David Luiz attracted widespread criticism for his involvement in the sending off of fellow Brazilian Rafael on Sunday, but not from Football Burp columnist Umarah Naz – she was too busy pointing at the Chelsea defender-cum-midfielder’s hair and screaming…
Over the years, unsuspecting football fans have been subjected to many a diabolical haircut by our footballing idols, each era unleashing its own horrors straight from the depths of hell. From Carlos Valderrama’s out-of-control blonde Jheri curl to Chris Waddle’s downright offensive ’80s mullet (that he insisted on carrying on into the ’90s) to Gervinho’s inexplicably misplaced braided hairpiece.
In normal everyday life we aren’t so exposed to mind-numbingly dodgy barnets, so why do footballers feel they need to inflict such trauma on society? Maybe it’s the big bucks they earn. Maybe they feel they have a God-given right to get questionable haircuts from the barber’s. Most disturbing of all is that maybe they think they actually look good! Is there no one around them to simply say “NO!”? A dutiful WAG or a loyal best friend that’s stuck with them from primary school, who can bitchslap any hairbrained ideas from their head? Excuse the pun, completely intended of course.
Jermaine Pedant says… It should be ‘harebrained’, but I’ll let you off with a caution.
Current offenders include Arsenal’s Bacary Sagna with his blonde braids, which the 30-year-old claims to be the result of a bet made at age 17. Thirteen years later, that excuse doesn’t hold much weight anymore – it looks like a flock of hungover pigeons lost control straight on his head after eating a dodgy curry with the lads the night before.
The only explanation for Raul Meireles’s haircut is that a 4-year-old has been unleashed upon him with a pair of blunt scissors. David Luiz, Marouane Fellaini, Carlos Puyol and Benoit Assou-Ekotto all fall under one category: the “where IS My Barber?” category. They need a pair of shears and fast! Their untended locks have Wikipedia pages all of their own.
Then you have those genii that feel the only way to show loyalty to the club is by dying their hair in the teams colours. You only have to look at the likes of Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jamie Carragher to know that it’s really not necessary to dye hair red, blue or green. Which brings me nicely onto Nigerian international footballer Taribo West, who didn’t think that having green hair sufficiently demonstrated his love for his country and decided to tie it in two ponytails aswell. Many a schoolgirl could be heard crying in their pillows the world over.
We may still be recovering from one abomination when another atrocity rears its ugly head. Yes, pun number two! There is, however, one man who can claimed to have pulled off almost every hairstyle he’s fashioned, and he’s had a few. Loveable Brit icon David Beckham has sported every look from long, flowing locks to shaven head to his own take on a Mohawk – but even the great man himself admitted to being drunk when he decided to get these done….
Well, at least David did us the courtesy of providing us with an explanation, albeit a completely lame one. So, to all those footballers who have or have ever had dubious coiffures, tormented football fans are waiting to hear yours.