Funny football merchandise is an oft-overlooked byproduct of the rampant ‘modernisation’ foisted upon the game like some sick gruel.
Find the perfect gift for that special someone amidst Football Burp’s club-by-club list of funny merchandise from the Premier League…
Arsenal crowd sound slippers
For just £10, you could be cheered into every room you enter…
While you’re there, you might want to pick up a wrong-looking Mikel Arteta figurine…
Aston Villa bread press
Sick of eating toast that doesn’t have ‘AVFC’ stamped on it? Then treat yourself to one of these bad boys, all yours for just £5…
Cardiff City “Champions Chocolate”
The Bluebirds, red, had the Championship wrapped up a month or two ago but they’ve still not got round to releasing the celebratory chocolate…
Chelsea inflatable shirt
Support Chelsea? Need an inflatable shirt? £3, please…
Everton shower gel
If you ignore the likelihood of it being low-quality shower gel, £2 seems entirely reasonable for the scrubby stuff…
Mohamed Al Fayed USB stick
At £5, you’re practically robbing Fulham…
…and, for 99p, you can get this…
…kind of strange that they’re selling a book titled What Really Happened to Michael Jackson, though.
Well, obviously not as strange as the statue.
Hull City Meerkat
£9.99 from “Tiger Leisure”, conceivably modelled on Phil Brown…
Liverpool Superlambanana
This 16cm high replica will set you back £35, a millionth of the price of Andy Carroll…
…you could buy that special lady in your life the worst T-shirt in the world for just £22…
…and we defy you not to immediately hear Eurythmics when you see this £12 “Girls Dreams Sleepsuit” for just £12…
Manchester City chef’s hat
For that special chef in your life, just £8…
…and their christening mug is just £10, down from £20!
£10 down from £20
The intriguingly named and conceived Manchester City Themed Eagle Gnome is just £5, down from just £10 – and you can still get Mario Balotelli Bobble Heads, yours for JUSTJUSTJUST £8!
Manchester United Scarf Pig
A better combination of words more than anything – £4.99 gets you this…
….and, at just £1.49, Manchester United shower gel is 51p cheaper than Everton’s.
And it’a a 2-in-1 shampoo and shower gel. Versatile.
Newcastle United Second Skin Jumpsuit
For that special deranged idiot in your life, just £37.99…
Norwich City Puzzle Cube
£10 gets you the Norwich City puzzle cube of your dreams…
get your fix of Delia Smith cookbooks
Southampton nothing
The Saints’ is the most boring shop and the most annoying to navigate. Sort it out, Pochettino!
Stoke City Darts Caricature Mug
£10 is a veritable bargain for this breathtaking work of art…
Whoever drew this seems to have been under the illusion that Carlos Tevez, Landon Donovan, Jurgen Klinsmann, Mikel Arteta and Michael Owen played for Stoke.
(We know. It was intentional. You shut up.)
Walking in a Winter Sunderland Christmas card
For just £2.50, you can [Walk in a winter Sunderland]…
Cyril/Cybil the Cross-Dressing Swan
“On weekends, I’m Cybil”…
Elsewhere, the Swansea Meerkat is half the price of the Hull Meerkat.
Spurs Duck Plug
This dodgily monikered item is all yours for just £6…
They also sell a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Bottle Opener”, a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Hairbrush”, a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Soap Dish”, a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Toothbrush” and a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Nailbrush”.
We don’t know what Spurs Liquid Acrylic is but we’re guessing it’s good.
Furthermore, Spurs’ chef’s hat is a pound cheaper than Manchester City’s.
West Brom “Baby Animal”
That’s actually how it’s advertised: Baby Animal. Looks like a giraffe to us, West Brom.
Just £9.99…
Or you can get the delightfully titled Baggies, £1.25 a bag…
David Sullivan and David Gold Bobble Heads
£11.99 each
Wonder how many of those they’ve flogged.