Football Burp’s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Tranmere Rovers midfielder took a moment to reflect on the unpredictable nature of the beautiful game…
Football maddest sport ever
— James Wallace (@jwallace38) August 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… That reads rather like the headline of a news story, indeed rather like the headline of a news story that would appear on this very site. In future if you wish to express incredulity – rather, that is, than announce something that is in any case totally unquantifiable – might I suggest you use some manner of separation punctuation. I would personally accept a comma, hyphen or full colon in this particular instance and setting, though I accept that other academics may view things differently. There’s no need for the hate mail.
That means you, Morten Gamst-Pedantsen. Cut it out!
The exclamation mark is there to indicate a command, not to illustrate the kind of light-heartedness that can be so disruptive in the academic arena.
Where will sell yellow die?
— James Wallace (@jwallace38) August 13, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Nowhere, James. Nowhere sells “yellow die”.
Rodwell obviously a class player and hope he fore fills his potential at man city and stays away from injuries if the deal happens
— James Wallace (@jwallace38) August 12, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Get out!*
The exclamation mark, once again, is there to indicate a command rather than infer joviality, of which I can muster so little over “fore fills”.
The Newcastle United and Argentina midfielder issued a rallying cry…
Looking forward for the start of the season, come on newcastle. Esperando para el comienzo de la liga, vamos newcastle.
— jonas gutierrez (@elgalgojonas) August 13, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Is it indeed the case that you intend to face frontwards for the duration of the 2012-13 season, thus compromising your defensive duties, or are you figuratively looking forward to the start of the season? I dare say the likes of Davide Santon and Curtis Good shall be awaiting your response with some trepidation.
The media guru supplied a stinging critique of John Toshack after the former Wales boss left his role as Macedonia manager…
See Macedonia have realised that toshack is a poor poor manager to !!
— Robbie Savage (@RobbieSavage8) August 13, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… He may be, but you are in no position to criticise given your glaring uncertainty concerning basic homonyms.
@garylineker looking forward tonight, 2 Olympic gold medal boxers onthe sofa , make sure you get there names right !
— Robbie Savage (@RobbieSavage8) August 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… See me.
No exclamation mark here owing to old academic tradition. Superstitious hogwash, I say.
The young Arsenal defender appeared to be indulging in some bizarre speculation…
@jumpofftvuk tonight ?
— Nico Yennaris (@Nico_Yennaris) August 13, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Why would a celebrated rock band in their late-sixties attend an event put on by a self-proclaimed “Hip Hop Media, Sports & Entertainment destination”? I jest of course. Please use the contraction who’s for informally delivered open questions such as this.
The former Leeds United and England full-back issued an open invite to his followers…
Anyone do Barclays Fantasy Football? My company
@provisionfball starts it’s very own league. Join up, code 129613-133896, I’m in #pressure
— Tony Dorigo (@tonydorigo) August 13, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Another Premier League-based grammar consultant might let you get away with that one, but unfortunately for you the it’s/its dichotomy is a major bugbear of mine. Please do some reading up on it. Thank you sincerely for the invite to your Fantasy Football league; I fear however that my insatiable thirst for knowledge shall prove to be prohibitive.
The young Aston Villa midfielder has a new tattoo…
Left arms turn doggy :) yfrog.com/hwbmigjj
— chris herd (@chrisherdy) August 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… How many left arms do you have?
“Left Arms Turn Doggy” would make a splendid title for a ditty of the progressive rock and roll variety, would it not? Chortle! I josh with you, of course.
The Queens Park Rangers madman knows many nefarious people by the name of Robert…
Sounds like its iplayer in bed tonight. Corrupt bobbies ay? Who’d of thought?
— Joseph Barton (@Joey7Barton) August 13, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Read the thing!*
(*This time there is a trace of jocularity.)
Now I must take my leave, for I am this evening to address a roomful of reporters, to wit, pledging my future to Stoke City in the face of mounting interest from Wigan Athletic. I firmly believe this to be the most diplomatic course of action available to me.