Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
Adam le Fondre
The Reading striker was delighted after his two goals helped the Royals to all three points against Everton on Saturday…
What a game !! So buzzin with the win!! An delighted to score 2 ????????????
— Adam Le Fondre (@A1F1E9) November 17, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… That’s a goal for each instance of gratuitous letter-dropping, Adam. Congratulations on your all-important brace, but bear in mind that you’re not obliged to abbreviate unless you absolutely have to; in this particular instance, it is clear that you did not.
While I’m at it, may I ask that you have a word with your teammate Noel Hunt with regards his excessive use of punctuation marks?
Chill out now after the gym!!! In bed for the evening I think I am!! What’s the point in moving!!?
— Noel hunt (@boyhunt) November 18, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… In my eyes, Noel, this constitutes abuse. See to it that you punctuate more responsibly in future!*
(*I used an exclamation mark – just the one, you may note – in order to illustrate a command, and not to convey humour as per the pervading modern trend.)
André Santos
The Arsenal defender was in celebratory mood for more than one reason…
Off day today after a excellent victory … Now is rest and have a bit fun on my son”Arthur” birthday party Eeeeeee… ??????
— André Santos!!! (@Andre_Santos27) November 18, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You may swap shirts when and with whom you see fit as far as I’m concerned, André, but within the confines of my classroom you must obey the following rules:
1) That of the indefinite article, which is evidently an area that you struggle in
2) That of the correct possessive form, which you have bypassed completely in reference to young Arthur’s birthday party
3) That which dictates that you do not put quotation marks around the name of your own son, unless of course his name is shrouded in uncertainty and you mean to infer as much through what I like to call a ‘grammatical wink’
I trust that this prove informative for you, but do see me after the lesson if there are any lingering doubts.
Paul Dalglish
The much-travelled former Football League forward, son of Liverpool legend Kenny, posited a solution to Joe Allen’s recent dip in form…
Lucas could be coming back just at the right time to allow Allen to take a break. No doubt he’s a good player but young players need rested.
— Paul Dalglish (@pauldalglish) November 17, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… …whereas ex-professionals occasionally need reminding how to correctly deploy present participles.
See me.
Norman Whiteside
The former Manchester United and Everton midfielder was answering questions from fans…
“@robotcats: @normanwhiteside would you or did you ever consider a move abroad? Italy? Spain?”Could of went to Italy when I was 18 :)
— Norman Whiteside (@NormanWhiteside) November 18, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Speaking of participles, you must use the past form thereof in order to execute the third conditional in a fit and proper manner.
You would have known that if you’d paid more attention in class, Norman.
“@mrobo77: @normanwhiteside would you say everton are a better side than liverpool”Off course :)
— Norman Whiteside (@NormanWhiteside) November 18, 2012
In terms of academic progress, you are indeed “off course”.
See me.
Adam Morgan
The Liverpool starlet was wishing his clubmate Raheem Sterling luck ahead of his England debut against Sweden last week…
good luck tonight to @sterling31 hope you do brilliant like you always do
— adam morgan (@AMorgan94) November 14, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Young Adam, I do so wish that you would deploy adverbs as brilliantly as you hoped Raheem would perform in the aforementioned international friendly.
This is a common deficiency amongst the football community, or so I have noticed: “he hasn’t been playing regular (sic)”, “they didn’t defend good (sic)”, and so on and so forth. I would like to see you put this right instantly!*
(*This time there was an inference of humour; I am not oblivious to the ongoing evolution of the written word, at least within reason.)
Rohan Ricketts
The former Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspur midfielder was observing Saturday’s clash between the two sides…
And it’s 3-1. I don’t think no one would have predicted this after Spurs went ahead. Cazorla with some silky fakes in the build to the goal
— Rohan Ricketts (@RohanRicketts) November 17, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Well done on your correct use of the third conditional, Rohan, but I don’t think anyone would dissuade me from asking that you apply similarly high standards across the linguistic – or, if you will, ‘examining’ – board.
See – harsh as this may seem – me.
Artur Boruc
The former Celtic goalkeeper fancied a night in with a good film…
Lazy night any recommends on good dvds?
— Artur Boruc (@Artur_Boruc) November 15, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Might I suggest something instructional with regards the English language? That would be my recommendation.
Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.
Jason Brown
The Aberdeen goalkeeper paid tribute to the Pittodrie faithful…
With the great support today it’s a shame we couldn’t have gave them something to go away with
— Jason Brown (@greathover32) November 17, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You could at least have given them a correct present perfect construction, Jason.
Scant consolation, I grant you, but your responsibilities as a role model are more widely reaching than you may have considered.
Titus Bramble
The Sunderland defender was passing on a message of peace and goodwill to his fellow man…
— titus bramble (@19tmb) November 14, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… As admirable as the sentiment may be, Titus, I fear that its failure to identify the correct indefinite article for ‘iPod’ may jeopardise its penetration amongst the general populace.
It’s almost enough to make me reconsider my wish for everyone to approach our mother tongue with the same exacting standards I’ve always strived for myself…but not quite.
Luke Garbutt
The Everton youngster was expressing gratitude after undergoing surgery…
Just had my op would like to thank the surgeon and all his staff at bupa cromwell hospital they were top draw #muchappreciated
— Luke Garbutt (@luke_garbutt) November 15, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… “Top draw”? Did your operation attract a large crowd?
Perhaps you should keep a dictionary in your top drawer, young Luke.
Alex Bruce
The Hull City defender, son of newly installed manager Steve, was perplexed by the colour coordination within a crunch Championship clash…
Why the hell would both teams wear blue…..god help whoever is colourblind watching this!! #Millwall vs Leeds
— Alex Bruce (@4AlexBruce) November 18, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I fail to see how colour blindness might have presented one with any more difficulty distinguishing between the two sides than perfect 20/20 vision, Alex. May I inquire as to your logic in this instance
This may not be a matter of grammar, but pedantry waters all of life’s fields.
Jon Nolan
The Stockport County defender was lost for inspiration…
Boredum is the worst thing in the world. Don’t know what to do with myself here
— Jon Nolan (@jonnolan_92) November 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… ‘Dum’ being very much the operative syllable, young Jon.
How sick is sneezing though
— Jon Nolan (@jonnolan_92) November 14, 2012
See me.
Devante Cole
The Manchester City youngster, son of former Premier League striker Andrew, was requesting information on a certain sending off…
What’s he done fill me in adebyour ??
— Coley-Cole (@DevanteeeCole) November 17, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… “Adebyour”? Really?
It’s not often I say this, but go and report to the headmaster’s office. Tell him I sent you, and why.
Carzolaa is so so so sickk #player
— Coley-Cole (@DevanteeeCole) November 17, 2012
*Sigh*
Anyone?
Santi Cazorla
— Jozy Altidore (@JozyAltidore) November 17, 2012
Thank you, Jozy. You get a house point.
Now I must take my leave, for Ståle Solbakken’s long-term vision for Wolverhampton Wanderers requires our unyielding cooperation. Class dismissed!