Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Queens Park Rangers defender was celebrating his side’s crucial 2-1 win at Southampton…
Big win well needed and well deserve
— Samba Christopher (@cs4christsamba1) March 2, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Congratulations on obtaining the all-important three points, Christopher, but I’m disappointed in your continued failure to use a past participle where required (deserved). We spoke about it last week, and I should take a dim view of having to discuss it again.
Most confounding of all is the fact that you deployed a past participle correctly with ‘needed’ a mere two words prior. Why the inconsistency, Christopher?
The Norwich City midfielder was endorsing Darren Huckerby’s rallying cry…
@hucks6dh6 very well said!
— Elliott Bennett (@Ebenno88) March 2, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Not very well written, though – ‘to’ and ‘too’ are as basic as it gets with regards homonyms, so failure to properly distinguish between the two (there’s another one) should not be met with plaudits, regardless of Darren’s sentiments.
Without wanting to make too fine a point of it, please bear in mind the difference between the two. There you go, a simple mnemonic.
The Newcastle United goalkeeper was thanking the travelling Toon Army faithful…
Gutted about the result was unlicky!! Thanks for all the support again you was brilliant!! #nufc
— Robert Elliot (@the_dilsh) March 2, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… …whereas you were not quite so brilliant while composing that tweet, Robert.
Urban Dictionary defines ‘dilsh’ as “one who is without knowledge of their own existence and has absolutely no clue about life in any way; dumbass”, and I daresay this might explain the presence in your tweet of ‘unlicky (sic)’.
The Huddersfield Town forward had a spot of road rage…
Women divers!!!!! #shocking
— Danny ward (@19_ward_90) February 27, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Amusing typo, Danny, and since comedic one-liners are not my forte I shall open this one up to the peanut galleries.
Would any wags out there care to share their punchlines?
The Everton defender was answering a fan’s question as to his non-presence in the match day squad…
— Shane Duffy (@ShaneDuffy34) March 2, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Who is Just Wernt, and why was he picking the team?
Chortle! I suppose I do have the odd zinger up my sleeve after all. Frivolity aside, the above conversation should read as follows:
Daniel: “Why weren’t you in the squad? Are you injured?”
Shane: “No, mate. I just wasn’t picked.”
You must both stay behind after school on Friday for two hours’ detention. Perhaps then you may take a more considered approach to your discourse.
The former Liverpool, Bolton Wanderers and Tranmere Rovers midfielder was laying into someone or other…
you must of upset him pal. Plus he’s got half a million followers plus your a blue an your wallpapers mingin !@mcoady84
— Jason MCATEER (@MCATEER4) February 25, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… I…you…now, look…*sigh*
The former Norwich City and Leicester City centre forward was playfully boasting…
— Iwan Roberts (@iwanwroberts) February 26, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… So celebrated is the world of celebrity that I’m quite amazed by your inability to spell it.
I never thought I’d say this, but perhaps you should watch more television.
The Liverpool youngster was tweeting after his side’s League Cup exit at the hands of Swansea City…
Two things that could easily lead to the fans venting there frustration towards him.. #RocketScience
— jody morris (@morriskid) March 1, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Distinguishing between ‘their’ and ‘there’ #NotRocketScience
They’re different words, just to throw another homonym in there, and their differences must be respected. There you go, another mnemonic for you.
The Stockport County midfielder was envying his friends…
— Jon Nolan (@jonnolan_92) March 1, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Their girlfriends are probably there because they’re…hmm, need I even finish this one?
The former Daily Express editor was on Merseyside…
— Rob Shepherd (@robshepherd5) March 2, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Your first sentence shouldn’t end with a question mark, whereas your second one should.
Nevertheless, here is a recipe for Scouse stew: please try it this weekend and file a report on its merits, or lack of, in my pigeonhole before next week’s lesson.
The Bolton Wanderers striker was watching television…
Jeremy Kyle is to funny hahaha
— Princy (@Craig28Davies) February 26, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… “Jeremy Kyle is to funny as Mumford & Sons are to original”: is that the sort of construction you were going for, but were too amused to finish?
For your sake I should hope so, otherwise you’ll be spending two hours of your Friday evening learning about – yes, you guessed it – basic homonyms.
The West Bromwich Albion defender was also watching television…
Cringing at johnathon ross
— James Hurst (@hursty43) March 2, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… It’s spelt Jonathan, but well done for having the intelligence to see through his endless procession of knob gags, if indeed that is what you were referring to.
Now I must take my leave, for defeat at home to West Ham – though regrettable – paves the way for my return to Tony Pulis’s first team plans. At least that’s the way I see it.