Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The former Nottingham Forest, Liverpool and Aston Villa striker was puzzled by the more inscrutable aspects of people’s Twitter use…
Still don’t get why people follow people they don’t like/respect.Weird.No one on my list who’s views that I don’t enjoy reading.
— Stan Collymore (@StanCollymore) April 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… This is a very common mistake; it’s easy to see why one would use who’s given that it appears to indicate the possessive, but as this is already a contraction of who is and who has, we use whose in instances such as this. For example: who’s going to tell Gustave, whose birthday it is, that we shall not be attending his party? That sentence may read clumsily but I trust it shall illustrate the point satisfactorily.
Furthermore, and contrary to today’s reports, I did not lay a finger on her. Oh, and I couldn’t help but notice this rather peculiar reply to Stan’s tweet…
@StanCollymore suck eggs ostrich rat! Divine hair bun mug
— SJ (@S_Judgement) April 29, 2012
The young Middlesbrough midfielder was troubled by his inability to locate items relative to that of his evidently observant mother…
Why is it whenever Your looking for something..You can’t find it, Yet soon as your mum gets into your room she finds it straight away #Shit
— Luke J Dobie (@LukeJDobie) April 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… She found excrement in your room? Chortle! I jest, of course. Luke, next time your dear mother enters your room, kindly ask her if she can find the apostrophe and lower-case E that you should have deployed on that first ‘your’. You’re on a hiding to nothing if you can’t get your basic homophones straight.
I wasn’t over the limit. Okay, I had three bottles of Beck’s, but I was in a perfectly lucid state.
The Sunderland defender expressed his weariness to young team mate David Meyler…
@DavidMeyler doubt it. I’m to tired
— titus bramble (@19tmb) April 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… You appear to have fallen asleep midway through that tweet, Titus. You are to tired as David Meyler is to…? Either that or you also need to brush up on your homophones. See me.
Seriously though, I was only talking to her about football. She asked why we score fewer goals from Rory Delap’s throws these days, I answered her. That was it.
The former Crystal Palace, Norwich City and Coventry City striker condemned what he felt to be an incorrect penalty decision…
Rubbish should of had a pen lol
— Leon Mckenzie (@LeonMckenzie1) April 29, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Leon, if I had a pen then I’d cross out that ‘of’ and replace it with a ‘have’.
Yes I took her number down on my phone, but that’s only because she asked me to forward her Andy Wilkinson’s Opta stats for the 2008-09 season. Where’s the harm in that?
The Bournemouth midfielder stated his belief that there’s been a power shift amongst the social network giants…
I think twitter as taken over Facebook what you recon!?
— Shaun MacDonald (@ShaunMac20) May 2, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I reckon there’s an H in ‘has’ and a K in ‘reckon’; that’s what I sodding well reckon.
Please accept my apologies for lashing out like that. It is deeply uncharacteristic of me, I can assure you. These allegations are tying my mind in knots. Is it a crime to ask an attractive young lady where the toilets are located, and then politely oblige her when she then engages you in a conversation about the respective merits of Kenwyne Jones and Cameron Jerome?
Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
— Football Jokes (@FootballFunnys) May 2, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Oh, go f**k yourself.
I’m truly sorry, this is most unlike me. I really am sorry.
The Sky Sports pundit and former Manchester United defender was outraged by The Sun‘s headline about Roy Hodgson…
Disgustung headlines,good journo’s under pressure writing pieces for their mates and a certain paper needs putting out of circulation.
— G.Neville (@GNev2) May 2, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I’ve never raised my hands in anger outside of the classroom. Of course there are certain disciplinary procedures I must adhere to in my role as an educator, but I would never strike a young lady at a nightclub. That simply wouldn’t do.
The Peterborough United defender revealed his technophobe side…
Blackberry’s are really annoying me with the predictive text nonsense always correcting things for you. Hate this ducking piece of shut!
— Gabriel Zakuani (@Gabs50Zakuani) May 2, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Chortle! I love what you did there, Gabriel. In fact, it’s cheered me up no end. Shame you had to tarnish this splendid joke by using a comma to illustrate a plural. Thinking on, what is the protocol with pluralising BlackBerry, anyway? Is it BlackBerries, like the fruit?
Right, I must dash now. I have a few things to attend to, shall we say. Class dismissed!
Tune in every Wednesday for more from Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant!