Dutch striker Robin van Persie is today expected to put pen to paper on a deal to be abused on Twitter forever in exchange for lots of lovely money.
Van Persie, a Leo, has agreed to spend his remaining days being accused of all manner of treachery and sexual deviance over the popular social networking site, mostly by disgruntled Arsenal fans but also from impartial mentalists looking to unload their angst into a sea of bile so replete with hideousness that it might pass by without the authorities getting wind of it.
In return, Van Persie will not just be paid astronomical sums of money but shall also be allowed to play for a slightly better team, Manchester United, in theory opening up a gap between the clubs that no amount of Gervinho one-on-ones could hope to make up for.
Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Van Persie said: “I would like to thank Sir Alex Ferguson for giving me the chance to take virtual pelters from people in another city as a means of qualifying for unimaginable amounts of money, not to mention playing for the best club in the world bar Barcelona, Real Madrid and maybe Manchester City, let’s see how it goes.
“I very much look forward to linking up with Wayne Rooney, bringing the title back to Old Trafford and then reporting everyone who’s called me a nonce or threatened me in some way on Twitter. I’m making a note of all your names so I can turn up to your workplaces and boo loudly during my next absence through injury, whenever that may be.”
He said: “It has been a while, hasn’t it?”