You look radiant, my dear, local paper tells Everton chairman

Fake News » You look radiant, my dear, local paper tells Everton chairman

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Everton chairman Bill Kenwright looks absolutely smashing today, according to a report in the Liverpool Echo.

Kenwright has come under fire from the Toffees’ fan base after a coalition of supporter-based protest groups released this transcript of a recent meeting with the theatre impresario at his London office, during which he revealed that the club was on the brink of being sold to a consortium comprising of Mazher Mahmood, Barry Chuckle and a female impersonator with whooping cough who lives in somebody’s wardrobe.

Concerned Evertonians were also left aghast at Kenwright’s admission that he thought the £24 million’s worth of ‘Other Operating Costs’ listed on the club’s annual accounts were to do with Louis Saha’s hospital bills, while a fifteen-minute lull in the meeting during which he stripped to his underwear and ran around the room singing the chorus of Chesney Hawkes’ 1991 hit “The One and Only” left others concerned for his mental wellbeing.

However, the Liverpool Echo, which incidentally is granted unit-shifting exclusive interviews with Everton players and management staff more or less on tap, has hit back at Kenwright’s critics by pointing out that Blood Brothers is an emotionally involving production which enthrals from beginning to end.

The Echo report said: “Speaking to supporters group The Blue Union, Kenwright looked better than ever, the club crest on his tie accentuating his cheek bones in a manner every bit as dazzling as his latest theatre production Pack of Lies promises to be.

“In one situation, he told how seemingly rich new owners had already begun a due diligence process aiming to buy his controlling stake in the club, before he became suspicious when one of them coughed her own wig off and another said, ‘Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.’

“Kenwright then handed each member of The Blue Union a cake which he had personally baked for them, then did one hundred press-ups with all three of them sitting on his back, his muscles glistening like a million suns as local women stood around in a circle, applauding wildly.

“He then tore a telephone directory in twain, handed the pieces to his secretary and said in a John Wayne voice, ‘Out here, a man settles his own problems and due diligence is a bullet. Now get Keith Harris on the phone – I wanna speak to Cuddles the Monkey.’”

However, the Echo report has not been enough to assuage the levels of exasperation and anxiety amongst the sections of Everton’s fan base who can spell ‘Jagielka’ properly and know how to tie their shoelaces without starting forest fires.

Lee Sycamore, an Evertonian from Walton, said: “Before reading the transcript, I was only worried about Kenwright running my football club into the ground through sheer ineptitude. Now, I genuinely fear that he might paint his face black, come round to my house and drag my screaming wife back to his underground circus of doom.

“If it’s true that he spent the last twenty minutes of the meeting describing how he and former club CEO Keith Wyness built a sandcastle so big that it had alien piss dribbling down its sides, forming a moat that rendered it impenetrable to ‘dinosaur invaders’, then, quite frankly, I’m not renewing my season ticket next year.”

David Moyes was unavailable for comment.

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