Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Ghana forward was reflecting on his side’s inability to hold onto a 2-0 lead against DR Congo in the Africa Cup of Nations…
— ASAMOAH GYAN (@ASAMOAH_GYAN) January 20, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Well said, Asamoah, but in the spirit of correcting mistakes I ought to take a firm stance on your decision to divide the above missive into two separate sentences when it really needn’t have been.
This is a fine line in nitpicking, I grant you, but as a big fish in the UAE pond you are sufficiently remunerated to be privy to the very finest tutelage that academia has to offer. Iron out those flaws, Asamoah!
The Wigan Athletic midfielder was asking for movie suggestions…
anyone recommend any good older films to watch as sen most new ones?
— james mcarthur (@jamesmcarthur16) January 20, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… I have a film for you, James: it’s called How Not to Spell the Word ‘Seen’, starring James McArthur.
Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.
The Sunderland midfielder was recommending Stan Collymore’s piece about a Manchester City starlet who fell by the wayside…
Just read @stancollymore piece on Michael Johnson great article have a look its in the mirror!
— DM (@DavidMeyler) January 20, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… First off, its (sic) in this instance is a contraction of ‘it is’ and therefore should contain an apostrophe. Deploying it without such punctuation renders it the possessive, which would make little sense here, I’m sure you’ll agree.
Furthermore, as a publication, the Mirror constitutes a pronoun and therefore must be capitalised so as to differentiate it from its looking glass namesake.
That is of course unless you were indeed referring to an actual mirror, perhaps as a melancholic metaphor for your own fears of not fulfilling your rich potential. If that is the case then I would at once offer my apologies and encourage you to work on cultivating a more positive mindset.
The Aberdeen goalkeeper was also moved by Johnson’s plight…
Morning tweeps, I don’t normally read papers but I had to have a look at michael johnson ex man city midfielderssad story #lofelessons
— Jason Brown (@greathover32) January 20, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… See me.
The Tottenham Hotspur right-back was spying on a fellow motorist…
That funny moment u drive next to some1 and there singing with there eyes closed going for it…then they look right hahahha #morningdriving
— Kyle Walker (@kyle28walker) January 16, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… This is indeed amusing, young Kyle, but I should extract yet greater mirth by replaying the incident from the perspective of your counterpart, happily singing away in his car before looking right to see he was being observed by England international footballer Kyle Walker. Chortle!
More to the point, please read up on the differences between there, their and they’re.
The former Norwich City and Coventry City forward was commending a Barcelona legend on his choice of new employer…
Pep Guardiola to Bayern, fair play to him, could’ve easily taken bigger money at other clubs but stuck by his morales #TopCoach
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) January 16, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… As a professional footballer it is only natural that one should deal in the concept of morale more so than the moral, but now you’ve hung up your boots this distinction takes on a greater importance.
Do the right thing, Darren: consult a dictionary.
The former Charlton Athletic defender was condemning a celebrity…
I think Katie Price miss understands the concept and principals of marriage.
— Matt Fry (@M_Fry90) January 17, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… I’ve been tying my mind in knots trying to conjure up a fitting punchline for this tremendously apt spelling error, but suffice it to say comedy does not come as naturally to me as dazzling wing play or the intricacies of our mother tongue.
Perhaps, as a published author, Katie could set you straight herself.
The former Barnsley, Watford and Crystal Palace forward was struck by the fervour with which Gary Neville was criticising Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea for his role in Spurs’ last-gasp equaliser…
Gary Nev is VEX !! He is proper gutted . I agree with him keeper should of punched it further .
— Bruce Dyer (@Bruce10Dyer) January 20, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Vexed. Should have.
Star Pupil: Graham Gartland
The Shamrock Rovers defender was also commenting on the Red Devils’ draw at Tottenham…
Think Fergie is top notch but can’t agree with him that Spurs just lumped it into the box.. A bit disingenuous there I think #fairresult
— Graham Gartland (@Garts6) January 20, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Excellent use of ‘disingenuous’, Graham! Your English football counterparts could certainly learn a thing or two from your apparent willingness to engage with top drawer vocabulary.
Now I must take my leave, for I have much hard graft ahead of me if I am to reassert my first team credentials at the Britannia Stadium. Class dismissed!