Funny football merchandise: club-by-club (Premier League)


Funny football merchandise is an oft-overlooked byproduct of the rampant ‘modernisation’ foisted upon the game like some sick gruel.

Find the perfect gift for that special someone amidst Football Burp’s club-by-club list of funny merchandise from the Premier League…

Arsenal crowd sound slippers

For just £10, you could be cheered into every room you enter…

Arsenal crowd sound slippers

While you’re there, you might want to pick up a wrong-looking Mikel Arteta figurine…

Mikel Arteta figurine

Aston Villa bread press

Sick of eating toast that doesn’t have ‘AVFC’ stamped on it? Then treat yourself to one of these bad boys, all yours for just £5…

Aston Villa bread press

Cardiff City “Champions Chocolate”

The Bluebirds, red, had the Championship wrapped up a month or two ago but they’ve still not got round to releasing the celebratory chocolate…

Cardiff City Champions Chocolate

Chelsea inflatable shirt

Support Chelsea? Need an inflatable shirt? £3, please…

Chelsea inflatable shirt

Everton shower gel

If you ignore the likelihood of it being low-quality shower gel, £2 seems entirely reasonable for the scrubby stuff…

Everton shower gel

Mohamed Al Fayed USB stick

At £5, you’re practically robbing Fulham…

Mohamed Al Fayed USB stick

…and, for 99p, you can get this…

Full Mo-nty! card

…kind of strange that they’re selling a book titled What Really Happened to Michael Jackson, though.

Well, obviously not as strange as the statue.

Hull City Meerkat

£9.99 from “Tiger Leisure”, conceivably modelled on Phil Brown…

Hull City Meerkat

Liverpool Superlambanana

This 16cm high replica will set you back £35, a millionth of the price of Andy Carroll…

Liverpool Superlambanana

…you could buy that special lady in your life the worst T-shirt in the world for just £22…

LFC Dreams T-shirt

…and we defy you not to immediately hear Eurythmics when you see this £12 “Girls Dreams Sleepsuit” for just £12…

Liverpool sleepsuit

Manchester City chef’s hat

For that special chef in your life, just £8…

Manchester City chef's hat

…and their christening mug is just £10, down from £20!

Manchester City christening mug £10 down from £20

The intriguingly named and conceived Manchester City Themed Eagle Gnome is just £5, down from just £10 – and you can still get Mario Balotelli Bobble Heads, yours for JUSTJUSTJUST £8!

Manchester United Scarf Pig

A better combination of words more than anything – £4.99 gets you this…

Manchester United Scarf Pig

….and, at just £1.49, Manchester United shower gel is 51p cheaper than Everton’s.

And it’a a 2-in-1 shampoo and shower gel. Versatile.

Newcastle United Second Skin Jumpsuit

For that special deranged idiot in your life, just £37.99…

Newcastle United second skin jumpsuit

Norwich City Puzzle Cube

£10 gets you the Norwich City puzzle cube of your dreams…

Norwich City puzzle cube

get your fix of Delia Smith cookbooks

Southampton nothing

The Saints’ is the most boring shop and the most annoying to navigate. Sort it out, Pochettino!

Stoke City Darts Caricature Mug

£10 is a veritable bargain for this breathtaking work of art…

Stoke City Darts Caricature Mug

Whoever drew this seems to have been under the illusion that Carlos Tevez, Landon Donovan, Jurgen Klinsmann, Mikel Arteta and Michael Owen played for Stoke.

(We know. It was intentional. You shut up.)

Walking in a Winter Sunderland Christmas card

For just £2.50, you can [Walk in a winter Sunderland]…

Walking in a Winter Sunderland Christmas card

Cyril/Cybil the Cross-Dressing Swan

Cyril the Swan

“On weekends, I’m Cybil”…

Cyril the Swan

Elsewhere, the Swansea Meerkat is half the price of the Hull Meerkat.

Spurs Duck Plug

This dodgily monikered item is all yours for just £6…

Spurs Duck Plug

They also sell a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Bottle Opener”, a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Hairbrush”, a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Soap Dish”, a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Toothbrush” and a “Spurs Liquid Acrylic Nailbrush”.

We don’t know what Spurs Liquid Acrylic is but we’re guessing it’s good.

Furthermore, Spurs’ chef’s hat is a pound cheaper than Manchester City’s.

West Brom “Baby Animal”

That’s actually how it’s advertised: Baby Animal. Looks like a giraffe to us, West Brom.

Just £9.99…

West Brom Baby Animal

Or you can get the delightfully titled Baggies, £1.25 a bag…

West Bromwich Albion Baggies

David Sullivan and David Gold Bobble Heads

£11.99 each

David Sullivan Bobble Head

David Gold Bobble Head

Wonder how many of those they’ve flogged.