Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Swansea City defender struck a wager with his teammate Michu…
— Ashley Williams (@AshWills84) April 16, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Michu is unlikely to pay out your winnings in ‘pasates’, Ashley, since they do not exist.
I refer of course to Ashley’s erroneous spelling and am fully aware that both the rural town of Villamayor de Santiago and the small Galician fishing town of Mugardos recently reintroduced the peseta, as it is to be correctly spelt. There’s no need to write in.
The Cardiff City striker was lamenting the state of his outfit…
My club suit has defiantly seen better days! Haha
— Fraizer Campbell (@FraizerCampbell) April 17, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Congratulations on your promotion to the Premier League, Fraizer; however, I’m definitely going to require an explanation as to how a suit may be ‘defiant’.
You wouldn’t catch Gary Lineker’s son George making a mistake like that.
Italian league has defiantly got some match fixing going on dont worry about.
— George Lineker (@GeorgeLineker) April 21, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… My mistake.
The Manchester United defender was on hand with a fact…
#RioFact Bulgaria was the only football team in the 1994 World Cup in which all 11 players’ last names ended with the letters ‘ov’.
— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) April 15, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… That isn’t even remotely surprising, Rio. May I inquire as to how many teams you thought there might have been whose names all ended ‘-ov’?
I appreciate that this is not a matter of grammar, but as I like to say: pedantry waters all of life’s fields.
The Liverpool youngster was playing a game on his smartphone, or Facebook perhaps…
Candy crush is to stress full !!
— brad smith (@bradsmith_94) April 16, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… Candy Crush is to stressful as ? is to ?.
Please complete this sentence.
The AFC Wimbledon striker, on loan from Crawley Town, was issuing a rallying cry…
Its In are HANDS #AFCWIMBLEDON come on you DONS
— Gary alexander (@gazalex29) April 16, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… That should be it’s, since it is not the possessive but a contraction of ‘it is’. ‘In’ should not be capitalised in this instances. That should be ‘our’, not ‘are’. ‘Hands’ is not an acronym.
From now on, please try to avoid getting a whole clause’s worth of words wrong.
The ex-Chelsea, Crystal Palace and Southampton centre forward was extolling the virtues of specifically timed excretions…
Morning poo’s are brilliant !!
— Neil Shipperley (@neilshipperley) April 18, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… They may very well be, but there shouldn’t be an apostrophe in poos.
Unless of course you’d been eating them. Chortle!
Frivolity aside, see me.
The former Norwich City forward was anticipating Saturday’s crucial 2-0 win over some fellow strugglers…
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) April 19, 2013
Jermaine Pedant says… We’re running out of time, so I shall spare you the ignominy of a lecture and simply show you how that should have read:
Fans, what are your thoughts on tomorrow’s crucial game vs Reading?
Please write out that sentence four hundred times.
Now I must take my leave, for prospective employers remain unforthcoming. To make matters worse, Tony Pulis has told me to stay away from training on account of the demoralising properties inherent in my incessant pedantry. I’d like to assure all concerned that I never meant any harm, merely wished to set an example.