Jermaine Pedant

Jermaine Pedant’s School of Grammar: Boateng, Shaw, McAteer, Deeney, Flanagan, Roberts

Jermaine PedantFootball Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Kevin-Prince Boateng

The AC Milan midfielder was asking you about your day ahead…

Good morning tweeps!!on my way to training,what are you’re plans today??

— Kevin-Prince Boateng (@KPBofficial) March 10, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Good morning, Kevin. Thank you for asking after me – this morning, I’m in a classroom using your tweet as an example of how easy it is to fall foul of basic homonyms. Your professional career may be going well, my dear boy, but your failure to glean that “you’re” is a contraction of “you are” – therefore rendering your question “what are you are plans today?” – ultimately disappoints me.

Nevertheless, let’s see what your followers had to say…

@kpbofficial chill with the kids.

— Patrik Isaksson (@patrikisaksson) March 10, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… That’s nice, Patrik.

@kpbofficial please followback me

— Umay Shahab (@Umaykeren) March 10, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Kevin ain’t no followback girl. Chortle! I heard one of my year six class singing that.

Frivolity aside, see me.

Jon Flanagan

The Liverpool youngster was congratulating a team mate…

Big game today for the reds! What a achievement for cara 500th game today. #Legend

— jon flanagan (@jon_flan93) March 10, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Cara who? Delevingne? Dillon? Do you see the problem here?

That’s before we even begin to talk about the botched indefinite article of “a (sic) achievement”. Very disappointing stuff all round, young Jonathan.

Iwan Roberts

The former Norwich City and Leicester City centre forward was responding to a friend who’d just met Pharrell Williams…

“@tomolivermann: Just met Pharrell Williams!!!!! twitter.com/tomolivermann/…”He is to cool for school.did he give you any BBC gear?!

— Iwan Roberts (@iwanwroberts) March 9, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… May I ask, Iwan, on what grounds you deem it necessary that Pharrell cool for school? Did he throw a tantrum, or was he perhaps set on fire with a Bunsen burner? What sort of temperature must he lower to in order that he may be permitted back into school?

Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its purpose is to educate.

Alternatively, here’s a simple mnemonic: when it comes to ‘to’ and ‘too’, is it too much to ask that you differentiate between the two?

That’s a Pedant original, I’ll have you know.

Luke Shaw

The Southampton left-back was about to be examined…

“@eliasaouichaoui: @luke_shaw3 Don’t go there ”I got a exam there tomorrow

— Luke Shaw (@Luke_shaw3) March 5, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… An exam.

Cor pretty much Hateing on it sadly I got an English exam there tomorrow :(

— Luke Shaw (@Luke_shaw3) March 5, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Hating.

Yes I ment hating , stupid spell check changed it

— Luke Shaw (@Luke_shaw3) March 5, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Meant.

I have to say, Luke, I don’t much fancy your chances.

Jason McAteer

The former Republic of Ireland midfielder was commenting on Nani’s red card…

I’m not sticking up for him or united. Think Madrid would of scored 1 maybe 2. But just thought yellow was adequate -common sense ?

— Jason MCATEER (@MCATEER4) March 5, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Adequacy and common sense are but two of the qualities that would have seen you construct that missive correctly, Jason.

You’ve been something of a regular on these pages ever since your recent arrival on Twitter – pull your socks up, generally!

Troy Deeney

The Watford striker felt privileged at having captained the Hornets…

Very humbled to be give the armband tonight #promotionpush

— Troy Deeney (@T_Deeney) March 5, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Gone are the days, it would seem, when the captaincy was reserved for whosoever was most adept at formulating the past participle.

I would have given my right arm to be captain at any of my clubs, albeit the resultant imbalance might have affected my on-pitch performance.

Reece Wabara

The Blackpool full-back, on loan from Manchester City, had a Mother’s Day…

Happy Mother’s Day to those who dedicate most of there life and make huge sacrifices in order to raise there child to the best they can :)

— Reece Wabara (@ReeceWabara) March 10, 2013

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… There I was about to credit you for the correct apostrophe placement in Mother’s Day – ‘correct’ as in ‘official’, that is, because it could equally be the plural-inferring Mothers’ Day or the more thematically represented Mothers Day – but then you had to spoil it all by doing something stupid like using ‘there’ when you should have used ‘their’. Twice, in fact.

See me.

Now I must take my leave, for the pursuit of knowledge is a relentless mistress. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!