Thousands Of Arsenal Fans Still In The Dark Over Beer-Fueled Buffoonery
- By Football Burp
Football Burp understands that thousands of Arsenal supporters are yet to be reminded of what an undignified mess they were last night.
On a fairytale evening at the Emirates, returning hero Thierry Henry came off the bench to score the winning goal in a magical 1-0 slaying of Championship club Leeds United in the FA Cup, prompting all watching Gunners fans to shriek like teenage girls in a hall of Justin Bieber mirrors and embrace each other in ways that in any other context would leave both parties feeling confused and perhaps even a little curious.
After jumping up and down like constipated gibbons for an hour while chanting “Thierry Henry!” in a tone several registers below their normal speaking voices, which in many cases are slightly effeminate, Arsenal fans then decided that the best way to preserve the memory of this momentous occasion would be to pickle their brains in stale, watered-down lager and stagger into work the next morning still wearing the same piss-sodden clothes, still at least three gallons of caffeine away from remembering what a frightful bellend they made of themselves just hours previously.
Fred Whalley, from Finsbury Park, said: “I’m sitting at my desk stroking my stubble and whimpering softly to myself like a bereaved dog, but every time I think of Thierry slotting the ball home, a big sh*t-eating grin spreads across my stupid, blotchy face.
“I daresay I won’t be smiling anymore when my mate Alan texts me in five minutes’ time to remind me that I stole a transvestite’s handbag and ran around Soho shouting ‘I’m a pretty lady!’ with my trousers round my ankles.
“And that the transvestite then caught up with me and kicked seven shades of excrement out of me while a group of tourists filmed it on their camera phones, including the part where I regurgitated a bile-strewn strand of doner meat onto my own crotch and a stray dog started eating it.
“Hang on, I just got a text.”
Bob Pratt, from Edgware, said: “When I eventually got into work this morning, everyone shouted ‘Weeeeeeyyyyy!’ and started applauding wildly.
“They won’t tell me why, but I’m pretty sure it’s got something to do with the Tesco’s receipt I found in my pocket for a bottle of tequila, a five-pack of cigars and an array of pointy vegetables.”