Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Watford youngster confided in his followers…
My biggest fear apart from spiderwebs… Doing a dumb on a plane!!! If that toilet sucks your backside it’s emotional!!!
— Bernard Mensah (@Mensah_10) June 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Young Bernard, I’m familiar with ‘dumb’ as an adjective but not as a noun. What exactly constitutes a dumb? I jest, of course. Don’t worry, it’s very unlikely that you’d be sucked rump first down into the aero-plumbing and out into the great blue yonder. On a side note, I’m intrigued by your deployment of ’emotional’ as a description of the imagined worst case scenario, if that is indeed what you were figuratively driving at.
I’m afraid I can’t remember which player retweeted this, but nevertheless…
#Capricorn‘s have a natural gift for doing things carefully & calculated.
— ?Capricorn? (@HeartCapricorn) June 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Sloppy grammar, though. Chortle!
The former Portsmouth, Crystal Palace, Charlton Athletic, Derby County and Norwich City striker was lamenting his native Sweden’s 2-0 defeat to Ukraine…
2 mistakes killed us today. Schevtjenko still does the magic! #notgoodforsweden
— Mathias svensson (@Svensenegger) June 11, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I don’t think you should be pointing out the mistakes of others with that spelling of ‘Shevchenko’, although you were irrefutably correct in your assertion that the result was not good for Sweden.
Bolton Wanderers’ influential American midfielder is preparing for what will hopefully be a less injury-hit season than the previous couple…
Working it this morning, killin the gym, let’s gooooooooinstagr.am/p/MBAUrjrFvt/
— Stuart Holden (@stuholden) June 18, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… It may be entirely out of niggling curiosity, but I simply must ask you: how do you decide which participles to emit the ‘g’ from the end of? Why is ‘killing’ given the treatment but not ‘working’? Do you have a clearly defined system for this, or is it a lottery? Curiosity begat knowledge, so forgive me this inquisition.
The Charlton Athletic youngster was in a positive frame of mind…
I can never stay mad for too long.. There’s too much too smile about :-)
— Tosan Popo? (@tosan26) June 18, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Not wanting to put a downer on things, but that third ‘too’ should be ‘to’.
Ahhhh. Sorry Tosan, this is what makes me smile.
The Peterborough United defender indulged in a spot of self-mutilation after a recent game…
Literally pulling my arms apart after the game haha, too bad my hearts at Posh ;)
— Gabriel Zakuani (@Gabs50Zakuani) June 18, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… That literally blows my mind.
The young Arsenal striker betrayed that old sportsman’s trait of preferring to win…
#10WorstFeelings Loosing any form of football match !
— Zak Ansah (@ZakAnsah) June 19, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Losing also makes me sad. Basic spelling errors, though, they truly devastate me.
I’m going to take advantage of this one-day break from televised footer by completing a frankly obscene number of Sudoku puzzles. Class dismissed!