Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The ubiquitous Welshman was on hand with a stat after Robin van Persie had his penalty saved at Southampton…
Kelvin Davies has saved his last 3 pens in the perm ! Great record
— Robbie Savage (@RobbieSavage8) September 2, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Hello again, Robert. As far as I can tell Mr Davies does not have a perm, let alone one in which he hoards stationary. Might I suggest that your own lank locks have skewed your judgement somewhat by dint of obscuring your view?
The Danish forward had this to tweet upon joining Juventus from Arsenal…
I want to forfill my potential here and show the fans my absolute best as that is yet to come. I am sure i will;)
— Nicklas Bendtner (@bendtnerb52) August 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… If you’re going to set yourself high standards to live by then I suggest you do so in all walks of life. The word is ‘fulfill’, lest you incur mockery from the Juventus Stadium faithful by continuing to trot out the non-existent ‘forfill’.
I speak from personal experience: during my Birmingham City days I once used a double negative during a post-match interview, and the St Andrew’s faithful never let me forget it. It’s difficult to come back from something like that.
The young Sunderland midfielder was delighted to witness Steven Fletcher and Adam Johnson getting their Black Cats careers underway during the 2-0 League Cup win over Morecambe…
— DM (@DavidMeyler) August 28, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Conversely, it’s most distressing to see you you making such a hash of a basic homonym. I have devised an instructional sentence, referring to Messrs Fletcher and Johnson, for you to peruse and hopefully learn from:
“They’re both good players who should do well there if they give their all.”
I trust that this should clear up any confusion.
The oddball was wary of paying unwitting homage to a former England manager upon joining Marseille from Queens Park Rangers…
Spoke to French TV yesterday. All I had where images of Steve Maclaren and his ‘pigeon Dutch accented’ interview in my mind.
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) August 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Quite aside from the misspelling Steve McClaren’s name and the unnecessary rendering of ‘accent’ as a past participle, I’d have thought by now you’d be sufficiently well-read to distinguish between ‘where’ and ‘were’. I’ll be keeping an eye on your French too, so faites attention!
The young Tottenham Hotspur midfielder was commending a rival club on an ultimately unrealised bit of deadline day business…
Bastos to fulham great signing of it goes threw
— Alex pritchard (@pritch_93) August 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Baller? Threw? I must confess that I was hitherto unaware that Michel Bastos moonlights as a baseball pitcher. Please think your sentences through more carefully in future.
The former Arsenal striker felt let down by the Gunners’ lack of business at the back end of the transfer window…
So disappointing. Thought he said there would be more signing’s.
— Ian Wright (@IanWright0) August 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… As far as I’m aware, Ian, Arsène Wenger said that he was working on some more signings but wisely refrained from making any promises. In any case you should be more concerned about the wayward apostrophe in ‘signings’ than about the squad depth of your beloved Gunners, which looks to be in rude health in the wake of Sunday’s 2-0 win at Liverpool. Please read up on the difference between the plural and the possessive.
The Swansea City winger was appealing to his followers to teach him Korean…
— Wayne Routledge (@WayneRoutledge) August 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Teach you? Okay: there should be a question mark at the end of “what does this mean”. Happy to oblige, Wayne.
Oh, and congratulations on your splendid strike against Sunderland the other day. I daresay that Scott Sinclair’s move to Chelsea has opened quite the window of opportunity for you to establish yourself as a Premier League player. Good luck on your quest, and don’t eschew correct grammar along the way!
The former Wales centre-forward was talking about Swansea City’s new signing…
Pablo hernandez is a player by the way swans fans should be exited hopefully be involved against Sunderland tomorrow I’m there
— Iwan Roberts (@iwanwroberts) August 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Could you elucidate as to how one exactly one may exit a Swansea fan? Come to think of it, how do you suggest they be entered?
Stop giggling at the back! As for you, Iwan: see me.
The Sky Sports presenter was calling it a (transfer deadline) day…
Right … i’m finishing off soon…can’t believe
#LFC didnt do the business they must of thought they would do tonight.
— Sam Matterface (@sammatterface) August 31, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… …whereas I can’t believe that a man who presumably spends much of his time reading from autocues is unable to correctly deploy auxiliary verbs. You should have done better there, Sam.
Right, I best take my leave; I was an unused sub in Saturday’s 2-2 draw at Wigan Athletic, and that’s as clear an indication as you can get from Tony Pulis that you’ve got to put the extra hours in. It’s hard to stay late when you have to walk home, though.