not exactly a doppelganger for any of them.

Yes, Jason: your erroneous apostrophe has enabled me to run riot with a corrective form of sarcasm that I like to call “s-aaahhh!-casm”. I trust that this shall soon take off within the broader academic arena.

Ryan Bennett

The Norwich City defender was taking on a champion darts player…

Me playing phil Taylor! What e ledge guy aswell twitter.com/ryanbennett_22…

— Ryan Bennett (@ryanbennett_22) March 19, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Is ‘e really a ledge guy? What does that even mean? Does he like to stand on ledges? If so, is he harbouring suicidal tendencies? Perhaps you should be trying to engage him in a full and frank conversation about his feelings rather than challenging him to a game of darts. Just a thought.

S-aaahhh!-casm: it’s the future of education.

@davidfox1983 my wrong shame we got to be manakins on training again tor otherwise of be ok that table!

— Ryan Bennett (@ryanbennett_22) March 19, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… In all seriousness, now: come and see me after the lesson.

Don’t try to pass off a cunningly attired mannequin as yourself, as I shan’t fall for such a ruse. Not again.

Guy Branston

The Plymouth Argyle had a late-arriving return journey…

Still got a hour before I get home it’s 3-20am.. Nutsbut would change it after the win yest !!

— Guy Branston (@Brano1979) March 20, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Would or wouldn’t? Since you’re not at liberty to change the past, I’d venture to suggest that harbouring a strong desire to do so may leave you in a bit of a pickle. Chortle!

Frivolity aside, stay behind for an hour after school on Friday as punishment for botching an indefinite article, and a further hour for missing this morning’s registration.

Louis Dennis

The Dagenham and Redbridge forward was expressing his disinclination for working out in public…

You Will Never Catch Me In A Public Gym.. Most Cringiest Place Ever

— Louis Dennis (@LDennis11) March 20, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Not half as cringe-worthy as your inability to formulate the ‘correct’ superlative of an adjective that isn’t even officially recognised.

“Epic fail” does not translate well into Latin, but if it did then rest assured you’d now be learning it for yourself.

Julian Dicks

The former West Ham United and Liverpool left-back was fielding a question about his career…

“@mikefletch27: @julian3dicks Evening, what was your favourite game that you played in Dicksy?”.There’s been to many to pick 1

— Julian Dicks (@JULIAN3DICKS) March 23, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Of course you’ve been to many, Julian – after all, you did play in them.

If it’s not too much to ask, could everybody please learn the difference between the two words to and too in time for next week’s lesson?

Star Pupil: Sammy Ameobi

The Middlesbrough forward, on loan from Newcastle United, was correcting a teammate from back home…

“@sammy_ameobi: Crying at White Chicks lol”Christmas must of come early this year cause you were 1st on my Christmas list!!

— Robert Elliot (@the_dilsh) March 24, 2013

@the_dilsh hahaha that parts just come up and it’s ‘Santa must’ve come early’

— Samuel Ameobi (@Sammy_Ameobi) March 24, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… You should have written “that part’s just come up”, and Robert actually referred to Christmas coming early rather than Santa, but well done nevertheless for going out of your way to help your friend’s education along. Have a house point!

Now I must take my leave, for I have a CV to dust off and fax over to every Football League club bar Stoke City and Wolverhampton Wanderers. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!