Rodgers to give guided helicopter tours of his three-year Liverpool plan

Fake News » Rodgers to give guided helicopter tours of his three-year Liverpool plan

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Brendan Rodgers
Rodgers… Heli-Kop-ter (Img: Bernard Chan)

Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers intends to illuminate any doubters as to his intentions for the Reds by literally taking “the helicopter view”.

Rodgers, inspirational, was met with widespread bemusement when he chose to express the support the Anfield club’s owners have for his vision by declaring them to be privy to the kind of vantage point traditionally provided by a hovering rotorcraft, in which lift and thrust are supplied by engine-driven rotors.

However, the former Watford, Reading and Swansea City boss told Football Burp that he is indeed the owner of a helicopter due to his frequent trips to watch the Barcelona academy in action, and invited us for an exclusive preview of his personal guided tour.

He said: “Welcome to the Rodgers household! Now if you’ll just join me round back, I’ll show you my chopper.

“Okay? Now, hop on board my chopper and prepare for take-off. We’re at the start of a journey, and no-one ever said it was going to be easy – you just have to trust me, the pilot, and yourself, because you can’t trust anyone else.

“Er, except your family, of course. And the supporters, because they’re the best, and they can see what we’re trying to achieve here – or at least they will do when these tours become commercially available.”

He continued: “As you can see, we are now trending upwards, much like Liverpool’s Premier League form in fact.

“If you look to your left, you’ll see phase one of my plan. Hi, Luis! He’s our Messi, you know. Lovely lad, wouldn’t rake his studs down the ankle of a fly.

“If you look to your right, you’ll see a bunch of children playing piggy in the middle in a giant, genetically modified centre circle. This is phase two of my plan.

“The final and most ingenious phase of my three-year plan is coming up juuuusssst……now! Okay, look down there!

“Yes, it’s a crop circle in the shape of a severance package. This represents the moment in thirty years’ time where my dynasty reaches its natural conclusion, and it’s time for me to hand the reins over to a manager from a super-advanced alien species, such would be the dearth by that point of suitable candidates on Earth.

“I of course would move upstairs into a Director of Football role, and…oh dear.”

He added: “As you can see, the helicopter is crashing. If we survive the impact then we can thumb a lift back to Melwood. I’ve got this many thumbs, right: one, okay, and this one here. Two thumbs.

“Okay, time for the brace position.”

Football Burp can confirm that Brendan’s chopper is now in ruins.

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