Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
Lukas Podolski
The Arsenal forward is back…
Fully recovered from my injury, back on track ready to help the team soon, aiming the 3 points #GoArsenal
— Lukas-Podolski.com(@Podolski10) March 16, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… In which direction are you aiming the three points, Lukas? Do you have a particular target in mind?
What are these three points, anyway? Are they darts? Have you taken to archery, perchance?
Remember, class: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate. As for you, Lukas, you should be aiming for a higher standard of discourse. Please see me after the lesson so that we may discuss suitable corrective procedures.
Ray Parlour
The former Arsenal midfielder was commenting on the Premier League relegation battle…
Wigan winning makes the Bottom 3 very Tight. Handball for there winner thou.
— Ray Parlour (@RealRomfordPele) March 17, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… May I ask, Ray, why you saw fit to capitalise the words ‘bottom’ and ‘tight’? Or why you chose to end your tweet with an archaic form of the word ‘you’?
They’re not the only mistakes in there, either: can you guess what I’m referring to?
If you’re struggling with this one, ask your classmates for their opinions on the matter.
Hmm?
Noel Hunt
The Reading striker was enjoying a St Patrick’s Day tipple…
“@ughsam_: Wonder if @boyhunt has hit the booze yet?” Do leprechaun’s have pots of gold!!!!!! Hahahahaha #jokes
— Noel Hunt (@boyhunt) March 17, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Should your rhetorical question have ended with a question mark, and not had an apostrophe in ‘leprechauns’ in order to illustrate that you’re referring to all leprechauns, as opposed to just one in the possessive form?
I should say so.
Robert Snodgrass
The Norwich City winger was praising his teammates for their showing in the 1-1 draw at Sunderland…
Boys where class today going down to 10 men and team performance got us a well earned point !!! Decisions change games
— Robert snodgrass (@robsnodgrass7) March 17, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… One must strive uphold the highest standards in all walks of life, Robert – as such, your battling on-pitch performance is somewhat tarnished by your inability, upon reflecting on it, to distinguish between ‘were’ and ‘where’.
Please write out one hundred times: “Where were you when Mr Pedant was teaching the class all about homophones?”
Sebastien Bassong
The Norwich City defender, on the other hand, was ruing two points dropped…
Nothing was going for us today!wrong decisions taken against us!the 3 points were there to be taken!anyway that football! #ontothenextone
— Sebastien bassong (@BassongOfficiel) March 17, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… That football, eh? Tch! *Rolls eyes*
That’s merely an alternative take on what you may have been trying to convey with “that football”, but then again I don’t think I’ve ever come across a footballer who talks like that.
See me.
Ryan Bennett
The Norwich City defender could scarcely believe what he was seeing…
Unbelievable seems there jeff!
— Ryan Bennett (@ryanbennett_22) March 17, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… It’s scenes. Good grief.
Three months’ detention.
Joey Barton
The Olympique de Marseille midfielder was backing Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand on his withdrawal from Roy Hodgson’s latest England squad…
Can’t blame @rioferdy5 really can you? If they had treated you and your family like that, would you do them any favours? #Wouldntofthoughtso
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) March 18, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Your concerted efforts to portray yourself as something of an intellectual are rather undermined, Joseph, by your lingering inability to correctly formulate the conditional perfect.
Are you happy to accept your fate as a second-rate grammatist? I wouldn’t have thought you would be, Joseph, so get practising!*
(* The exclamation mark is there to convey a command, rather than any good humour on my part.)
Clinton Morrison
The Colchester United forward was also reflecting on an away point…
@robbiesimmo bury away hard one we should of won last night but Would of took a point at start of game
— Clinton Morrison (@morrisonclinton) March 13, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… See me.
Star Pupil: Jack Marriott
The Ipswich Town youngster was laying down the law…
When people spell definitely like defiantly…#facepalm
— Jack Marriott (@jackmarriott94) March 17, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Have a house point!*
(* This time the exclamation mark is there to convey good humour on my part.)
Now I must take my leave, for Stoke City have declined to offer me a new contract on account of my unyielding quest for academic excellence. Now to find a club who’ll take the baggage. Class dismissed!