Aston Villa supporters round the world were this morning asking to be excused for a moment while they stepped outside and screamed into a cushion.
As the news circulated that star striker Darren Bent will miss the remainder of the season through injury, thousands of office workers are reported to have remarked upon just how calmly their Villa-supporting colleague seemed to be taking the news, before looking out of the window and seeing them roaring streams of barely intelligible obscenities at terrified passers-by.
In several extreme cases, fans of the famous old Midlands club have locked themselves in the stationary cupboard and are refusing to come out unless Alex McLeish promises – nay, pinky swears – never to play Emile Heskey on the wing again, or anywhere else for that matter.
Fred Dunstable, from Witton, said: “It’s dark and cold in here, and I think I may have just put my face through a spider web, but I feel safer in here.
“This Filofax is called Robbie Keane, these hole punches are Stewart and Ashley, and this stapler is an intense Ulsterman named Martin – they won’t ever leave me, or set the side up to nick a point against bottom-of-the-table Wigan Athletic.
Frank Fowler, from Solihull, said: “There are no ginger Scottish men in here.
“There are no ginger Scottish men in here.”
He added: “There are no…hold on, I’ve got a call. Hullo, Dave? Yeah, I’m still in the stationary cupboard. Nah, I’m fine, in fact it’s actually quite nice. There are no ginger Scottish men in here.”
Meanwhile, police in Kings Heath are attempting to talk a man down from a ledge by communicating through a megaphone that everything will be okay, that they’re eight points clear of the drop zone and this could be a good time for Gabriel Agbonlahor to assert his international credentials.
A police spokesperson said: “It’s sad to see – he seems really spooked, looking straight forward and muttering ‘I told you this would happen, why didn’t you listen to me?’ as if he’d somehow foreseen something terrible which is now unfolding before his very eyes.
“I’ve never seen anything like it, not even last year under Houllier.”