Football Burp‘s very own Jermaine Pedant enjoys nothing more than strolling back and forth in his professor’s gown, casting scholarly gazes over his fellow professionals’ online scribblings.
Each week, he homes in on a few choice instances of common grammatical failings and raps on them repeatedly with his disciplinary cane until we’ve all jolly well learnt to treat the Queen and her English with the utmost respect. Read on for this week’s lessons…
The Norwich City forward was enjoying a Will Ferrell film…
Step Brothers has too many jokes! What’s a film!! #tooFunny
— Anthony Pilkington (@Pilkington_11) October 8, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Perturbed as I am by your lack of knowledge as to what a film is, my pedantary instincts direct me first to your deployment of not just one incorrect exclamation mark but two. You’re asking a question, not barking mindlessly like a dog: why wouldn’t you use a question mark?
The Everton youngster, brother of Jodie from Desperate Scousewives, was correcting Liverpool starlet Adam Morgan…
— John Lundstram (@JLundstram) October 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Heroes. You two are nothing but distractions to each other; go and sit on opposite sides of the room!
I used an exclamation mark there not to convey humour, as per the popular misappropriation of our age, but to indicate a command. Anyone who uses more than one exclamation mark at a time is, quite frankly, a loose cannon.
The Newcastle United forward was luxuriating in his homeland…
— Demba Ba (@dembabafoot) October 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… If only your syntax were as magnifique as the view, Demba! “This is how nice my country is” would be, if rather clunky, permissible in this instance.
This time I did use the exclamation mark to convey humour, my reasons being twofold: to at once acknowledge that languages continuously evolve, and highlight an arising grammatical conflict that must surely be brought to attention at the House of Pedants.
The Stoke City striker was hitting back at an accusation of diving dating back to the 1998 World Cup…
Oh, and by the way, if you can’t see for yourself that I could of stayed on my feet against Argentina without me having to say it then you
— michael owen (@themichaelowen) October 10, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… My dear club mate, if not currently team mate, you appear to have omitted two words from the phrase “I could of course have stayed on my feet”: a case of a fiddly new tablet, perchance?
Or might your confusion have lain elsewhere?
Please read that last sentence over and over until the penny drops*.
(*No exclamation mark this time as it was a polite suggestion, as opposed to an assertive command.)
The Wolverhampton Wanderers winger, on loan from Stoke City, was thanking the Potters faithful for the best wishes upon his temporary departure from the Britannia Stadium…
Thanks for all the feed back…. Very loyal fans and ill always be honest with you’s and no not been late for training whoever asked haha
— jermaine pennant (@j_pennant) October 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Well, this sure is awkward.
Yes, when I feel uncomfortable I do kinda slip into speaking like some American sitcom character for some, like, totally unknown reason.
So, like, wassup Jermaine? Yuh. You know, ‘feedback’ is one word, okay; when you say “thanks for all the feed back”, it’s kinda like you’re thanking your followers for giving you back your feed, like chicken feed or something. Do you/I keep chickens, Jermaine? I dunno, maybe you/I do, you/us footballer types get paid crazy amounts.
Also, are you saying that Stoke fans are very loyal, and ill? And what’s with the “you’s”? I think we should take a break.
The Southampton midfielder was reminiscing…
Sorry, we did draw, Fabregas went of injured I believe! ’twas a good game, should of won the game against villa around the same time!
— Richard chaplow (@Rchap04) October 9, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Fabregas went off injured, Richard, but you get a house point for the correctly formed and most un-footballer-like use of ’twas.
The Reading striker had an unwelcome intruder (arachnophobes might want to look away now)…
— Noel hunt (@boyhunt) October 14, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… He might’n’t have eaten you, Noel.
Pay attention to the points of grammar highlighted within my above riposte, not the obvious contention of your assertion that the spider might have eaten.
Just awoken for a coma,not feeling great!! Off to a spin class I think in Nirvana/pulse8 #SweatItOut!! And then ontoTraining ground!!
— Noel hunt (@boyhunt) October 14, 2012
How might one wake for a coma, Noel? Would this person be the beneficiary of an armistice period of consciousness? Is this happening to you right now? I somewhat doubt it, unless you’ve asked the press association not to make your coma public knowledge until it sets in, which in any case would be somewhat compromised by your tweeting about it. Or were you merely trying to state that you’d awoken in order to deploy a comma, which you did indeed do immediately afterwards?
Remember: it’s not sarcasm if its intention is to educate.
Jermaine Pedant says…
The Coventry City midfielder, on loan from Arsenal, was busy acquainting himself with his new surroundings…
Up and about in Leamigton… Fallen in love with about 4 girls already lol, must be out of towners
— Conor Henderson (@Henderson_91) October 14, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… Out-of-towners must be hyphenated, young Conor; to do otherwise would be to imply that you are out of towners, have run out of them, exhausted your supply. Perhaps you meant to write that you are out of downers, in which case an investigation must surely be pending.
The former Norwich City and Leicester City winger had a practical domestic question for his followers…
Does anybody know if you have dimmer switches on lights and you turn them down, does it use less electric??#QuestionOfTheDay
— Darren Eadie (@eadie11) October 14, 2012
Jermaine Pedant says… I dare say someone was manning your dimmer switch when you used ‘electric’ as a noun, my dear fellow! Chortle.
Now I must take my leave, for I have a new manager, new team mates and a new set of supporters to impress my on-pitch talents upon. Class dismissed!