An unnamed Premier League team, referred to only as “reigning champions”, have sparked a product recall of a new performance-enhancing drug with their woeful form.
The mystery club are alleged to have been users of a stimulant called Beastmodeline, which purported to improve performance in anything from sex to Algerian wingers.
However, new research has revealed an alarming tail-off in effectiveness after the first nine months, which can result in anything from impotence to relegation.
Beastmodeline has now been recalled effective immediately, with long-term users advised to consult a GP or at the very least sign a replacement for N’Golo Kanté.
Speculation has begun mounting as to the identity of the club, with guesses ranging from “quite clearly Leicester City” to “could be Sunderland?”.
Whichever team it turns out to be, it just goes to show that it doesn’t pay to be a drug cheat in sport – except for all the times where it has done.