Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
Noel Hunt
The Reading striker was condemning the striker (in a different sense) of Sheffield Wednesday goalkeeper Chris Kirkland…
The guy that pushed Kirkland in the face got 4 months in jail I would of giving him 4 years the muppet!!! What a joke!!!
— Noel hunt (@boyhunt) October 22, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… While I laud your deployment of ‘that’ as a conjunction rather than the all too frequently used ‘what’, it would have given you little trouble to have properly researched your second clause/sentence, whichever you were intending.
See me.
I think me and a few of them boys are going to do Movember this year!! What Ye think!? I look like a idiot but it is for charity!!
— Noel hunt (@boyhunt) October 28, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Botching an indefinite article will always leave one prone to looking like an idiot, Noel.
Please take more care with this in the future.
Michael Owen
The Stoke City striker was weighing in on the diving debate…
If you get touched and go down but could of stayed on your feet, is that a dive? If so, neither were fouls.
— michael owen (@themichaelowen) October 28, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… If only you could have paid attention while I was talking to Noel…
Wes Foderingham
The Swindon Town goalkeeper was playing a popular video game…
Jus flicked on call of duty!!
— Wes Foderingham (@wes_foderingham) October 24, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… What kind of jus? A red wine jus? Why were you flicking it?
Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.
Darren Huckerby
The former Norwich City forward was questioning the predominant themes of the PFA’s latest tome…
Just received latest PFA magazine in the post,shame its full of expensive Cars,watches,houses etc,surely wrong message to send young Pro’s!
— Darren Huckerby (@hucks6dh6) October 24, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… While I agree with the sentiment, it would be a dereliction of duty not to point out the unnecessary apostrophe hung albatross-like around the collective neck of your young pros…
…or is it unnecessary? Pro is of course an informally used contraction of ‘professional’, and therefore Darren’s apostrophe may be construed as being in place of the missing ‘-fessional’.
Either way, it shouldn’t be capitalised, so the pedantry pat-down is a fruitful one.
Geoff Thomas
The Crystal Palace legend was openly asking his followers who they would like to see as the Eagles’ manager following Dougie Freedman’s departure to Bolton Wanderers…
Well I was wrong. Dougie Has gone. #cpfc. Who’s next for the hot seat. SC always gets a mention. Who else do you fancy.
— Geoff Thomas (@GeoffThomasGTF) October 25, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with this missive?
That’s right, class: two of the sentences should end in question marks. See me, Geoff.
Fabrice Muamba
The recently retired Bolton Wanderers and England U21 midfielder was subjected to the indomitability of mothers…
Just got an evening lecture from mum. Lesson learn.
— fabrice muamba (@fmuamba) October 28, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I’m glad that you learned a lesson at her behest, Fabrice, and now I trust that you shall learn one at mine:
Take care with past participles!
In case any of you are wondering, I isolated that command as an emphasis device.
Glen Johnson
The sidelined Liverpool right-back was assessing Phil Neville’s dive..
Worst dive ever…. Looked like someone tide his laces together while he weren’t looking haha
— Glen Johnson (@glen_johnson) October 28, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I harbour an alternative theory:
Someone tied his laces together while he wasn’t looking.
Chortle! I’m sorry, I’ll stop doing it now.
Haha didnt realise Twitter was full of English teachers and everythin had 2 b wrote the correct way haha #jokers
— Glen Johnson (@glen_johnson) October 28, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… That is indeed the state of affairs, Glenn, although I would prefer that everything be written the correct way.
Nile Ranger
The Newcastle United youngster had the following advice…
Know’ Who Your Around!
— Nile ranger (@NilePowerRanger) October 28, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Caution: the following correction shall be stylised in the form of a popular Simpsons catchphrase.
Weirdest. Apostrophe. Placement. Ever.
No, that’s not a repeat of the construction used twice previously, for it wasn’t preceded by a colon.
Oh, and you’re wrong with your use of your instead of you’re, Nile.
Stéphane Mbia
The Queens Park Rangers midfielder was in London. And you?
J’Suis a londre.Et vous?
— Stéphane Mbia (@StephaneMbia) October 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Vous avez tort, Stéphane; Vous êtes à Londres! Oui, je vous surveille, même en français.
I’ve switched to semi-colons in order to represent the equal pull between colon and comma inherent in keeping the message all to one line. The emphasis concomitant with moving on to a new line tips the balance in colon’s favour.
My star pupils this week are Match of the Day anchorman Gary Lineker and Lancaster City player/joint manager Neil Wainwright…
Gary Lineker
RT @willjohnhemming: @garylineker @ianwright0 wright wright wright u will be in ore of him gary! <I know, in every element, he rocks!
— Gary Lineker (@GaryLineker) October 24, 2012
At once a correction and not just one but two puns: bravo, Gary!
Neil Wainwright
Why can’t people spell nowadays? It shouldn’t annoy me but if people are spelling imagine as ‘imagian’ and awesome as ‘orsam’ then I give up
— Neil Wainwright (@wainy11) October 25, 2012
I echo the sentiment as far as the giving up, for my endeavours to eradicate such flagrant disregard for the mother tongue is redoubled even by the thought of anyone anywhere actually writing your listed examples.
Now I must take my leave, for life at Molyneux remains in its embryonic stages for me. Class dismissed!