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Terry announces retirement from ALLEGED racism, joins resultant celebrations

By Jonny Abrams

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Chelsea's John Terry
Terry… Merry (Img: Paul Bence)
Chelsea captain John Terry yesterday announced his retirement from ALLEGED high-profile racism, sparking worldwide celebrations that he has since joined in with.

Terry, shameless, told Football Burp – in between swigs of pina colada and rigorous bumping and grinding with scantily clad Brazilian women – that the Football Association had made his position as a high-profile ALLEGED racist “untenable” through their efforts to be seen admonishing him for it.

He said: “It is with deep regret that I announce my – waheeeyyyy, alright darlin’! – *GLUG GLUG GLUG* – retirement from international ALLEGED racism.

“A simpler life of – WOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! – low-key, muttered ALLEGED racism in front of the television, or surreptitiously amongst groups of elderly folk, now awaits me.

“It’s going to be hard not hurling ALLEGED racially motivated abuse at opponents under the world’s disapproving gaze, but at the same time I look forward to the challenge of ALLEGEDLY slipping comments like ‘they go around in packs, you know’ sufficiently casually into everyday conversation that people are never quite sure whether I was actually being ALLEGEDLY racist or merely lampooning my own public persona.”

He added: “OH YEAH, BABY! SHAKE THAT M*****O ASS!”

Football Burp’s lawyer was unavailable for comment.