Sheffield United launch two solid years of competitive football

Fake News » Sheffield United launch two solid years of competitive football

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Football
Football! Here is one

Just under two solid years of competitive football were officially launched on Friday night with Sheffield United’s 2-1 win over Notts County at Brammall Lane.

The win, routine, was met with ecstatic celebrations nationwide, people spilling onto the streets in order to whoop and holler obnoxiously in anticipation of the non-stop source material that awaits satirical football websites from now until May 2015.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, newly installed Blades boss David Weir spoke of his delight at taking all three points from his first game in charge, not to mention his honour at being asked to co-direct the opening ceremony.

He said: “I mean, they could have got someone like Danny Boyle – after all, didn’t he do well with that thing last year that everyone’s forgotten about and relinquished the spirit of already?

“Sick children and nurses breakdancing around a 50ft Grim Reaper isn’t really my style – I’m more of a 4-4-2 man, keep it tight at the back and try to knick one on the break, that sort of thing – so I was just glad of the chance, really.

“To come away with three points and two years of solid football? I mean, wow. It’s the stuff that dreams are made of, isn’t it?”

He added: “I’ll answer that for you – it is.”

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Football Burp wept tears of joy as two months’ worth of desperately struggling to find new angles on long-running transfer sagas melted away like so many oppressive sheets of piss-stained snow.

We said: “Welcome back football!

“No, really – welcome back.”

We may have been hugging a solitary football at the time, but we should point out that we were addressing the game as a whole. The football was symbolic, you see.

If there were viable options as to how to hug the game as a whole, we’d be exploring them as we speak.

Maybe if we all link hands and go around hugging stadiums or something?

How can we all hug football as a whole? Have your say in the comments thing down there somewhere…

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