Jermaine Pedant

Jermaine Pedant’s School of Grammar: Samba, Le Tissier, Hamann, Reid, Ameobi, Gabbiadini

Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Samuel Ameobi

The Newcastle United forward was taking a spoof literally…

He’s either a comical genius or a fool…can you imagine? #zlaritable twitter.com/Sammy_Ameobi/s…

— Samuel Ameobi (@Sammy_Ameobi) February 6, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Quite aside from being taken in by someone’s idea of a joke – and you must come and see me after the lesson to discuss that further – you appear to have neglected the subtle distinction between ‘comic’ and ‘comical’ that renders one either intentionally or unintentionally funny.

Any inference that Ibrahimovic was been being unintentionally funny might have been legitimate if the ability to make people laugh without design constituted any kind of genius – I would contest, however, that it does not, and I therefore believe that you wished to present the possibility of Ibrahimovic being a comic genius.

In case any of you were wondering, we are doing away with semi-colons on Football Burp and replacing them with hyphens on account of their being easier to spot. Full colons shall be retained and deployed where applicable: in front of a list or an explanation preceded by a clause that can stand by itself.

Steven Reid

The West Bromwich Albion defender was commending the medium…

Fountain of knowledge #twitter

— STEVEN REID (@stevenreid12) February 7, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… This is a bone of some contention, Steven. Whereas my esteemed colleague Morten Gamst Pedantsen insists that one should refer to a ‘fount’ or ‘font’ of knowledge, I am wont to draw his attention to the following quote from An Essay Concerning Human Understanding by the philosopher John Locke, published in 1690:

Reason is natural revelation, whereby the eternal father of light, and fountain of all knowledge, communicates to mankind that portion of truth which he has laid within the reach of their natural facilities.

It is also claimed that God was referred to as “the fountain of all goodness” in a 14th century book and that the 16th century Book of Common Prayer contains a reference to “Almighty God, the fountain of all wisdom”, but alas I have neither of these books to hand so I am in no position to confirm.

Fascinating, nonetheless.

Christopher Samba

The Queens Park Rangers defender was listening to some music…

Got some rickross on in the background while I go though some tweets

— Samba Christopher (@cs4christsamba1) February 7, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Popular music may not be my forte, Christopher, but even I know that ‘Rick Ross’ is split into a distinct forename and surname rather than being the compound you clearly interpret it to be. Don’t let the monosyllabic alliteration fool you into thinking of it as just a fun-sounding word!

On a serious note, I was glad to hear that Mr Ross survived his recent drive-by shooting and I wish him all the very best for the next one.

Dietmar Hamann

The former Germany midfielder was responding to match-fixing allegations in a European game involving his former club Liverpool…

The news about that Debrecen game are older than Richard III

— Didi Hamann (@DietmarHamann) February 5, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I am loathe to hammer you for this one, Dietmar, as it would appear to be perfectly logical – especially to one for whom English is not a native tongue – for the seemingly plural ‘news’ to be followed by ‘are’.

However, ‘news’ is a singular entity that just so happens to end with an ‘s’, and therefore you should have written “the news…is older”.

Furthermore, the Liverpool v Deberecen match was played in 2009 while Richard III died in 1485: therefore, the aforementioned news cannot possibly be older than the erstwhile monarch.

Ravel Morrison

The Birmingham City midfielder, on loan from West Ham United, was quoting lyrics from a pop song by Miguel…

even when the sky comes falling even when the sun don’t shine I got faith in you & I

— ravel (@morrisonravel) February 10, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… That should be “even when the sun doesn’t shine”.

If Miguel jumped off a cliff, would you follow suit?

Samuel Ricketts

The Bolton Wanderers full-back was watching a physio sleep…

Sorry that should of read @sports_therapy7 catching a few Zzzzzz’s!!!! Long day for him getting us fit for the match!! twitter.com/s_ricketts18/s…

— Samuel Ricketts (@s_ricketts18) February 6, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… …whereas “should of read” should have read “should have read”. Chortle!

Frivolity aside, see me.

Zak Ansah

The Arsenal youngster was congratulating Ashley Cole on his hundredth England cap…

Ashley cole should be proud! What a achievement #madebyArsenal

— Zak Ansah (@ZakAnsah) February 6, 2013


Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… See, Zak? There was Ashley winning his hundredth England cap, and you can’t even deploy an indefinite article correctly.

See me.

Marco Gabbiadini

The former Sunderland, Derby County and Northampton Town striker was inviting odds…

I have 37 minutes to strip this wall before the Rugby What’s my chances? twitter.com/marco_ten/stat…

— Marco Gabbiadini (@marco_ten) February 10, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Well Marco, your evident uncertainty of when to use the plural hardly inspires confidence. Unlike Dietmar, you have no excuses here.

If I say “see me”, what are the chances that you’d actually turn up?

Furthermore, the sport rugby is not capitalised. Doing so renders it Rugby, the town in Warwickshire.

Matt Le Tissier

The former Southampton midfielder was bemoaning a non-existent phenomenon…

Why does the clock go so slow in the final minutes of a match when youre winning!!

— Matt Le Tissier (@mattletiss7) February 9, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… It doesn’t.

Do I really need to explain it again?

“@stevo291983:I wonder what the sky sports EXPERT anaylists think of mark atkins sacking now ?”Is he any relation to nigel adkins?

— Matt Le Tissier (@mattletiss7) February 9, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I daresay you’ve redeemed yourself there, Matthew. Have a house point!

Star Pupil: Zac Thompson

The Bury midfielder, on loan from Leeds United, was presumably referring to Theo Walcott’s pace…

Walcott beep beep

— Zac Thompson (@ZacThompson23) February 6, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… There I was, young Zac, about to condemn you for not writing “meep meep” until I came across the following excerpt from – and I kid you not – the Wikipedia entry for the sound ‘beep beep’:

It is commonly associated with the Road Runner cartoon in the Looney Tunes cartoons featuring the speedy-yet-flightless bird and his constant pursuer, Wile E. Coyote. “Beep, Beep” is the name of a 1952 Warner Brothers cartoon in the Merrie Melodies series.

Chuck Jones, the creator of the Road Runner, has stated that this sound, the only way the Road Runner can harm the Coyote, was inspired by hearing a Doppler-like effect as background artist Paul Julian imitated a car horn when he could not see where he was going. Julian voiced the various recordings of the phrase used throughout the Road Runner cartoons, although on-screen he was uncredited for his work. Although commonly quoted as “meep meep”, Warner Brothers, the current owner of all trademarks relating to the duo, lists “beep, beep” as the Road Runner’s sound, along with “meep, meep.” According to cartoon historian Michael Barrier, Julian’s preferred spelling of the sound effect was “hmeep hmeep”.

In comic books, the Road Runner’s actual name was “Beep Beep”.[citation needed] In the Simpsons episode “Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie”, Homer Simpson meets a character – not Julian – who says she recorded the sound of the Road Runner. She comments, “They paid me for one beep, then they doubled it up on the soundtrack.”

I left the unbolded sections in as I deem them to make for good extracurricular reading. Anyway, congratulations on besting me, Zac: have two house points!

Now I must take my leave, for there appears to be much work to do if I’m to get so much as a look-in from Tony Pulis. I don’t know what his problem is – I made him a cup of tea on no less than three separate occasions last week and still nothing.

Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!