Jermaine Pedant: Muamba, Owen, Hunt, Lineker, Foderingham, Thomas

Jermaine Pedant

Jermaine PedantFootball Burp‘s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.

Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…

Noel Hunt

The Reading striker was condemning the striker (in a different sense) of Sheffield Wednesday goalkeeper Chris Kirkland

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… While I laud your deployment of ‘that’ as a conjunction rather than the all too frequently used ‘what’, it would have given you little trouble to have properly researched your second clause/sentence, whichever you were intending.

See me.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Botching an indefinite article will always leave one prone to looking like an idiot, Noel.

Please take more care with this in the future.

Michael Owen

The Stoke City striker was weighing in on the diving debate…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… If only you could have paid attention while I was talking to Noel…

Wes Foderingham

The Swindon Town goalkeeper was playing a popular video game…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… What kind of jus? A red wine jus? Why were you flicking it?

Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.

Darren Huckerby

The former Norwich City forward was questioning the predominant themes of the PFA’s latest tome…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… While I agree with the sentiment, it would be a dereliction of duty not to point out the unnecessary apostrophe hung albatross-like around the collective neck of your young pros

…or is it unnecessary? Pro is of course an informally used contraction of ‘professional’, and therefore Darren’s apostrophe may be construed as being in place of the missing ‘-fessional’.

Either way, it shouldn’t be capitalised, so the pedantry pat-down is a fruitful one.

Geoff Thomas

The Crystal Palace legend was openly asking his followers who they would like to see as the Eagles’ manager following Dougie Freedman’s departure to Bolton Wanderers…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Can anyone tell me what’s wrong with this missive?

That’s right, class: two of the sentences should end in question marks. See me, Geoff.

Fabrice Muamba

The recently retired Bolton Wanderers and England U21 midfielder was subjected to the indomitability of mothers…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I’m glad that you learned a lesson at her behest, Fabrice, and now I trust that you shall learn one at mine:

Take care with past participles!

In case any of you are wondering, I isolated that command as an emphasis device.

Glen Johnson

The sidelined Liverpool right-back was assessing Phil Neville’s dive..

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… I harbour an alternative theory:

Someone tied his laces together while he wasn’t looking.

Chortle! I’m sorry, I’ll stop doing it now.

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… That is indeed the state of affairs, Glenn, although I would prefer that everything be written the correct way.

Nile Ranger

The Newcastle United youngster had the following advice…

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Caution: the following correction shall be stylised in the form of a popular Simpsons catchphrase.

Weirdest. Apostrophe. Placement. Ever.

No, that’s not a repeat of the construction used twice previously, for it wasn’t preceded by a colon.

Oh, and you’re wrong with your use of your instead of you’re, Nile.

Stéphane Mbia

The Queens Park Rangers midfielder was in London. And you?

Jermaine PedantJermaine Pedant says… Vous avez tort, Stéphane; Vous êtes à Londres! Oui, je vous surveille, même en français.

I’ve switched to semi-colons in order to represent the equal pull between colon and comma inherent in keeping the message all to one line. The emphasis concomitant with moving on to a new line tips the balance in colon’s favour.

My star pupils this week are Match of the Day anchorman Gary Lineker and Lancaster City player/joint manager Neil Wainwright…

Gary Lineker

At once a correction and not just one but two puns: bravo, Gary!

Neil Wainwright

I echo the sentiment as far as the giving up, for my endeavours to eradicate such flagrant disregard for the mother tongue is redoubled even by the thought of anyone anywhere actually writing your listed examples.

Now I must take my leave, for life at Molyneux remains in its embryonic stages for me. Class dismissed!

Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!