Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Arsenal midfielder was imparting wisdom…
Just because they are family doesn’t mean they are Real
— Emmanuel Y Frimpong (@Frimpong26AFC) September 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Your family are Real? In that case, I should think it appropriate to congratulate them on a stirring late comeback against Manchester City last night. Is Cristiano still thinking about running away from home?
I jest, of course. Watch those capitals!
The young Arsenal striker had this advice…
Let them know you’re here, and your here to stay #makeway
— Chuba Akpom (@Chuba10) September 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I must say I’m a trifle concerned about your inconsistency regarding the your/you’re dichotomy, young Chuba. Had you opted for the same spelling on each occasion, it would have indicated an easily corrected flaw in your dealings with basic homonyms. However, the fact that you elected for one of each suggests that you were just guessing, which is a most unhealthy approach to grammar.
For the record, you’re is correct in both instances.
The Queens Park Rangers midfielder wasn’t quite on top of the world, but…
On london !
— Stéphane Mbia (@StephaneMbia) September 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… What, actually on London? And may I inquire as to your method of justifying the uppermost point of London, assuming that calculating this and occupying it would constitute being ‘on’ it? In which case, were you tweeting from Westerham Heights in Bromley, or perhaps the top of the Shard? I shouldn’t imagine the latter to be a comfortable sitting point, as it were, not to mention the precariousness of your somewhat baffling stunt.
Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.
The Juventus forward was recommending an eminent American comedian…
To funny twitter.com/bendtnerb52/st…
— Nicklas Bendtner (@bendtnerb52) September 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You may think you’re amongst the ‘top’ centre-forwards on the planet – albeit this could be justified by extended the category of the world’s ‘top’ strikers to one thousand or so – but you most certainly wouldn’t rank amongst the world’s finest grammaticists. Sorry to be so blunt.
Watch those basic homonyms, Nicklas!
The Aston Villa starlet was excited at seeing his brother, Sunderland’s Craig, setting up Steven Fletcher to score against Liverpool with a mazy run and cross…
Yesssss brrrooooooo!! What a assist that is class run and class ball he keeps me going buzzing @craiggards8 love you bro
— Gary Gardner (@Gards38) September 15, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Now, can anyone tell me what Craig did wrong here?
That’s correct. You get a house point.
Pardon? No, you may not go to the toilet until the end of the lesson.
The former Watford, Crystal Palace and Barnsley forward was ruing not following up on a gut instinct…
— Bruce Dyer (@Bruce10Dyer) September 15, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I should say so; it would have presented you with ten more minutes in which to brush up on two separate points of grammar. Or perhaps you knew that?
The Nottingham Forest forward, scorer of a cast-iron “worldie” against Birmingham City over the weekend, had previously been a doubt for the game…
On route to the hospital to find out the extent of my injury. It feels a lot better today. Let’s see what the scans say.
— Simon Cox (@Scoxy31Real) September 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Simon, we spoke about this last week. See me.
Right, I must take my leave, for Manchester City’s trip to Real Madrid shall soon be broadcast, and I shall construct my reply to Emmanuel Frimpong upon completion of the match. Class dismissed!
Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!