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Rooney Chelsea move in doubt as Moyes spells out uses

David Moyes has poured scorn on the mooted Wayne Rooney Chelsea move, pointing out that the England forward is useful for all sorts of things.

By Jonny Abrams

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Wayne Rooney potato heart
Rooney’s potato heart lies elsewhere

Manchester United manager David Moyes has poured scorn on the mooted Wayne Rooney Chelsea move, pointing out that the England forward is useful for all sorts of things.

Rooney, purple, confirmed his desire to leave Old Trafford by spraypainting “Moyse (sic) is s***e” in the centre circle and leaving a meticulously crafted ‘floater’ in the club canteen’s soup of the day.

Speaking exclusively to Football Burp, Moyles (sic) explained that he couldn’t possibly sanction the Rooney Chelsea move while there’s so much that needs doing around the place.

He said: “First off, what would I do if Robin van Persie gets injured?

“Okay, let me rephrase that: what would I do if Robin van Persie AND Chicharito get injured?

“Play Danny Welbeck? Really? I haven’t even seen him score in training yet.

“Add to that the fact that Rooney’s quite handy in goal and I envisage him being an extremely important peripheral squad-filler this season.”

He continued: “That’s just the tip of the iceberg: I’ll need someone to lay the cones out whenever Giggsy and Scholesy are too busy signing autographs and posing for photos with the YTS lads.

“You can’t overlook those things – frankly it’s invaluable to be able to call upon someone with the versatility to play both Shrek and a potato at charity events and Christmas parties.

“Kids love it, and he’s good with old dears too.”